Saturday, May 08, 2010

Make it Straight

This post will not be reminiscent of one of Robert Mugabe's anti-gay diatribes. No, your Dear and Fearless Leader doesn't care about your sexual preference. I care about your wardrobe. After all, anything to do with war is the department of the government.

Today's decrees
All baseball caps must be worn with the brim facing forward and straight. I'm sick of telling young punks that their hats are on crooked. That shouldn't be my job. I've got enough to do. So, if either I or my vast network of intelligence officers, squealers, and whistleblowers catches you, we'll make something else crooked along with your hat.

You know those big sunglasses some women wear? Those are now banned. Our lives are miserable enough without you covering up your cute face. Seeing your face is the one thing that brightens up our dreary lives, don't take that away from us. For the sake of our fantastic and glorious nation, but the oversized sunglasses away... or face the consequences.

You have permission to tackle anyone you see listening to music while going for a run.

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