The J-Board (Jew-Board) rights the wrongs that our people have committed, one Jew at a time. The members of the J-Board are (Chairman) Moses, Maimonides, Elie Wiesel, and myself (fuck you, it's my fantasy!). This week, the J-Board's special guest is Sammy Davis Jr.
The meeting-
Chairman Moses: I hearby call the J-trial of Al Jolson to order. I welcome our distinguished guest, Mr. Sammy Davis Jr. Mr. Jolson, are you aware of the charges against you?
Al Jolson: Yes suh massa...
Sammy Davis Jr. [having to be physically restrained by Elie Wiesel and myself] : What the fuck, man?! You're a racist cat! Let me at him!
Moses: Please, Mr. Sammy Davis Jr. Please keep calm.
Sammy: I'm cool, I'm cool like a cucumber, jack.
Moses: Ok, thank you sir. Mr. Jolson, you are charged with the crime of singing and dancing in blackface and other general acts of overt racism. Now, Mr. Sammy Davis Jr., will you do the honor of beginning our proceedings?
Sammy: Sure thing Moses baby. Now, Al, you've made a career on mocking me and other black people. Why do you feel like that's acceptable? Your place in time doesn't excuse the hurt and shame you have caused myself, my fellow black people, us Jews, and all of humanity, you dig? We as Jews have never excused the physical, emotional, and mental torture of our people with the lame excuse of innocence due to contemporary societal norms. You've insulted my act mac, and thus my life. Whatever happened to peace and love, man? We're supposed to be better than that. If it pleases the J-Board I would like to officially brand Al as a mother fucking racist. I yield the remainder of my time.
Moses: Thank you sir. Mr. Sammy Davis Jr. officially votes in favor of Mr. Jolson being a mother fucking racist. Personally, I feel like you have shamed our people with your hatred to the point where your own humanity must be questioned. Your status as a Jew should be revoked, you racist fucker. Maimonides, it is your turn.
Maimonides: Thank you. With all due respect to my dear friend Moses, we as Jews must deal with the reality of the Al Jolson's in the world. We must embrace him as one of our own, scold him for his bigotry, and work with him on eradicating his hatred of black people.
Al [stands up and starts dancing]: Mammie...
Maimonides: You ignorant-ass putz. Dancing around in blackface, that shit's not cool. Not cool man. Listen, I was the first to accept the convert as a true Jew, I'm tolerant, but I will not tolerate your racism. You're fucked up in the head. Even after all our people have endured, have you learned nothing? The anti-Semites of the world mock us, do you think that makes it ok for you to mock black people? Damn. You're a mother fucking racist.
Moses: Thank you Maimonides. Mr. Jolson, you have continued to represent the absence of Good throughout these proceedings. You have a lack of empathy. Now, I don't even have anywhere near a modern conception of race, but even I know you're a mother fucking racist kike. Mr. Wiesel, it's your turn.
Elie Wiesel: Thank you Moses. Mr. Jolson, sir, I echo the sentiments of our distinguished panelists. You have shamed our people. While I was drained of my soul in a concentration camp, millions of people were gaining their perception of blacks through your portrait of bigotry. Our people died because of the same hatred you had perpetrated. You were the American version of Goebbels, only an argubly better singer. You could have saved me through the power of song, but you chose to emotionally murder black Americans instead. You are one mother fucking racist. Now do me a favor and in the words of Big Daddy Kane, "Put a quarter in your ass , cuz you played yourself."
Moses: Thank you Mr. Wiesel. David, you're next.
David: I couldn't have said it better than- Sammy Davis Jr., Moses, Maimonides, and Elie Wiesel- myself. Al Jolson is a racist kike.
Moses: Do you vote to officially brand him a mother fucking racist?
David: Yep.
Moses: Mr. Jolson, do you have anything to say for yourself?
Al [drawing on his face with pen]: Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal....
Moses: Hey, shut the fuck up Jewpig! Al Jolson, you're a racist mother fucker. Your sentence is that you have to spend sixteen months each with Pat Robertson and Louis Farrakhan without the ability to make any sarcastic jokes. Case closed.
3 comments:
Thank you so much for your lovely comment about Mike's birthday not being that great in my blog. Perhaps if you knew the tragedy that had surrounded that date in years past you wouldn't use sarcasm (one of your favorite pastimes acording to your bio) to comment on it in a complete stranger's blog. So here's a big F YOU from me.
I don't know, I still think I'd be sarcastic, it's my schtick.
Plus, I've had tragedy around my birthday too, eh, so what? Life goes on whether you want it to or not.
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