Thursday, October 27, 2005

Baseball Wrap-Up

Another baseball season and yet more demons exorcised. Despite poor playoff performances by umpires, the game is strong, surviving a steroid scandal. The White Sox showed that great pitching is as exciting as juice-induced homeruns. But this year to me meant the return home of a team. It meant Wednesday nights at the ballpark in anxious anticipation, rooting for a scrappy team from Washington for the first time in my life. Most of all, it meant fun.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Turn On The Lights

To my fellow D.C. metro area drivers:

Turn on your fucking lights! It's raining like you've sinned against Jesus (the one true Lord) and foggy as all Heaven. I can't see you, you fucker. Turn them on!


So we got some cold rain today and its very windy. I saw twins walking in the rain together at George Mason. They were two tall, geeky looking guys. One was holding the umbrella for both of them.

It made me think: how did they determine which twin had to hold the umbrella? Was it his turn? Did they play a never-ending game of rock-paper-scissors? Never-ending because they probably have that psychic twin thing.

Boggles the mind.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Helping Out A Friend

This is dedicated to a special friend who will remain nameless. He appears unsure of his identity and I would like to help him. I want him to know that I will be there for him every step of the way as he attempts to figure himself out.

You might be gay when...
-you constantly recount the time when your buddy was in your apartment naked.
-you like sticking your balls in other guys' faces.
-you make a lot of gay jokes to overcompensate.
-you make a lot of jokes about women to overcompensate.
-you take off your shirt, put on Bridgette Jones #2, then slide into my bed and eat snacks while I was trying to watch some Chinese soccer.
-you are male and you have a wet dream while sleeping in the same bed as me.
-you play "gay chicken" with me, when no one else is in the apartment and I'm just trying to watch Monday Night Football on your small ass tv.
-you "bang-cock" people just so you can have an excuse to touch male genitalia.
-your name is ....

I'm here for you.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Rally Monkey Throws His Poop

The Angels got screwed hard like Ronald Goldman's father. Not because of that whole O.J. Simpson thing, he's just likes it rough. Call after call, the umpires fucked the Angels like they wouldn't go to hell for it. They will. Only one of the numerous calls against the Angels was correct. The clinching play really, when Escobar tagged Pierzynki (or some shit) with his glove while the ball was in his bare hand. The Peirzinky (or some shit) play to end Game 2, where he reached first after a phantom drop of strike three, did change the momentum of the series. The Angels would not win again. The were no Angels in the outfield, unless they were the spirits of the 1919 Black Sox.

The Cardinals also got hosed in Game 4. Sure, throw out LaRussa, but Jim Edmonds? That really was bullshit. You people should blame that ump, not Jason Marquis. Or, if you are going to blame Jason Marquis, just don't blame the rest of us. He's the one who sucked it up big time, we just see him at services. I must admit, I'm really starting to dislike the Astros and their fans, especially George Bush. Partly it is political, partly it is because I want to crawl inside Barbara Bush, but George is still there, yes I admit to both, but beyond both of those reasons, George Bush's face is just annoying. So that Pujols homer was vindicating. Especially since the announcers were reading Busch Stadiums eulogy and recounting the tortured history of the Astros, finally reaching triumph. Suck on that.

Monday, October 17, 2005

George Bush's Gay Agenda

What is the "Gay Agenda"? Christian conservatives believe it is one set of goals, while in actuality, it is probably something different.

The Gay Agenda
-Perhaps, going to a movie with the nice guy you met at the library.
-Maybe going to a club to have a few drink and dance.
-Staying in and hanging with friends.
-Going out to dinner.
-Watching tv.

Not The Gay Agenda
-Turning everyone else gay.
-Destroying the American family.
-Having sex with "traditional values" in the butt.
-Making Pat Robertson's son gay.
-Having sex with goats or other animals.
-Becoming a Catholic priest and having sex with little boys. (I know someone who a virile heterosexual, but likes fingering little boys. This is "pedophilia", which is a different word with a different meaning than "homosexual." Pedophilia is immoral, illegal, and the perpetrator should be institutionalized, while homosexuality is like heterosexuality except different. Basically, if you're a man then you like dudes instead of chicks. That's about it.)
-Spreading STDs.
-Gaying up America.

Hopefully that clears some things up a bit.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Message From Grandpa 2

Grandpa comes back to his car from the bank.

Grandpa: Why you in the driver's seat?
Me: What the hell took so long? I'm here 'cause you're double parked. Plus, you not only left the car door unlocked, but you left the door wide open, in the Bronx with your two grandsons in the backseat! What the fuck were you thinking?
Grandpa: Oh. Ok.

I've Noticed

On a Chevy commercial a spokesperson said, "We guarantee that you'll get an estimated 30 miles per gallon." How can you guarantee an estimate? That shit's pointless.

Announcing the NLCS, Fox broadcaster Thom Brennamen (he's actually the one that I like) said that the Astros' closer Brad Lidge was the most unhitable pitcher. How can you be the most unhitable? You're either unhitable (no one can get a hit off of you) or you're hitable. Brad Lidge is the "least hitable pitcher" makes more sense Thom. I'm just helping you out.

Yes this is knit-picky, but I don't have anyone to watch tv with and make these inane comments to. So until that someone appears, you will have to suffer.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Yom Kippur

Today Muslims and Jews will be fasting at the same time. Hopefully we take some time during the day to think about each other and the fact that we will be going through the same experience.

Jews and Muslims are awesome for fasting, not like the Christians. Those world dominating conspiratorial bastar... What? That's not in the spirit of peace and harmony? Ok, ok. I'll try again.

May Jews' and Muslims' fast be easy yet enlightening and may Christians be granted the gift of empathy. A nod to the Hindus as well. The Buddhists, the Zoroastrians, and the "Others," a happy Thursday to you too.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Message From Grandpa

My grandpa is gone now, but he deserves a voice. Even if he were alive, the only way he'd have a voice on the internet is if I wrote it for him, so it doesn't really matter either way. From time to time, I'll try to provide a window into his world through his own words.

Grandpa's driving in Bronx, New York on a road that has two lanes in each direction. Grandpa pulls up right in the middle. My brother and I are in the backseat. I'm maybe 12 years old.

I look at my brother puzzled, he looks back at me astonished.

Me: Uh, Grandpa... I don't think this is a lane.
Grandpa: This is New York! We make our own lanes!!

Monday, October 10, 2005

Another I Told You So

At a certain occasion that will remain nameless, one participant announced that he wanted to learn Portuguese. It was decided that Portugal and Brazil were the only places in the world that Portuguese would be useful. I mentioned Mozambique, an Africa country located in the southeast of the continent. I called up my friend President Armando Guebuza and he concurred (ok, I'm not friends with Mr. Guebuza and do not have his cell number).

I was shunned. Ignored. No one believed me. I tried to press my case that Mozambique was indeed colonized by Portugal. I was sure of it. Just dismissive, "I don't think that's right"s followed.

click on that:

When I say I'm sure of something, I am sure of it. Please don't question me. I'm a very honest person and I will admit when I'm unsure about something or when I'm wrong about something. But why question me on issues of colonization if you know nothing about it? I mean, damn, what I gotta do to get some respect?

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Football and Roman Numerals

This post goes out to the jackass who argued that Super Bowl 40 would be expressed Roman numerically as: XXXX. I don't remember who I had this argument with, but you are an idiot. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you. That may seem like a harsh thing to say to a friend or family member, but sometimes tough love is needed. Especially when you are a retard. Damn! I can't believe how stupid you are. Obviously, it's Super Bowl XL. I said that before, and now I'm saying it again. You fucking moron. Man, I hate you.

If you remember having this argument with me, and being the brain-dead bastard that thought in would be expressed as Super Bowl XXXX, please let me know, you dumb-ass.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Living In A New World?

The world is not drastically different since September 11, 2001. Of course, the scale of violence between the United States and Islamic fundamentalists has increased and there have been a few other differences, but for the most part, our violent interactions with militant Islamists has simply continued. Let me take you back to 1998.

Every year I write a list before New Year's Day (your New Year's Day) on the top ten good and bad things that happened in the previous year. The list may be personal, political, or whatever I'm feeling. I wrote the number one bad thing of 1998 this way...

President Clinton was impeached. The U.S. also bombed Iraq. There is not a safe feeling in the U.S.

I was 16 years old when I wrote that. It appears as if it could have been written anytime since 2003, but in actuality this unsafe feeling existed in the country before September, 2001. The United States' bombing of Iraq was simply another in a long line of violence between the two nations since the Gulf War, when the alliance between the two was broken. The U.S. also bombed Afghanistan in 1998 in retaliation for the attacks against the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania.

Now, let's assume that I am not now nor have I ever been a prophet. As a 16 year-old, I did not have a greater grasp of the geo-political outlook that the average American. Believe me, as a 16 year-old I was still jerking off to re-runs of Saved By The Bell. Instead my comments were simply reflecting the feelings of the country.

There have been retaliatory attacks from both the U.S. and the Islamists for several decades. The names and faces have changed, particularly the Islamists (some have "switched sides" although it would be more accurate to say that the U.S. perception of these groups/individuals has shifted), but this is still a complex linear struggle. One in which there has always been danger for American citizens. We should not live with an increased sense of fear.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

One Done, Many More To Come!

The Washington Nationals finished their first season in the nation's capital with an 81-81 record. From Brad Wilkerson's leadoff hit against the Phillies back in April to Christian Guzman's strikeout against the Phillies in October, the Nats gave us a reason to follow baseball again. The team had a first half of 51-30, but faltered in the second part of the summer. But this special team gave us a special season. There were disappointments, there were triumphs, but always we were there supporting OUR team.

From the time in first place to Chad Cordero's amazing save streak to the streak, to all the one run wins and then all those one run losses to Mike Stanton's balk to the chase for the Wild Card, it was an exciting season. More importantly, we actually have hope for a winner next season! The pitching was great, particularly three starters, Livan Hernandez (15-10 3.98 ERA), Estaban Loaiza (12-10 3.77), and, of course, John Patterson (9-7 3.13). Ryan Drese and Tony Armas were solid, but were injured at the end of the year. That forced Frank Robinson to throw out on the mound anyone he could find. Eventually, the aged veteran, Hector Carrasco (5-4 2.04) answered the call, ending the season as the team's 4th starter. He had pitched great as the setup man for the Chief, Chad Cordero. Cordero (2-4 1.82) led the majors in saves with 47, though he is only 23 years old. Gary Majewski (4-4 2.93) and Luis Ayala (8-7 2.66) were key guys in the bullpen. The Nats' pitching staff were the catalysts for this year's success.

The Nats' bats were much maligned this season. They finished last in the National League in most offensive categories. Brad Wilkerson [B-Dub] (.248 11 homers 57 RBIs) often had trouble setting the table for the batters that followed him. He put up great numbers in Montreal and will hopefully adjust to RFK's large dimensions next season. He struckout 147 times, one fewer than Preston Wilson (.260 25 90), who was acquired from Colorado in July. That Nats need to put the ball in play much more often to be successful. Christian Guzman (.217 4 31) was another offensive disappointment. He had trouble switching leagues, but his glove was the backstop for a good defensive team. Brian Schneider (.268 10 44) should win a Gold Glove for his work behind the plate. Vinny Catilla (.253 12 66) played well at third, though made a few errors, but his bat was asleep the entire year.

Injuries destroyed the Nats' chances at the postseason. Nick Johnson (.289 15 74) was carrying the team before a heel injury sidelined him. When he came back, he wasn't the same player. Jose Vidro (.275 7 32) used to be one of the game's great hitters, but injuries have hampered his ability.

Jose Guillen (.283 24 76) was the team's heart and soul this season. He plays an awkward whirling right field, but once he gets to the ball, he's got a bazooka for an arm. Towards the end of the season, he couldn't muster the clutch hits that he garnered during the first half. Along with Guillen, Ryan Zimmerman (.397 in 58 at bats) may be a star for years to come. He was drafted in June and rose to the big leagues by September. Ryan Church (.287 9 42) was on his way to a possible Rookie of the Year award before succumbing to injury. The bench played hard too. Jamey Carroll and Marlon Byrd gave the club everything they had.

Washington D.C. has a team. And we have players to root for and players to jeer. It really was a great year. I can't wait for the next one!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Eagles Conspiracy

My theory is that the rift between Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donavan McNabb and Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens was simply a ploy created by the two in order to fool the media and the public.

They were such great friends throughout last year. Why would Owens all of the sudden bad-mouth his friend, teammate, and meal-ticket? Then I was reminded of McNabb and Owens' mock argument on the sidelines of a Monday Night game last season. There it is! This was all a gag to get people talking about the two. Owens didn't care if he was portrayed as the bad guy. He knows that media opinions are fleeting. One minute, you're a schmuck, then they love you after Randy Moss PRETENDS to moon the Green Bay crowd, and then you're viewed as a schmuck again.

Furthermore, I contend that Owens' contract-demands were also fraudulent. Why would a man with such a big mouth give up so easily? He talked a good talk, but in the end he didn't hold out or anything. This is the same man who demanded a trade to Baltimore be voided so that he could play in Philadelphia. And he won! This holdout, again, gave the Eagles free publicity. Owens and the Eagles both sell more jerseys and everyone associated with this is happy.