Monday, May 31, 2010

ELL, Season 7, Finals Game 2

Will Than Shwe take another evil title or will Hamid Karzai keep the series going? Let's find out, shall we? The Evil Leaders League site is here.

Karzai vs Shwe
Hamid Karzai's desire for negotiations with the Taliban is like your friend who is hell-bent on calling his ex-girlfriend one more time because "Maybe this time she'll see that we were meant to be together." His buddies in the Afghan parliament can't convince him to forget about the Taliban and put the other pieces of his life back together. Plus, the Taliban will never respond with Karzai seeming so desperate. Maybe Karzai should get away and take some time just for himself.

Shwe's the Burmese ruler of Myanmar.
He's been in power for twenty years.
When Buddhist monks protested in 2007,
Each one was kicked in their rears.

Shwe let people die and lose their home after the 2008 cyclone
Until he's killed, his power will continue to build.
Coming are stolen elections and nuclear weapons.
Kyi is still under arrest and the opposition suppressed,
So, is Than Shwe the champion of the evilest?

Dedicated to Saw Wei.
winner: check out the ELL site
series: you know you want to

Sunday, May 30, 2010


America has a problem with obesity. We have too many people who are too fat. America also has a problem with an oil leak. The oil is gushing and we have no way to stop it. We should dump all of the fat people to plug the leak. That would be killing two birds with one stone!

Speaking of birds, some crazy lady just stopped her car in the middle of the road and then ran into traffic to save the lives of some birds. Now, that is heroic. Let's put her in charge of the EPA.

Saturday, May 29, 2010


While I was driving, I peered out of the window, "Wow! That woman is HOT!!"

A few moments later, "Wait, that's a trash can."

Friday, May 28, 2010

Jackie Mason on Traffic

Here now is a piece from guest commentator Jackie Mason.

Why do the gentiles drive so slow in the left lane? It's like they got no place to go. Anti-Semite bastards. What are they, schlepping an elephant in their cars? The Jews are a busy people. We need to get going, but the gentiles won't let us go. We had this problem in Egypt. That's what it was about. But finally Pharaoh let us go. The gentiles should do the same.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Race Relations

A while back I had a girlfriend who was black. We used to have very open discussions about race. Sometimes, we would be so honest that it would bring us to tears. That kind of communication was occasionally uncomfortable, but ultimately made us very close. She was very special. Sometimes, when I would walk out the door, on my way to my car, she would open the door and say "I love you" and sometimes she would just scream out:


and quickly shut the door again.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Bus Driver Pedophilia

A local bus driver was accused of taping himself and a seven-year old performing sex acts together. That is just awful, disgusting, and wrong. He was caught after leaving his camera's memory card on a 7-11 counter. Another customer picked it up, went home, and discovered the crime.

I don't know what to be more upset about, the pedophilia or the realization that the bus driver is more technologically savvy than I am. I had no idea cameras had memory cards and, if you told me they did, I would have zero chance of locating it.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Present and Past in Madagascar

To understand the recent political crisis in Madagascar, it is important to look back through its history. In March of 2009, President Marc Ravalomanana resigned after months of protest of his rule. Ravalomanana had been democratically elected in 2002 and reelected in 2006. The mayor of the capital, Antananarivo, was Andry Rajoelina, a 3o-something former entertainer, who instigated the protests. Rajoelina was granted power after Ravalomanana's resignation.

Madagascar gained independence in 1960. But it remained a neo-colony of France under President Philibert Tsiranana. France made the major decisions and even a number of French officials remained in positions of power. Perhaps this contributes to the questionable belief among some Malagasy that Rajoelina is a puppet of the French, who are hoping to reassert its authority.

A combination of student protests and Tsiranana's declining health uprooted his administration. General Gabriel Ramanantsoa then assumed authority. Ramanantsoa's rule signaled Madagascar's real independence. His cabinet contained three future presidents. He resigned in 1975 as he never held an true political ambition. In his place was Richard Ratsimandrava, who was quickly assassinated.

Ratsimandrava's rival, Didier Ratsiraka, soon became president. Ratsiraka was rumored to have partaken in the conspiracy to kill Ratsimandrava. Rumors of conspiracy have remained a participant in Malagasy politics. Ratsiraka ruled for the next eighteen years. He sat on a declining economy during that period.

The 1990s saw agitation and violence which eventually led to contentious multi-party democratic elections. Albert Zafy became president in 1993, but was ineffective in changing the course of the fledgling economy. As a result, Ratiraka won the next election in 1997.

It was Ravalomanana who won the next election, which was also contentious and violent. Ravalomanana, a successful businessman, managed to decrease poverty and encourage foreign investment. But his business cronies also gained much of the land. In late 2009, Rajoelina tapped into the belief that not enough had been done to improve the condition of the poor.

Rajoelina has set out a timetable for elections to restore democracy to conclude this fall. But he has backed out on proposed elections during his year in power already. He currently controls precious little of the island nation. It should be noted that no one ever controlled the entire island until the French consolidated their power during the early part of the twentieth century. As for now, smugglers reign as the state has little authority to stop them. (The HQT- IE)

Monday, May 24, 2010

ELL, Season 7, Finals Game 1

The Evil Leaders League Finals is so great because it features the best aspects of life: competition, evil guys, and dick jokes. As always, the ELL Finals is a best out of three affair (first competitor to reach two victories grabs the title) with each contest coming only a week after the previous one. Than Shwe, the Burmese python of Myanmar, is hoping to win his second ELL championship. He hopes to win his titles back-to-back, which coincidentally is the position Buddhist monks in his country are put in before they're shot. Hamid Karzai, the hat of Afghanistan is hoping to pull a Magic Johnson and win a title in his first year in the league.

Shwe vs. Karzai
Shwe, whose face looks like it's trying to eat itself, has been having a great year. He's in the process of consolidating his power and working to create legitimacy for his regime by holding elections and civilianizing his government. His political opponents have been jailed and he's still on his secret quest to obtain nuclear weapons. He even managed to marry away his ugly daughter. In a period of four months, Than Shwe has managed to conclusively contradict the concept of karma. Next he's going after the notion of humanity.

Karzai and U.S. President Barack Obama attempted to make up last week after a long spat. Obama gave Karzai a vote of confidence; Karzai said he won't join the Taliban after all. And yet, nothing really changed, the abusive relationship continues. It's very much like Bobby and Whitney. Karzai is going to continue to be corrupt and there's really nothing Obama can do about it. If only they realized this destructive cycle and decided to see other people!

To view the winner, you'll have to go to the only Evil Leaders League site in the English language. Why? Because I'm a dick, who gets off on people visiting the ELL site, that's why.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Judge and Jester

I went to court to challenge a speeding ticket. The judge called my name, or some distant facsimile. I was dressed in a button-down shirt and slacks. I couldn't find my dress shoes, so I had to where my sneakers.

As I walked to the stand, the judge exclaimed, "Ah, the man with the white shoes!" The entire courtroom bellowed in laughter. I gave a sheepish grin. In reading my charge (78 in a 55), the judge stopped and asked me what kind of car I drove.

"A Honda Accord, your honor."
"I didn't realize they could go that fast," he quipped.
"Me neither!" I retorted. The judge realized he had walked right into that one.

But besides making fun of my shoes and my car, the judge also substantially raised my fine, which pissed me off. At least the conviction was lowered to going 64 in a 55, although that doesn't make sense. If you kill 18 people do they lower the conviction to 14 but give you more time in prison?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Mackey Sasser Disease With Women

I have Mackey Sasser Disease with women. I have a mental block when it comes to throwing the ball back to the pitcher. I can throw a rope down to second and I can make any other throw imaginable. But if you can't even throw it back to the pitcher, you don't have a lot of opportunities to throw the ball elsewhere.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Miss Muslim USA

Rima Fakih, a Lebanese-American and a Muslim, became Miss USA this week. Neo-con Daniel Pipes believes that Muslims are benefitting from affirmative action in beauty pageants, a comment spurred on by Fakih's win.

I'd just like to tell Rima Fakih that Daniel Pipes does not represent the views and opinions of myself or the vast majority of Jews. Forgive him. You see, when Daniel was young, his parents invited a Muslim couple over for Passover seder. The couple's little boy happened to find the Afikomen and thus received the dollar that poor Daniel so desperately desired. It was at that point that Daniel Pipes decided to dedicate his life to any and all things anti-Islam.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Charles Oakley List

This is a top 10 list of the best Charles Oakley-like players. It consists of hustle guys, defenders , and glue guys.

# David - Mike
1. Battier - Varejao
2. Noah - Barnes
3. Varejao - Noah
4. Gr. Hill - Millsap
5. Perkins - Kirilenko
6. Barnes - Fisher
7. C. Hayes - Gr. Hill
8. Andersen - Andersen
9. Kirilenko - Nene
10. Fisher - Amundson

Honorable mentions:
David - Dudley, Afflalo, K. Thomas, Sefolosha.
Mike - Battier, T. Gibson, Jeffries, Maxiell.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Long Layoff

If both NBA conference finals end in sweeps, there will be a week and half with no basketball. Even with the inexplicable two days free of basketball coming later this week, the final conference finals game would take place May 25; the NBA Finals don't start until June 3.

Even if a series goes five games, there will be a week off between the end of the league's semifinals and the championship series. This is really a failure on the part of the NBA. Come on guys, keep things going.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Orlando is the Worst Team Ever

Orlando is now 0-1 in this latest series with the Boston Celtics. That qualifies them as the worst team in the history of the NBA. The Nets had a winning percentage of .146 this season. The Philadelphia 76ers of 1972-73 featured a winning percentage of .110. Both are better than the Magic's .000 in this series.

Dwight Howard was ineffective offensively. He shot poorly. He played like a player who was ineffective offensively and shot poorly. If John Wilkes Booth and Dwight Howard switched places, Abraham Lincoln might still be alive today.

The Magic's style of play is terrible and their coach sucks. They'll never win another game again playing this way. They need to switch things up and fire the coach.

But let's not take any credit away from the Boston Celtics, the greatest team in the history of sports. Not only do they have a 4 game winning streak, the longest such streak ever attained in the NBA, but they are filled with a team of twelve future Hall of Famers. And while we're on the subject, why isn't their coach in the Hall of Fame yet? They should have a special ceremony just for him after that game. Rondo plays like Jesus, only better.

And the Celtics won on the road. Incredible! The team that wins Game 1 goes on to win the series about 3/4th of the time. Of course, that statistic doesn't matter in this series. What does matter is that the Celtics are a franchise that knows winning. Just ask Bill Russell and Sam Jones, because their play does have an impact on this series.

So, to reiterate, I'm crowning the Celtics as NBA Champions for 2010 and the Magic should just quit now.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Basketball is a Game of Matchups

Before we crown the Orlando Magic as Eastern Conference champions again, let's remember that the Celtics took them to seven games last playoffs WITHOUT Kevin Garnett.

There has been a lot of talk about LeBron since the Cavs lost last Thursday. Where's he going? Why'd they lose? Answering the second question first, the Cavs have run into two bad matchups the last two postseasons. Against Orlando, they had no one to contend with Howard, the Cavs featured big slow 4s who couldn't guard Rashard Lewis, and Turkoglu ate them up. Between Shaq, Jamison, and Turkoglu going to Toronto, all three issues were taken care of. Unfortunately for the Cavs, they ran into Boston first. Jamison couldn't guard Garnett and the Cavs decided not to guard Rondo, resulting in another series lost.

Now, the assumption is that LeBron will leave Cleveland. As a Knicks fan, I hope he goes to New York. As a basketball fan, I hope stays home. With LeBron, the Cavs will win. It's simply a matter of when. They are willing to tweak their roster when things go wrong; they've just been unlucky the last two seasons. There's still time. After all, he's 25 years old.

Respected columnist, Michael Wilbon, reports that LeBron doesn't have the will to win as some of the game's greats. He also asserts that LeBron is spoiled and coddled, exemplified by his refusal to shake hands with the Magic after last season's loss. It seems to me, that bit of unsportsmanlike conduct is more an indication of his desire to win than anything else.

In sports, as in politics, there is a habit of drawing exaggerated conclusions based on one's last performance. Just because LeBron didn't win a championship this season doesn't mean he doesn't want to win one. It also doesn't mean he necessarily needs to leave Cleveland. If he stays, the team is a title contender again next season. And they may have the benefit of being a slight underdog too. But, he's welcome in New York should he so choose.

Saturday, May 15, 2010


I decided to walk to from my house to DC, which is about 15 miles. I just wanted to cross the border to say that I've done it. Apparently, I stopped one block short.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Jewish Supreme Court Ladies

It is well known that I have been an avid court watcher since 1952. It was then that I first began to dream of a Supreme Court filled with Jewish women. If Elena Kagan is confirmed, she will be the third Jew and the second Jewish lady currently sitting on the Court. That would make me 22% on the way to my goal. But we need to hurry; Ruth Bader Ginsburg is getting old.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Dating the NBA

The NBA is like a bad boyfriend. You've been having a great time with the NBA for a while and then all of the sudden, you don't hear from it for like a week.

The Suns will face the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals. We've known this officially since Monday. Yet, for some absurd reason, they won't actually play against each other until next Monday. The NBA has just killed the momentum the playoffs have generated thus far.

I can see that you don't want one conference to have too big of a jump on the other, but the East could be wrapped up today. Why aren't the Suns and Lakers playing on the weekend then? And there will be this gigantic layoff after the Conference Finals are done too.

To the NBA, please, just give us a call.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Bombay Streets

In 1955, speaking about the atonishing number of homeless, Hallam Tennyson wrote, "Bombay lives on its streets."

It's 2010 and only one aspect of the quote has changed- the name of the city.

Monday, May 10, 2010

ELL, Season 7, Semis 2nd Leg

It sucks when you don't here from a friend for a while. Especially when that friend is from one of Evil Leaders' countries. Let's get to the final leg of the semifinals. The Evil Leaders League site is up and running.

Kim vs Karzai
North Korea's Kim Jong-Il reminds me a lot of myself. Not because he's short. Nor because he has a heart of darkness. But because he's been playing the same song since 2002. We get it. Threaten everyone with nuclear weapons. Receive aid to disarm. Fail to disarm. Rinse. Repeat. The North Korean military thinks it's played out and could be looking to switch to a new artist already.

Hamid Karzai, the leader of Afghanistan- well, Kabul anyway- is coming to Washington. Presumably to officially meet with President Obama and not in order to make a bungled attempt to blow up the city as a member of the Taliban. One can only hope.
winner 2nd leg: Check the ELL site
winner overall: Check the ELL site

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Some men have an ability to justify even the most heinous actions. To claim that they possess calluses on their soul is to acknowledge its presence, a dubious assumption. One man fitting the above description has seen his name by the title Head of State in Sudan for twenty long years. That man is Omar al-Bashir. Despite his role in a vicious civil war, by civil war standards, and a horrific genocide, by genocide standards, the Obama administration has decided to live and let live. Unless, of course, you live in Darfur.

Another character whose name is interchangeable with the introduction to this piece is Myanmar's Than Shwe of Burma. The list of his human rights violations wanders the length of the Irrawaddy River. And that's only if you're using a small font. But it is inspiring that Than Shwe is so active at such an advanced age. He's just like Betty White. Except slightly more evil.
winner 2ng leg: Check the ELL site
winner overall: Check the ELL site

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Make it Straight

This post will not be reminiscent of one of Robert Mugabe's anti-gay diatribes. No, your Dear and Fearless Leader doesn't care about your sexual preference. I care about your wardrobe. After all, anything to do with war is the department of the government.

Today's decrees
All baseball caps must be worn with the brim facing forward and straight. I'm sick of telling young punks that their hats are on crooked. That shouldn't be my job. I've got enough to do. So, if either I or my vast network of intelligence officers, squealers, and whistleblowers catches you, we'll make something else crooked along with your hat.

You know those big sunglasses some women wear? Those are now banned. Our lives are miserable enough without you covering up your cute face. Seeing your face is the one thing that brightens up our dreary lives, don't take that away from us. For the sake of our fantastic and glorious nation, but the oversized sunglasses away... or face the consequences.

You have permission to tackle anyone you see listening to music while going for a run.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Justice for Sholom Rubashkin

Sholom Rubashkin is a Jew and used to run Agriprocessors Inc., a kosher slaughterhouse located in Iowa. He was convicted of using child labor and undocumented Guatemalan workers and could be sentenced for up to 25 years and probably not less than 6. Many Jews are upset because they see Rubashkin receiving such a stiff penalty while convicted gentile CEOs get slaps on the wrist. But what do you expect, it's Iowa.

In my view, Rubashkin shouldn't get a long sentence. In fact, I'm not even sure he committed a crime here. It's simply a cultural misunderstanding. In the Jewish tradition, you become a man at 13-years old. So the "child labor" Rubashkin was seemingly employing, was -to a Jew actually adult labor.

Of course he hired undocumented workers. They're much cheaper! Jews like a good deal; it's a cultural thing. And, I wouldn't expect gentiles to know this, but Guatemalans slaughter the best kosher food. It's one of those things that's odd but true.

So really, if you think about it, Sholom Rubashkin did nothing wrong. Now, you might be a smart ass and ask me if I'm only defending Sholom Rubashkin because he's a Jew.


Thursday, May 06, 2010

Burton Kirkwood's Mistakes

I just finished Burton Kirkwood's The History of Mexico (2nd Edition). There are a few bad mistakes.

First of all, on page 6, he asserts that 92.7% of Mexicans speak only Spanish. 5.7% speak both Spanish and one of the indigenous dialects, and 8% speak only an indigenous dialect. Now, I'm no math whiz, but those three exclusive figures add up to over 100%. And it can't be a typo because there's no way any of those figures are only one digit off.

Second, on page 11, Kirkwood states, "In return Mexico has contributed to sports in the United States, with football- or soccer, as it is known in the United States- and basketball becoming some of the fastest-growing team sports." I had no idea that the popularity of basketball in Mexico was the reason it's so popular now in the U.S. Thanks, Mexico!

The first edition was published in 2000 and the second edition was published this year. In what was the final chapter of the first edition, Kirkwood consistently uses a verb tense as if Zedillo and the PRI were still in power until the final paragraph. Lazy.

And finally, if you read pages 209 and 213, you'll find something interesting. Both contain the exact same paragraph, beginning with, "The issue of what to do with undocumented Mexican immigrants..." On page 209, this passage is stuck after one sentence, whereas it stands alone on page 213.

Everyone makes mistakes, but hopefully you avoid them in your published book. Especially when it's your second edition. Ultimately, the blame lies with the author, but his editors clearly failed him. The series editors are listed as Frank W. Thackeray and John E. Findling. They deserve a dubious shout-out.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

The Suns Protesting Arizona's New Law

To protest the new anti-immigration law in Arizona, the Phoenix Suns will once again wear their 'Los Suns' jerseys. It's a commendable stand, but it reminds me of a conversation I was privy to about a month ago.

Here is that conversation on the NBA's Latino Heritage Month.

Have you read it? Good. Here now is the conversation that brought on the decision to wear their 'Los Suns' jerseys for tonight's game.

"Did you hear about that new anti-immigration law they passed here?"
"Yeah, it's terrible."
"I know, right? We've gotta do something to protest."
"What about wearing our 'Los Suns' jerseys?"
"That's a great idea! But should we actually try to find out the Spanish translation for 'sun' this time?"
"Let's not go nuts."

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Creepy-Looking Guy Section of the Metro

I was sitting on the metro one day when I came to the realization that, for some reason, I always sit in the creepy-looking guy section of the metro. After some research, I determined that, in actuality, wherever I sit quickly turns into the creepy-looking guy section of the metro. That's how creepy-looking I am; non-creepy-looking people start fleeing from my area once I sit down. Rarely does anyone ever sit next to me, whether they're a creepy-looking guy or not. In fact, I noticed people would rather sit next a black guy than with me. Can you believe that? I'm such a creepy-looking guy that it's eradicating racism.

Monday, May 03, 2010

The Oil Spill

There were two different oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico recently. Now, I've always been against offshore drilling. We need to get off of our dependence on oil and find an alternative energy source. Ruining America's environment through offshore drilling isn't the way to go.

But since the oil spill, I've changed my mind. I now favor offshore drilling. The more the better. I don't really have a good reason why. I just like being different.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

All Alone

There's an epidemic surfacing of NBA stars deriding their teammates past and present. In recent weeks, Kobe Bryant, Carmelo Anthony, and Dwyane Wade have all fallen victim.

A reporter asked Kobe Bryant if his ability to decide when to pass and when to shoot is a result of his growing maturity. Kobe answered that he had two seven footers to pass to now. During the era when the Lakers were mediocre, he claimed didn't have any teammates good enough to pass to (Lamar Odom?). There's no doubt that the Lakers' supporting cast is far better than it was from fall 2004-early 2008. But Kobe wasn't able to make his teammates better during that period. I don't believe his comment is so egregious, however, simply because it's Kobe's competitive fire coming out. He doesn't want to admit that it took him time to figure out exactly when to score and when to defer. He's done that now.

Carmelo Anthony, after a loss, exclaimed that he needed some help, he couldn't win alone. It was a ridiculous remark. For starters, Chauncey Billups is the leader of the Nuggets. Anthony is merely the leading scorer and highest profile player. In Game 4, Carmelo scored 39 points on 13-26 shooting. That game induced his "need some help" comment. It's true that he didn't get much scoring help that particular game. But he also turned the ball over an astounding 9 times! Maybe Carmelo thought he was still in high school. Nine turnovers easily ruins his good shooting night. Besides, he has a number of good teammates. Perhaps, he just wanted to fit in with Kobe. Incidentally, Carmelo struggled in the next two games.

Dwyane Wade stated that a great player can win one game, but not a series. He asserted that's just what he did in Game 4 against the Celtics. Wade was on fire. He seemingly couldn't miss in the fourth quarter of that game. But the claim that he won that game on his own was incredibly insulting to the four reserves that left their hearts out on that floor. Dorell Wright, Joel Anthony, Udonis Haslem, and Maurice Chalmers aren't the most talented, but their hustle enabled Wade to go off. How about giving them some credit? Without their scrappy play, Miami loses. It was simply a classless comment.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Tim James's New Ad

Alabama gubernatorial candidate, Tim James (again, not the former U. of Miami basketball star who played in Turkey, Japan, and Israel after three NBA seasons and has since joined the army), has announced another controversial proposal. You may recall that he recently demanded that Alabamians learn English if they wanted to live in the state, as if people needed another disincentive to live in Alabama.

James has taken things one step further. In a new ad, James tells his fellow Alabamians that, if elected governor, people will be whipped based on their expertise of a foreign language. "For every non-English word you know, you get one lash," James informs the viewing public.

The ACLU is up in arms over James's latest eccentric proposal. They argue that English shares many words with other languages and James has put forth no clear policy towards whether a person would be lashed for knowing one of these bilingual words. These words straddle the line because they are both English and foreign at the same time. For example, taco.

When asked to comment on the ACLU's criticism of his proposal, Tim James seemed confused by the idea that a word could take part in more than one language. At one point, it seemed James lacked the basic mental abilities to comprehend the notion of language in and of itself as he began alternately barking and meowing incessantly during the interview for no discernable reason.