Friday, September 29, 2006

The Prophet Muhammad, Jew-Okay?

Tonight, I evaluate the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his relationship to Jews.

Sure, Muhammad (pbuh) had his tiffs with the Jews, who hasn't? I know I have and I'm one of them. But he respected the Jews. Originally he prayed towards Jerusalem and attempted to incorporate other Jewish tenets into Islam. Some may cynically claim that he did this in hopes of attracting Jews to Islam. This is probably partly true (and not all that bad), but his devotion to these Jewish-influenced tenets was also genuine. Essentially, Islam is far closer to Judaism as a religion than is Christianity. We truly only worship one G-d, not your little 3 god bullshit (father, son, and holy ghost) and still try to claim that you're monotheist. Wow, what a nonsensical, inappropriate, and unnecessary criticism of Christianity.

Anyway, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is J-okay to me!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

T-O Madness

Evidently, Terrell Owens of the Dallas Cowboys attempted suicide Tuesday night, or so the media would have you believe. He claims he simply took a bad combination of pills (he added pain killers because of his injured hand) and passed out.

The media latched on to one comment Owens made while he was still out of it. Apparently a preliminary police report claimed that he answered "Yes" to the question of whether or not he was trying to hurt himself. This was never confirmed by anyone.

The entire media coverage of the situation was shameful. It is so irresponsible to even put out rumors when there is no confirmation. Remember Watergate? Woodward and Bernstein had to get multiple sources to say the same thing even before the Washington Post would run even the most obvious story. The T-O "story" is simply representative of this journalist carelessness.

More than the media turning into a tabloid circuit is the question of if Owens actually did try to commit suicide. There was absolutely no compassion for Owens throughout the entire coverage. If he actually did attempt suicide (and you have sufficient confirmation) report it and move on for the sake of the person that attempted suicide.

Damn, whatever happened to empathy?

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

More Racist Than I Thought

I promise not to exaggerate or make up anything in this post, because it would only cheapen the truth. I've actually under-reported the racism of incumbent Republican senate candidate from Virginia, George Allen.

In college in the 1970s, at least four college classmates assert that Allen frequently referred to black people using the n-word. While he was a lawyer, he displayed a confederate flag in his office and a noose (I know, that's really fucked up. But I promise it's true).

In comparison, this isn't as bad, but it's still not great: When confronted with the "allegation" that his mother has a Jewish heritage, he fervently spouted her supposed ethnicity (Italian and Spanish) including her percentages of each. The next day he claimed to embrace his mother's Jewish heritage, but said that he still had a ham sandwich for lunch and his mother made delicious porkchops.

Now all we have to do is get him to say something bigoted against rednecks and he may actually lose the senate race!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Nazi Zionist Pigs?

I'm in favor of a Palestinian state and I want to see the lives of the Palestinians improve dramatically. But let me drop a little Jewish paternalism on you.

The Palestinians (this is probably just a loud minority) need to make up their minds if they want to give their struggle any credibility: Either the Holocaust never happened or the Israelis are like Nazis; it can't be both, you gotta pick one fellas.

Given those two choices, I'd pick the Nazi-Israeli comparison. The problem with the comparison is that it's meant to speak to sympathetic Jews, but is really just offensive. I have a friend who claimed during last year's NBA playoffs that Dirk Nowitzki was the best basketball player of all time. Now don't get me wrong, he's a great player, but with a statement like that, I'm put in the position of having to explain why he's not the best player of all time, instead of explaining his great attributes.

As bad as the situation is for the Palestinians, there has not been anything close to an attempt at extinction, so the Israeli-Nazi comparison is a bit of hyperbole and distracts us from real-life concerns.

Moving on, I agree that Jews and Israel are two separate entities. You can be anti-Israel[i policy] and not anti-Jewish at the same time.

However, I've heard many Muslims define the problem as Zionism (and not Jews). Their definition of Zionism is a violent imperial force, not associated with any religion. I understand what they're talking about, but you need to find another word.

Zionism already has a very distinct definition: It stems from 19th century European anti-Semitism and is the belief that Jews need a nation-state of their own to avoid discrimination, preferably but not necessarily in Israel. With that definition, I am a Zionist. So when you rant against the Zionist pigs, you are talking about me and then I don't feel like hearing you. Something like apartheid is a better word. Many Jews fought the South African government to eradicate that oppressive system of government.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

More Bigotry Problems

The bigotry of Virginia's candidates for senate, Jim Webb and George Allen, has been well documented. Now, we have even more developments. The Green party candidate Allen Ackerman has called the Statue of Liberty "a whore."

Now this sounds bad (it is misogynist), but keep in mind that a lot of people have "come ashore" on the Statue of Liberty's "island" in "search of the American Dream."

author's note: Just about none of this post is true.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

The Prayoffs, Game 2

L'Shana Tova Pat Robertson! It's been a week and as far as I know, Fidel Castro is still alive which means I win this one. In addition, Hugo Chavez said some crazy shit, making it a blowout for me. The Jew G-d is winning 1-0 over Pat Robertson's Jesus.

Game 2
In this contest, Pat Robertson and I will pray our hardest to our respective Lords over the issue of me having a girlfriend. I will pray that I will find a nice lady friend before I leave for Florida for my cousin's Jew wedding on October 6th. Not just any woman (that wouldn't be fair) but someone I truly care about. Pat Robertson, you will pray that I will not find a girlfriend that I care about (that cares about me too) before October 6, 2006.

I know I'm an underdog here. I'm short and shy and have less than two weeks to find someone, and I'm busy. And I have a face for radio and a voice for the internet (which is not a clever pun). It doesn't look good, but I won't give up hope.

Pat, why do you pray for my unhappiness? But you better hope I don't find someone, or you'll be down 0-2 in this best of seven prayoffs!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Backshit Crazy

The Virginian senatorial race. Wait, wait, wait, don't go anywhere yet, this gets good.

In this corner, the Republican candidate George Allen:
  • called an Indian-American guy "Macaca" twice, implying that was the man's name. Macaca is like the n-word in French. Allen also welcomed the man to America (the man was born and raised in Virginia).
  • met with the Council of Conservative Citizens as governor. The CCC is a white supremacist group.

And in this corner, the Democratic candidate Jim Webb:

  • wrote an essay 27 years ago saying that women are too horny and weak to fight in combat.
  • portrayed his Jewish Democratic primary opponent with money coming out of his pockets in a campaign pamphlet. No word if they depicted the Jewish candidate with a hooked nose or devil horns as well.

Well, it comes down to the voters of Virginia. Which kind of hatred do they favor: the focused, in-your-face, call-you-a-macaca brand of racism exhibited by George Allen or the varied, intellectual, sexist-essay-writing, anti-Semitic-satirical bigotry of Jim Webb?

Now it has been uncovered that George Allen is "Jewish" because his grandfather is Jewish. Listen, George Allen is as Jewish as I am Christian, and believe me, none of you would consider my kikey-ass Christian. Whenever confronted with the allegation that his grandfather is a Jew, Allen always ignores it and insists that his mother was raised Christian. Is George Allen Jewish? Thanks, but no thanks.

However, if his Jewish heritage costs him the election, fuck it, he's Jewish!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Yo Voté

About a week ago, I voted in the Maryland primaries. After voting, I received a sticker with the words "Yo Voté" on it. Was this some kind of alien language? The sticker could have said "My mother's a whore" for all I know. I felt threatened.

Pepe, a small Mexican boy that I keep locked up in my basement until he realizes that "v" and "b" are two different letters and make two different sounds, told me that the strange letters formed a language known as Spanish.

Spanish is taking over our lives. It's on our voting stickers, it's on our Taco Bell menus (well, sort of), it's on our two Spanish-language tv stations, and I even heard a public announcement in Spanish while waiting for the metro once. It's everywhere in America, and I, for one, don't like it.

Now some may say that if I had looked 1/16 of an inch (I measured) above the words "Yo Voté" on my sticker, I would have noticed the words "I voted" just below an ostentation picture of the American flag. But I'm a busy man, I don't have time to adjust my eyesight ever-so-slightly, I got things to do (lay on the couch) and people to see (on tv).

As for that Spanish message at the metro station, some may claim that it was simply repeating the message already announced in English and to help people who are more comfortable with Spanish than English. But, what if it was a secret code telling the Spanish-speakers to kill all us true Americans? Yeah, not so harmless now, is it?

So, please, let's take "Yo Voté" off our voting stickers. I would like to understand the writing on my shirt (accept for the shirt that I bought in China, containing Chinese writing that almost certainly calls me a douche). And let's get Spanish out of our country. I'm with Lou Dobbs here, America is not a place for immigrants!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

My Singles Ad


Don't mind dating a Hell-bound Hebrew who doesn't accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior?
Call me at 301-xxx-xxxx!
I'll be waiting...

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Danger of Vegetables

In the United States, spinach has been infected with the e coli virus.

Now you know why I don't eat vegetables... for my health!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Prayoffs (Pat Robertson vs Me)

I want to determine once and for all: Who is the one true Lord? So, I challenge Pat Robertson to a pray-off.

Over the next week, Pat, you pray as hard as you can for Fidel Castro to die. I'll pray that he doesn't die, not because I'm a big Castro fan, but because I don't think it's morally right to pray for a person's death.

If Castro dies within the next week, you win. I'll admit Jesus is Lord and all that good stuff. If he doesn't die, you have to admit that Jesus is not the only path to salvation and that you're a bigoted douche.

I understand that I'm an underdog here. I am well behind Pat Robertson when it comes to our financial situations. About a billion more people believe that Jesus is divine than believe in my so-called Jew "G-d." Pat Robertson is a far more religious man than I, even if you consider Judaism a religion. And Castro is ill. But still, I have faith that I can pull an upset here.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Anti- 'American Ignorance'

My idea is that we change the names of the different countries to an English version of what they call themselves. For example, we would pronounce and spell Mexico as Mehico.

Germany would be Deutschland. Spain would be Espanya (we don't have the "squiggly n"). France is Francais. Canada would be Can... a... da... (I know I have a few Canadian readers, I'm really sorry. I'm not talking about you). And England would stay the same, just said in a really stupid accent.

There are some countries that have sounds in their languages that we don't have in English. We'll just get it as close as possible. For example, Hungary is like Magyar or something, and you say the g in a weird way. But Mag-yar is good enough. It's a hell of a lot closer than Hungary!

I know what you're thinking, I don't want to have to say "Espanya" like an arrogant prick. Don't worry we can say Espanya with our disgustingly offensive American accents, so it's not much of a concession.

Changing the names to ones that are closer to that of each country would allow us to be more empathetic to the rest of the world. For example, the joke "three guys from Poland walk into a bar..." is just wrong and hurtful. But if we change the joke to "three guys from Polska walk into a bar..." then it's funny and culturally sensitive. And that's what America is all about!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Thank You

I just wanted to take the time out to thank everyone who reads my blog on a consistent basis, whether I know you or not, whether you leave comments or read it with out saying anything.

You might be wondering: "Why thanks us now? Are you going away? Are you going to stop posting? Is this post a round number or something?" Hey, what's with all the fucking questions?

But seriously, I write this blog for myself. I write what I think is funny or interesting, so it's nice to know that other people either share a similar outlook on the world or are at least intrigued by what I write. It means a lot.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Millard Fillmore

Jeopardy "Wiz" Ken Jennings was on the Colbert Report tonight. Jennings was explaining the various things he had to study to succeed on Jeopardy, for example, "I used to know all of the dates of the presidents, like when Millard Fillmore was elected."

When asked for the dates, Mr. Jennings replied, "I said I used to know them. I don't remember."

Everyone knows that Millard Fillmore was never elected president, he took over after Zachary Taylor died, and served from 1850-1853 douche.

Author's note: Probably not direct quotes from Ken Jennings. So, sue me assholes.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


In Montgomery County, Maryland, you cannot "Write-In" any canidates because of the electronic voting!!!

The Maryland Primaries 2006

Let's review the candidates that I'm voting for...

Kweisi Mfume - Does not favor totalitarianism.

Peter Franchot - Is against spending half of the state's budget on whores for players of the Frederick Keys.

House, District 8:
Deborah Vollmer - Has never strangled a puppy to death.

Montgomery County Executive:
Ike Leggett - Did not have sex with Steve Silverman's children (despite what Silverman would have you believe).

County Council, District 3:
Phil Andrews - Didn't spray paint swastikas on my house (I'm guessing).

Write ins-
Attorney General:
Tom Perez - Hasn't been a lawyer in Maryland for the required 10 years, also hasn't raped and murdered any little children.

State Senate, District 15:
Mom - She's a cool lady, probably not qualified though.

New Decisions-
Montgomery County Council At Large:
Hugh Bailey - Likes apple pie, baseball, and the 4th of July.
Marc Elrich - Not the brother of Governor Ehrlich.
George Leventhal - Are there really that many people who live near Shady Grove and work in Silver Spring to where it makes sense to spend billions of dollars on the Purple line? Anyway, he doesn't throw his poop like a monkey.
Bette Dale Petrides - Would watch The Daily Show if she stayed up late enough.

State's Attorney:
John McCarthy - Cuz he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggone it, most elected officials have endorsed him.

Clerk of the Circuit Court:
Caryn Hines - Went to college.

Raymond Michael Kight - Probably not as racist as the other candidates. Unless his membership in the NAACP is just an excuse to say the words "Colored People" in a socially acceptable arena.

Board of Education, District 5:
Nancy Navarro - Can write a complete sentence.

Board of Education, at large:
Shirley Brandman - Has never killed a retarded student of hers, despite the temptation to do so. (Ever write something that just makes you sad to be yourself? And yet, I find it too funny to delete).

Monday, September 11, 2006

Out of the horrors of the Holocaust, two generations later, I have a wonderful life. This doesn't make the Holocaust itself good, but good can come from tragedy. Perhaps it is the hopeless optimist in me, who wished that out of tragedy of September 11, 2001, this world would have become a better place. I'm reminded of the words of Martin Luther King, "Only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars." But five years after the attacks on September 11th, the legacy of that day is seemingly never-ending violence.

The victims' families' pain has been public and even political. America is not a society that deals well with others' grief. The impetus to "get on with you life" is great. "Get over it." We are implicitly told that five years is enough time to grieve and move on passed the loss of a loved one, but not enough to move passed an attack on our homeland.

It is understandable that people- who, frankly, are not connected to the attacks on September 11th- will grieve for people of the same imagined community. They will go through the standard steps of grief. But let there be no doubt that your grief is less important than those who lost loved ones on that fateful day. You have a right to be sad, to be angry, to feel guilty, and to experience all of the emotions that are accompanied with loss, but these attacks did not take away your kid, your dad, your mom, or any other loved one. We Americans are selfish grievers, but your grief needs to take a backseat to those who have actually lost.

There is a unique wisdom that tragedy provides. Some choose to explore that wisdom, some choose to ignore it. But this country has failed to listen to the people who were directly affected by the attacks on September 11, 2001. Instead, we listen to politicians and pundits, who interpret the pain of others. They did not experience any tangible loss and they have no right to claim that date as their own, for their own causes.

Over the last five years, there has been plenty of murder, with vengeance as justification. We must stop the cycle of violence; it is America's responsibility.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Maryland's Local Democratic Primaries

Montgomery County Executive-

Steven Silverman wants the purple line on the metro because it will slow growth, or so he claims on his commercial. I don't understand that at all; it makes no sense. The fact of the matter is that Silverman is in the pocket of big business, who wants to turn our county into one big city. He also wrote on one of his pamphlets "Ike Leggett, Good Guy, Bad Ideas," which I find quite insulting to myself as a voter. He's trying to go negative without it appearing as such. I'm voting for Ike Leggett because he is for slowing growth and not saying one thing while meaning another like Silverman.

County Council, District 3-

I like Phil Andrews over Bob Dorsey because he is for slowing growth in our community just as is Leggett. Also, Phil Andrews came to my house once. He didn't really allow me to ask him any questions, but he just sent a letter than was addressed only to me (not my mom or my brother, who weren't there) saying that he appreciated meeting me. That shows that he's concerned about his constituents.

House of Delegates, District 15-

Kathleen Dumais, Brian J. Feldman, and Craig L. Rice are running unopposed for the party's nod. They all seem fine. Not sure why Feldman and Rice need to go with their middle initials though.

State Senator, District 15-

The incumbent is also running unopposed. I'm writing in my mom just to show the Democratic Party that we don't need just one-person primaries. I demand real choices!

Attorney General-

I still haven't made up my mind on the Maryland attorney general's race. I really don't like either candidate. Simms seems disingenuous and Gansler doesn't sit well with me. He seems like the type of guy who owes his success to his daddy, despite his own mistakes.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Maryland Democratic Primaries

Primary: September 12, 2006

Attorney General-

I was planning on voting for Tom Perez, but he had to bow out because he hasn't served as a lawyer in Maryland for at least 10 years. So, I'm not sure if I'll vote for Stuart Simms or Doug Gansler yet.


William Schaefer is 84 years old. He's held just about every political office that one person can in Maryland. Perhaps it's time for a fresh face. Plus he looks like the guy who killed Medgar Evers. Ok ok, that wasn't so cool, but c'mon. Plus, he seems to agree a lot with Robert Ehrlich. Janet Owens is for growth and funding large transportation projects. I believe education is more important than bringing even more people to the area and destroying the environment. So I'm voting for Peter Franchot in the primary. I agree with his priorities.

House of Representatives, District 8-

I believe that the war in Iraq is the most important issue right now. Until we can end this disaster, we won't be able to focus on domestic issues. Deborah Vollmer agrees with this assessment. Just as Kweisi Mfume, Vollmer is for an immediate troop withdrawal. I also like the idea of a candidate who is not in the pocket of a major political party and who has greater loyalty to conviction than to their political career advancement. Chris Van Hollen has been a good representative and I appreciate the fact that he always answers my email in a timely fashion. But I think it's important to send a message to the Democratic Party to be strong.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Maryland Senate Race

I'm voting for Kseisi Mfume in the Democratic primary on September 12th to be Maryland's next senator.

Mfume and Rep. Ben Cardin have the most experience in national politics. Mfume favors an immediate troop withdrawal from Iraq. I agree. We messed up their country, it's impossible for us to be a stabilizing force there because we messed up their country. Our presence is fueling the violence in Iraq. If we leave, the country will still see violence, because of our invasion, but our presence can't stop it. It doesn't make sense to leave our troops in Iraq. In the mean time, Americans and Iraqis die. I demand a troop withdrawal now.

Even if you favor a phased troop withdrawal, Mfume is the better candidate on this issue. A fundamental principal of democracy is compromise. The Democrats need to take a firm stand to start with or they'll be shoved aside again as we've seen in the last 5 years, because they want to have their cake and eat it to, but they've gotten nothing.

Despite this weak stance, Ben Cardin also voted for the Patriot Act. Fine, it was a turbulent time and Cardin was like a feather caught in the political winds. He made a mistake. Except that he voted to EXTEND the Patriot Act also! Cardin also accepts money from special interest groups, Mfume does not, which may help some decide, but the two other issues are more important to me.

I like Allan Lichtman's actions in protesting the Mfume-Cardin debate on Maryland Public Television. Lichtman was arrested because they wouldn't let him and some other candidates’ debate. He said that the media shouldn't be allowed to arbitrarily decide the election. I agree. But he doesn't have the political experience of Mfume and we don't get to vote for our two favorite candidates.

Josh Rales says on his website, "Josh will advocate moving away from Cold War military strategy and foreign policy, and developing a plan that will address the new threats and enemies we face in the 21st century."

I give the Bush administration a little more credit than that. I think they can at least tell the difference between a cold war and the hot war that we're actually in. This just seems like insulting meaningless buzzwords.

From what I've read, I agree with David Dickinson's and James Hutchinson's stances on the issues, but I believe that Mfume is a better and more experienced candidate. Dennis Rasmussen is a self-described moderate. You know what we call a moderate Democrat in Maryland, a Republican.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

David Horowitz Meets the J-Board

The J-Board (Jew-Board) rights the wrongs that our people have committed, one Jew at a time. The members of the J-Board are (Chairman) Moses, Maimonides, Elie Wiesel, and myself (fuck you, it's my fantasy!). This week, the J-Board's special guest is current Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg.

The meeting-
Moses: First, I'd like to welcome our guest panelist today, Ruth Bader-Ginsburg.

Ruth Bader-Ginsburg: Thank you Moses. It's a pleasure to be here, playing my part in bringing those Jews that have tarnished our image to justice.

Moses: Before us today is Rabbi David Horowitz, He is charged with... wait, who the fuck is David Horowitz? Is that the Son of Sam killer?

Maimonides: No, that's David Berkowitz. David Horowitz is a neo-conservative pundit who has called for the Jews to stop persecuting Christians.

Moses: What the fuck are Christians?

Maimonides: Those are the people that have been persecuting us for the last 2,000 years, give or take a few.

Moses: Ah, yeah, ok. So, what is this Horowitz being tried for?

Maimonides: I'm not really sure. He did call the Passion of the Christ "a great movie," instead of denouncing it as the anti-Semitic garble that it is. He defended Ann Coulter's comments when she insulted some widows, whose husbands were killed during the attacks of September 11, 2001. That's not so bad until you realize that she insulted their husbands' deaths! Plus, he's Sean Hannity's token Jew, if you don't count Alan Colmes, and I don't.

Elie Wiesel: Alan Colmes?! Talk about a lamb being led to the slaughter! That schmuck needs to gain some chutzpah and stand up to that bully Hannity.

Moses: Yeah, I still don't know who David Horowitz is and I don't really give two shits about him. He's guilty of whatever. [standing up] You write it up together Maimonides and Ruth Bader-Ginsburg. Case closed. [turns and begins to walk out]

David Horowitz [yelling]: What? That's a travesty of justice! You can't just charge me with whatever you like. [whimpering] I'm a good Jew. I'm a good Jew.

Moses [turns back, yelling]: Hey, tukhis face, shut the fuck up. You can't talk me like that, I'm Moses, you horse-shtuper.

David (me): Hahahahaha, horse-shtuper! Good one Moses.

Moses: Thanks.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Tips on Saving Money on Gas

1) Don't be so fucking fat! Your car struggles just to accelerate because your fat ass is weighing it down. Do you know how much gas that wastes? Then the price of gas goes up. Essentially, I'm paying because you're lazy and like Twinkies with a side of bacon. I hear your car crying for help. And it's not a good sign when the car starts shaking the moment you sit your fat ass in it. You make me sick, literally, I start to gag when I see you, fatty-fat pants.*

2) Carpool

3) Buy a hybrid

* - this does not apply to women ;) call me

Monday, September 04, 2006

Al Jolson Meets the "J-Board"

The J-Board (Jew-Board) rights the wrongs that our people have committed, one Jew at a time. The members of the J-Board are (Chairman) Moses, Maimonides, Elie Wiesel, and myself (fuck you, it's my fantasy!). This week, the J-Board's special guest is Sammy Davis Jr.

The meeting-
Chairman Moses: I hearby call the J-trial of Al Jolson to order. I welcome our distinguished guest, Mr. Sammy Davis Jr. Mr. Jolson, are you aware of the charges against you?

Al Jolson: Yes suh massa...

Sammy Davis Jr. [having to be physically restrained by Elie Wiesel and myself] : What the fuck, man?! You're a racist cat! Let me at him!

Moses: Please, Mr. Sammy Davis Jr. Please keep calm.

Sammy: I'm cool, I'm cool like a cucumber, jack.

Moses: Ok, thank you sir. Mr. Jolson, you are charged with the crime of singing and dancing in blackface and other general acts of overt racism. Now, Mr. Sammy Davis Jr., will you do the honor of beginning our proceedings?

Sammy: Sure thing Moses baby. Now, Al, you've made a career on mocking me and other black people. Why do you feel like that's acceptable? Your place in time doesn't excuse the hurt and shame you have caused myself, my fellow black people, us Jews, and all of humanity, you dig? We as Jews have never excused the physical, emotional, and mental torture of our people with the lame excuse of innocence due to contemporary societal norms. You've insulted my act mac, and thus my life. Whatever happened to peace and love, man? We're supposed to be better than that. If it pleases the J-Board I would like to officially brand Al as a mother fucking racist. I yield the remainder of my time.

Moses: Thank you sir. Mr. Sammy Davis Jr. officially votes in favor of Mr. Jolson being a mother fucking racist. Personally, I feel like you have shamed our people with your hatred to the point where your own humanity must be questioned. Your status as a Jew should be revoked, you racist fucker. Maimonides, it is your turn.

Maimonides: Thank you. With all due respect to my dear friend Moses, we as Jews must deal with the reality of the Al Jolson's in the world. We must embrace him as one of our own, scold him for his bigotry, and work with him on eradicating his hatred of black people.

Al [stands up and starts dancing]: Mammie...

Maimonides: You ignorant-ass putz. Dancing around in blackface, that shit's not cool. Not cool man. Listen, I was the first to accept the convert as a true Jew, I'm tolerant, but I will not tolerate your racism. You're fucked up in the head. Even after all our people have endured, have you learned nothing? The anti-Semites of the world mock us, do you think that makes it ok for you to mock black people? Damn. You're a mother fucking racist.

Moses: Thank you Maimonides. Mr. Jolson, you have continued to represent the absence of Good throughout these proceedings. You have a lack of empathy. Now, I don't even have anywhere near a modern conception of race, but even I know you're a mother fucking racist kike. Mr. Wiesel, it's your turn.

Elie Wiesel: Thank you Moses. Mr. Jolson, sir, I echo the sentiments of our distinguished panelists. You have shamed our people. While I was drained of my soul in a concentration camp, millions of people were gaining their perception of blacks through your portrait of bigotry. Our people died because of the same hatred you had perpetrated. You were the American version of Goebbels, only an argubly better singer. You could have saved me through the power of song, but you chose to emotionally murder black Americans instead. You are one mother fucking racist. Now do me a favor and in the words of Big Daddy Kane, "Put a quarter in your ass , cuz you played yourself."

Moses: Thank you Mr. Wiesel. David, you're next.

David: I couldn't have said it better than- Sammy Davis Jr., Moses, Maimonides, and Elie Wiesel- myself. Al Jolson is a racist kike.

Moses: Do you vote to officially brand him a mother fucking racist?

David: Yep.

Moses: Mr. Jolson, do you have anything to say for yourself?

Al [drawing on his face with pen]: Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal....

Moses: Hey, shut the fuck up Jewpig! Al Jolson, you're a racist mother fucker. Your sentence is that you have to spend sixteen months each with Pat Robertson and Louis Farrakhan without the ability to make any sarcastic jokes. Case closed.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Jewishness in Eastern Europe

There is still a Jewish presence in Eastern Europe. My favorite is the symbolism of the picture with Patricia.
Sofia, Bulagaria. Inside the synagogue that is in the center of town.

Sofia, Bulgaria. The same synagogue. It is a Sephardic synagogue.

Sofia, Bulgaria. Hebrew on a random car.

Budapest, Hungary. Synagogue.

Bratislava, Slovakia. There is a Jewish museum across the street.

Vienna, Austria. Judengasse (has a nice ring to it?). I believe there's a synagogue in the middle there.

Vienna, Austria. Judenplatz. The white box is the Holocaust memorial.

Warsaw, Poland. This is one of two buildings still standing from the former Jewish ghetto. Nazis used to torture people in that building. Patricia, the granddaughter of Holocaust survivors, now takes her psychology classes there.

Warsaw, Poland. The memorial for the ghetto uprisers.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Anti-Semitism in Eastern Europe

We were limited to only being able to see anti-Semitism in the form of graffiti (except for the young woman in the hostel in Vienna, who told me that the attacks on September 11th were a Jewish conspiracy). I didn't go with any intention of documenting or seeking out anti-Semitism.

Sofia, Bulgaria. This is on the side of a school. (I learned later this is anti-fascist: check the comments)

Sofia, Bulgaria. I have no idea what this says (I learned later this is also anti-fascist: check the comments).

Budapest, Hungary. "Juden Unter Alles" (it's written in German). I was told that this is a play on the German national anthem saying that the Jews are underneath the trash.

Budapest, Hungary. This is very faint, in the corner of a bridge. I'm not really sure how I saw it. In Budapest, they have statues of cows (or bulls) and a couple of them had Stars of David drawn on the ass (presumably not by the sculpturer).

Vienna, Austria. In the Jewish museum. It's meant to show how the Nazis "aryanized" Mozart. I was offended that the main exhibition in the Jewish museum centered around Mozart and one of his minions (a minion that converted away from Judaism at 14 years of age and never looked back).

On my bus ride from Warsaw to Munich, I saw a few Stars of David spray painted on the walls. They're not going to spray paint swastikas in Poland (think about it), so this is how they show their anti-Semitism. I didn't see any anti-Semitic graffiti in Bucharest, Bratislava, or Warsaw. Doesn't mean there's no anti-Semitism there and doesn't mean that it is there either.

Friday, September 01, 2006

East European Hip Hop

Wherever I go I buy a local Hip Hop album. This past trip, I bought 5 CDs. I did research and wrote a list of artists from the possible countries that we would visit. I couldn't find any of the Bulgarian or Romanian artists from my list and then I lost the list. That's my luck. I'm certainly not a music critic, and I only speak English, but here's a little bit about each album.

artist: Rumanetsa & Enchev
album: ETHNO

The beats on this album are fairly creative. They use great instrumentation and a fitting bass in each song. One song sounds like (may actually be) a Hindi song, where the words "I like girls" are repeated in English. Now, I'm as virulently heterosexual as the next guy (if that next guy is virulently heterosexual), but I don't feel the need to repeat that fact over a Hindi song that I jacked and took as my own. But maybe that's just me. Plus, I've "graduated" to women now.

The song All 4 One (the only English title) features rap in Bulgarian, but the accented English chorus, "We are different in everything. We're so different in the way we think. We have different (something something), but we're so equal when we love." Which is either very deep or makes no sense.

artist: Da Hood
album: Secret of din Gradina

This album is pretty good. Many of the beats feature an accustic guitar and the emcees stay with the beats pretty well. A couple of tracks use electric guitar, making the songs sound like rap-metal, which I don't like. For the most part, this is in tact with other Romanian Hip Hop that I've heard (Anonim, Parazitii, and BUG Mafia), all being quite good.

artist: Dopeman
album: Az Országház Fantomja

My friend's family lives in Hungary and they were kind enough to make me a CD of Hungarian Hip Hop highlights. I enjoyed most of that album. I was hoping to score some Ganxta Zolee, but the only album in the store was a live album. I'm not a big fan of live albums. So I got an album from the artist with the second best song (or so I thought) on my best of Hungarian Hip Hop CD. Actually, the song I liked was by Sub Bass Monster, not Dopeman, oh well.

But this album gets better with more listens. Dopeman uses live instruments and flows with the beat. It's like the Hungarian The Roots (maybe not as good yet). One song features a really terrible sample of the theme from Rocky, Gonna Fly Now. EPMD was able to pull off a decent Rocky sample, but for the most part, let's just leave Rocky alone. It's my favorite movie and I'd hate to see the sound track abused like this. The weird thing is that this Rocky sample is really out of place with the rest of the album.

artist: Druha Strana
album: Vypoved Otom Cojetu Vidiet

I've already talked about how I got laughed at while buying this album in Slovakia in a previous post. My friend understands some Slovakian and she was telling me some of the titles of the songs. Most are about the emcees as outcasts of society. They seem to have found their niche with this CD however. They use banging thumping beats with limited haunting instrumentation to compliment their consistent flow and deep voices. My friend listened to one song (the one with the best beat) and said it was about pimps. So, that's not so good, but not understanding the words myself, I pretend that they're talking about peace or fighting sexism or something.

artist: Texta
album: So Oder So

I went into a music store in Vienna and asked for "Austrian Hip Hop" (most in the city speak fluent English). The guy was very helpful (though he had a snoody attitude). He told me that "Austria only has two Hip Hop bands and they are both not good." He showed me the two albums and then recommended several German artists. That moment was the first time that I questioned this activity (buying a Hip Hop album from each place I visit). I felt uncomfortable explaining to him that it didn't matter whether they were good or not, I wanted an Austrian Hip Hop album, not a German one. I realized later that this guy was into hardcore rap, so perhaps the Austrian groups just weren't his cup of tea.

This album is quite varied. The most prevalent style invokes soul-samples. Sort of like a not-as-good Kanye West. Each beat sounds innovative from the outset and then soon becomes repetitive. Texta (who have done a song with Jurassic 5 by the way) sound like a group with potential. They infuse English better than most of the acts from around the non-English speaking world. But the German language doesn't always work over soul-sampled and jazzy Hip Hop

Last time I went to Europe I bought an album from Poland and Germany. The German album was pretty good, and I really enjoyed the Polish one. Right now, I'd say that Polish is my favorite non-English speaking Hip Hop.