On Monday, I was enjoying some off-brand mozzarellas sticks when near-disaster struck.
I bit into the first stick and, instead of ripping off the cheese, kept eating. Eventually, the cheese became caught in my throat. I started choking. I wondered if I was breathing anymore.
I was reluctant to try to get the cheese out because I didn't want to waste it. This stuff isn't free, you know. It's a tough economy. At some point, I realized that I wouldn't enjoy anymore mozzarella sticks if I didn't act fast. I started punching the spot where you're supposed to apply the Heimlich. It loosened the cheese in my throat a bit. Then, I stuck my hand down my throat and yanked at the cheese. The cheese snapped in half, but the yank made me throw up the rest of the cheese.
My life didn't flash before my eyes, but my death did. I could see it, buried in the Metro section of the Washington Post, "Man Chokes to Death on Mozzarella Stick." At first, the episode would have been tragic. But after a while, I'll admit, it'd be pretty funny.
I caught my breath and finished the rest of the mozzarella sticks. Through it all, I did have a life-changing revelation... smaller bites.