Monday, July 31, 2006

Soriano Stays!

Alfonso Soriano will remain on the Washington Nats for the remainder of this season. I must say that, though this satisfaction may only be short-lived, I am ecstatic!

Soriano is simply a joy to watch play baseball. He got off to a bad start in Washington, seemingly putting himself in front of the team. But since that initial hiccup, he has been nothing short of the team's best and most likable player. He's toned down his previous free-swinging ways, which makes him truly dynamic at the plate. But even his adventurous play in left field is exciting.

At the risk of exaggerating his current prowess, he's such a joy to watch because he mixes the determination of Frank Robinson (to a lesser degree), the cool of DiMaggio, and the flare of Clemente. He's not yet one of the game's greats because he hasn't put on team on his back and lead them to and through the playoffs, but has the numbers now and is still young.

Now, the Nats need to turn their attention towards re-signing him. We have a legitimate owner now. I say give him as much money as he reasonably wants, tell him to play left field if Vidro's going to stay or if we have a viable replacement (not Lopez at 2nd and Guzman at short, I said viable!). Otherwise, let him play 2nd. Tell him we've got Z, Nickie, Kearns, Lopez, and we'll get another bat (preferably a leadoff hitter) and we'll fix the starting pitching situation over the next couple of years. We want So So to be the cornerstone of a winning franchise in Washington. Bottom line Lerners, re-sign Soriano!!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Nostradamus Really is a Prophet!

Quatrain 9-76 reads:

Two days after a man witnesses a contest, he- who is the size of a jackal with hirsute limbs almost as ubiquitous as comedian Robin Williams- will eat the meat of vermin and become a little gassy.

Absolutely amazing! I went to the Nats game on Wednesday, had the Taco Bell on Friday, and believe you me, I was certainly a little gassy after that. This guy is good!

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Sherkhan's Visit to Israel

Editor's note: These are two different emails from Sherkhan combined into one post. I asked him if I could post his account, but take out any harsh language and just give his experience. He asked that I leave everything in, but to explain that he does not mean to offend anyone.

I just came back from Jerusalem... oh man it was awesome. What a wonderful city!

It took 10 hours (literally) for me to get across the border-- the fucking Israeli security were anxious about me being Muslim and why I traveled to Pakistan ect.-- My mom and brother had to wait the whole time why they questioned me. Seriously, Israel is a racist apartheid state like no other. The security were polite, but that doesn't help the fact that you are treated like a prisoner the whole time-- and this is once you've passed the border and walking around the country.

Driving through the West Bank was something else. I saw Jericho--- a prison camp in the desert ringed by the Israeli military. This region is so fucked up. At least the good thing about the surrounding wars was that all the holy places were tourist free.

The Dome of the Rock and the Al Aksa Mosques were bad ass. The Western Wall was really cool too, I got to go up and touch it. I prayed right next to a 3500 year old column from Solomon's temple. You definitely gotta go there sometime and see it for yourself.

I felt legitimately discriminated against because I was Muslim. A person with the same American passport as me was let through because they were Jewish and I was held back and questioned because I am Muslim. And I'm not even Palestinian. Those guys actually have to live in the shit prison camps and don't have any rights while I opine about how rough my 2 day stay was... it just makes me sad.

Friday, July 28, 2006

An Open Love Letter To Kerri Strug

Dear Ms. Kerri Strug,

Please excuse the forwardness of my letter, but I feel compelled to express my thoughts with you. You are an inspiration, a short Jewish woman taking on the world and making it better. You have used your magnificent mind and beautiful body to accomplish wonderful things.

After first seeing you, I knew I needed to know more. I want to learn what it was like growing up in a place without many Jews (Tuscon doesn't have a lotta Jews, does it?). It must have been hard living away from your parents at such an early age. But you have persevered, and continue to do so, to become the successful woman you are now.

Please allow me to explain my intentions. You may have a man, but in the words of the immortal poet Positive K, "What's your man got to do with me?" You and I have a lot in common. I'm a short Jew too. I've taught the youth. I run marathons. I'm cute. And who knows, perhaps these external commonalities might very well translate into a profound connection between the two of us, a blissful conjoining of two souls that may last for eternity.

Plus, I bet no man ever chose you as his 16th round pick in a Jew Draft before. Wanna go get a cup of coffee?

With loving admiration,
Your Not So Secret Admirer

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Asa's Draft Reactions

Asa's Team
Albert Einstein
Hannah Arendt
Jon Stewart
Golda Meir
Franz Kafka
Noam Chomsky
Mel Brooks
Ayn Rand
Edmund Landau
Bob Dylan
Benoit Mandelbrot
Frank Gehry
Steven Spielberg
Arthur Miller
Jerry Seinfeld
Saul Bellow
Ariel Sharon
Carl Sagan
Stanley Kubrik
Art Spiegelman

about my team:
My picks, it has been stated, contain a lot of self-critical Jews. It is a fair criticism, but one that I don't feel really hinders the team in any way. I feel like I picked Jews who I liked more than their individual impact on Jewish culture or life, but since the criteria to pick Jews was vague, that was the best thing I could come up with. I also think that it is somewhat obvious that I did my research in about 25 minutes, basically looking over Wikipedia's list of famous Jews and picking out people I knew about.

My first couple of picks were pretty easy. Albert Einstein is arguably the smartest scientist of the 20th century, with huge influence in all of science. He also was a pacifist (for nuclear disarmament) and considered himself a humanitarian. All-around good guy. Plus, I liked this quote from him: "Do not think that it is necessarily the case that science and religion are natural opposites. In fact, I think that there is a very close connection between the two. Further, I think that science without religion is lame and, conversely, that religion without science is blind. Both are important and should work hand-in-hand." True.

Hannah Arendt was a philosopher during the 20th century who wrote about the power of evil (during the Eichmann trial) and the nature of power. She also helped Jewish refugees and was an overall swell individual. She also boinked Heidegger, which is pretty freaking hot (and could be construed as entirely self-loathing), and she could also play 6 Degrees from Friedrich Nietzsche and be about 8 degrees away (that's about 7 degrees closer than that horse). Oh, Nietzsche humor always makes me laugh.

Anyway, my third pick was Jon Stewart. Maybe he was picked a tad too high, but he probably was the most personal pick for me during the draft. His instinctual knack for comedy (which David wishes he had, but is sorely lacking) provides a much needed kick in the ass for the media, politicians, idiots, weathermen, Roger Ebert, and... um... politicians. His willingness to satirize pretty much anyone and anything provides a relief from all of the ass-kissing that normally occurs in the media. And he points out the absurdities of those in power no matter if he agrees with them or not. He's also really funny. And a Jew.

After the big three, things start to get shakey. I wasn't really sure how to rank the rest of these people, so my explanations are going to be pretty arbitrary. Gold Meir was very influential in the creation of the state of Israel, served in the Knesset, and served as Prime Minister. She probably shouldn't have ranked so high based on issues with the Yom Kippur war.

Franz Kafka was a novelist who wrote depressing and highly absurd novels about the human condition. Just don't read them while drunk or high. Trust me, it's a bad idea.

Noam Chomsky is a preeminent linguist, philosopher and political activist. He describes himself as a libertarian socialist, and that means exactly what it sounds like. If you are liberal, you probably agree with at least 78% of his writing (unless you you don't like Chomsky; then your percentage is around 32%). The view that he is anti-Semite seems to be blown out of proportion to me, but it might be a valid criticism. I think Chomsky sees the grey area between the polar ends of some arguments, which infuriates some people, but it makes me appreciate him more. If we did the draft again, I would probably pick him a little higher.

It seems like I would throw in a light-hearted pick once in awhile to keep my team's morale up and keep them from killing themselves. Mel Brooks is that man. He is fucking funny. Mel (I call him by his first name, because we're tight like that) made some crappy-ass movies and even those are hilarious. This is my 2nd or, maybe, 3rd pick that I thought David was going to get before me (Einstein and Stewart being the other two), so that also made me feel fuzzy inside.

Ayn Rand is best described by copping a quote from Wikipedia: "She believed that people must choose their values and actions by reason; that the individual has a right to exist for his or her own sake, neither sacrificing self to others nor others to self; and that no one has the right to take what belongs to others by physical force or fraud, or impose their moral code on others by physical force." My only issue with her, and it's not really an issue, is her complex view of sexuality. Some feminists view her as "a traitor", while others see her as a champion. I think that's part of her charm. Like some others on the list, her ability to create polarizing opinions from the same group of people makes her interesting. She also really liked sex, so that's, you know, hot.

Edmund Landau was way overrated. Well, at least for this draft with these people. He would have never been picked without me. He owes me. Um, basically, he was a mathematician who wrote a lot about number theory. He was also forced out of teaching by the Nazi's, which gives him extra points in my book (a book that the Nazi's probably would have burned).

Bob Dylan gets a few points off for changing his inherently more Jewey name of Robert Zimmerman. At least he changed it in a reference to someone cool and not to, let's say, Alger Hiss. Dylan was the grating, incessantly nasal voice which scraped across the ear canals of the nation. His imagery-filled lyrics were about 3 steps ahead of his peers and his jump from acoustic to electric guitar showed a willingness to try different approaches to make music instead of continuing on the well-worn path he had been on. Oh, and those Christian gospel records in the 80's which no one bought; those could be construed as attempting something wholly unique from his present course. His voice provided a catalyst for social and political change during a volatile period of our nation's history and he also influenced just about every band, singer-songwriter, crappy beat poet, and wannabe hippie/yuppie out there. That has to count for something. He was probably a steal as late as I got him.

Benoit Mendelbrot was another mathematician, and he worked on fractals a lot. And he's Jewish!

Frank Gehry is arguable the greatest living modern architect who creates huge structures that look like big clumps of malleable clay. He is influential for modern architects, although it does seem like he builds the same building over and over. Anyway, it seems good to have an architect on the team to build the stadium for the Jew-off's.

Steven Spielberg is Jewish. With a name like "Spielberg", I wasn't sure if you could tell. He has made a bunch of relatively crappy movies with extreme commercial appeal, with the exception of Schindler's List and, possibly, Munich (I haven't seen it, yet; I'm a bad Jew). However, the strength of this pick is based purely on Schindler's List. The one and only movie I have seen in the theater where no one talked the entire time, no cell phone went off (granted, cell phones weighed 10 pounds and were the size of the yellow pages at the time), and after the movie everyone walked out of the theater speechless. Plus, he donated all of the profits to charity, so you can't even call him a greedy Jew.

My next pick was Arthur Miller (here I start with the self-loathing Jews again) because of his influence in theater. Death of a Salesman? Probably the most widely-read play in high school and it's fucking good, too. No bullshit. Plus, he married Marilyn Monroe. You know what they say about Jewish guys. I don't remember, either, but it's probably something about penises.

Jerry Seinfeld was almost definitely picked too high. And his nebbishy character (not just on the show, but in real life as well) reflects poorly on the four manly Jews in America. But, he basically created a sitcom about 4 (4? was Kramer Jewish?), well maybe 3, Jew Yorkers who 1) have a passion for eating and having sex at the same time, 2) like to date homeless men pretending said homeless men are superheros, and 3) date an extremely high number of women based on the above-mentioned nebbishiness. Pretty impressive. Plus, he took Godwin's Law and applied it to an overzealous soup maker. Genius.

Saul Bellow wrote a bunch of books that I never read, but I have heard of them. I picked him solely on the strength of this quote: "California is like an artificial limb the rest of the country doesn't really need. You can quote me on that." That's awesome. Nothing better than a curmudgeony old Jewish man. Oh, and I probably picked Bellow because I was desperate for a pick and was running out of time and/or Jews.

Ariel Sharon was the Prime Minister of Israel from 2001 to 2006. As are all PM's for Israel, he is put into a tight position between keeping Israel safe and instigating his Arab neighbors. He was picked this low because of my uncertainty about his willingness to pursue a joint peace plan for the benefit of Israel (and, by extension, the rest of the Middle East).

Carl Sagan was an astronomer and "science popularizer" (Wikipedia's words, not mine). He pursued the ideas of rationalism and scientific pursuit. He also thought that ET was going to phone home (or I suppose, ET was going to phone Earth), which is pretty groovy.

Stanley Kubrick is my second filmmaker on the list, primarily because his movies are really good, and I have a soft spot for eccentrics and workaholics. I also personally like his movies more than Spielberg, however, Kubrick never made any Holocaust films so he lost a couple of points right there. He did, however, make some pretty obvious commentary on Jews in America in his film Eyes Wide Shut. The softcore porn scenes in the mansion are obviously a metaphor for Jews fucking the gentiles (hint: the Jews are wearing the masks and have the dicks, the gentiles are the women being screwed). Apparently Tom Cruise didn't read into the subtext when he signed on to the film.

And Art Spiegelman is a little neurotic and crazy (kind of Woody Allen-ish without the creepy incestuous marriage), who also happens to draw pretty well. Maus is probably my favorite cartoon about a mouse where a lot of the action occurs during the Holocaust.

That is all for my picks. On to talking about the other crappy picks people made.

Mike's picks, especially, were interesting (well, the first couple) because it seemed like he actually went to the trouble of doing research (what else is he going to do with his time, I guess?). I was pretty impressed with most of them, except for maybe Zsa Zsa Gabor, and maybe his over-reliance on Hungarians. No one likes Hungarian Jews, can you imagine how swarthy they would be? Eh.

David's picks were notoriously scattershot, picking people for vague reasons (Kerri Strug?) and based on his own personal biases (Russ Feingold?). How influential are they really? I had a couple of his picks, Elie Wiesel (what did he do? write a book? big deal...), but never got around to picking them. However, I know I got a few of his picks which rocks my boat.

Ian's picks were, maybe, the closest to mine. I definitely had Marx, Freud, Ginsberg, Salk, Spinoza, and Salinger on my list, but I wasn't sure when to pick any of them (Ian apparently did). It also seemed that he picked Jews based on who he liked. However, his upper-hand was that knew a lot of people who I have never heard of. So, screw you for taking a class on famous Jews... that is what I like to call cheating. Except Natalie Portman, did you see her in the Star Wars films? She should give back her Jew card for that acting, ugh.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Ian's Draft Reactions

Ian's Team
Baruch Spinoza
Martin Buber
Sigmund Freud
J. D. Salinger
Karl Marx
Louis Brandeis
Theodore Herzl
Simon Wiesenthal
Alfred Dreyfus
Phillip Roth
Jonas Salk
Yitzhak Rabin
Paul Wellstone
Allan Ginsburg
Moe Berg
Shimon Peres
Bernard Malamud
Andy Kaufman
Leo Frank
Natalie Portman

about my team:
My goal for this first annual Jewish draft was to acquire as many influential Jews as possible. Whether they knowingly and purposefully influenced their society or did just by happenstance. My first two picks, Baruch Spinoza and Martin Buber, I wanted because of their importance to not only the Jewish people, but to the world as a whole. For my third pick I was hoping for Bar Khokba (who led a revolution against the Romans in 123 CE) but unfortunately that dirty gentile, Mike, stole my pick, and thus I had to settle for Sigmund Freud--tapping into my desire for influential people. I picked Karl Marx, Louis Brandeis, and Theodore Herzl to keep with my plan of choosing people who have made a great impact all across the globe. I also chose some of my favorite authors, because I like writing and stuff, thus that is where Salinger, Roth, and on down the line to Ginsberg and Malamud came into the picture.

Sometimes people become influential just because of misfortunes that come upon them and two of my draftees fell into this category: Alfred Dreyfus and Leo Frank. They both were accused of crimes they did not commit and both were accused because they were Jews. I wanted Jews who represented something of what our people had to go through at that is why I chose them and Simon Wiesenthal a Holocaust survivor turned Nazi-hunter.

My other picks just dealt with rounding out my team such as my pick of Moe Berg because I wanted an athlete and Andy Kaufman because I wanted an entertainer and Natalie Portman because I hadn't yet picked a woman. And why not Jonas Salk he cured polio that's good, I think.

I'm upset with a few people I missed out on such as Moses Mendelson, an influential Jewish thinker of around the 17th century and Max Baer, the man that fought Max Schmelling and James Braddock. I would have maybe left Shimon Peres off my team, but he won a Nobel Peace Prize and I hear those things make you look good. I'm pretty happy with my other two politicians Yitzhak (my Hebrew name) Rabin and Paul Wellstone who both happened to die while still in office, that's always a plus, right? Maybe not. But anyway I'm quite happy with most of team I drafted and am sure to win whatever prize the person wins who has the best team.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Mike's Draft Reactions

Mike's Team
Israel Ben Eliezer
Simon Bar Khokba
Joseph Pulitzer
Moses Ben Nahman
Emile Durkheim
Trudy Weiss-Rosmarin
Harry Houdini
Lev Vygotsky
Annie Liebowitz
Larry David
Rachel Adler
George Gershwin
Nadine Gordimer
Paul Simon
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Dennis Gabor
Gene Simmons
George Soros

about my team:

being the only Gentile participating in the draft definitely affected my picks. i felt the need to start out with, for lack of a better word, Jewishly-important Jews early on, which i tried to do with 4 of my first 5 picks. i'm especially pleased with picking Simon Bar Kokhba, as that satisifed one of my main goals: to frustrate one of the other three drafters at least once by taking somebody that they really wanted and would have taken with their next pick. Ian, who wanted Bar Kokhba, later returned the favor by taking the most important Hungarian Jew in history, Theodor Herzl. personally important picks dominated the rest of my draft: Durkheim, Vygotsky and Gordimer were all among my favorites in school (for sociology, psychology, and literature respectively). Pulitzer, Houdini, and my last five picks are all, like my mother and her whole family, Hungarian. don't be fooled by the seemingly trivial Jewishness of some of these picks. for example, Gene Simmons, after his father abandoned him, came to America when he was 8 years old with his mother, the only member of her family to survive the Holocaust. and, yes, he breathes fire, spits blood, and wags an astoundingly long tongue. i like that my team has the highest number of both muscians and women.

picks on other teams i most wanted: Ian's: Herzl, Dave's: Wiesel, ASA's: Chomsky

Thursday, July 20, 2006

David's Draft Reactions

David's Team
Moses ben Maimon
Milton Berle
Sammy Davis Jr.
Hank Greenberg
Lionel Rothschild
Bella Abzug
Elie Wiesel
Regina Jonas
Russ Feingold
Marv Levy
Ruth Bader-Ginsburg
Sandy Koufax
David Ben-Gurion
Howard Cossell
Stephen Breyer
Kerri Strug
Abba Eban
Red Holtzman
Primo Levi
Sa'd al-Dawla

About my team:
Maimonides said that there are no bad things in life, just things that we don't understand. Because of that and much more, I picked him first. I believe that Milton Berle is the messiah, so I went with him next. Sammy Davis Jr. brings cool to my team. Also, Sammy is short, and should be pope.

I'm glad I got Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax. Greenberg was very proud to be Jewish, but not as religious, so that's why I picked him earlier. I got Marv Levy and Red Holtzman because they were the most successful coaches for my favorite teams.

Rothschild stood up for Jews, refusing to take the oath to Christianity required to be a member of the British parliament in the mid 19th century. Gotta like that. Abzug would've complimented Einstein well, leading my team's peace protests; unfortunately, Asa took Einstein. Instead, Bella, Rothschild, and Feingold can write some progressive legislation together. Feingold seems to be the one courageous member of the US senate nowadays.

Wiesel and Levi represent triumph in the face of horror; any good Jew team needs that. Regina Jonas was the first female rabbi; she lived in Berlin, Germany. Ruth Bader-Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer makeup half of the liberal judges on the current US Supreme Court. Justice Brandeis would've been nice to have, but Ian picked him early. Just in case my two judges don't get me out of trouble, I've got the loudmouth sports announcer and former lawyer Howard Cossell who can convince anyone of anything (except that the hair on his head was real).

Ben-Gurion and Abba Eban are a bit too violent for my liking, but they were liberal and ultimately wanted peace in Israel in return for land. Sa'd al-Dawla was the chief minister of the Mongol Empire, well a large portion of it anyway. He lived in Baghdad during the 13th century. Sa'd and Ben-Gurion can campaign for the leadership of the team (with the two coaches I suppose).

I've been challenged on Kerri Strug quite a bit. I thought she was overrated until I sprained my ankle. I learned that 3rd degree was the worst ankle sprain. She won the gold medal for the US despite the sprain! Plus, she said that her Jewishness was the inspiration for her fighting through the pain and completing the vault, though I may have dreamed that she said that. She's short too! In any event, I hope the pick gets me a date with her. She lives in DC!

Ian's Team
My brother had a good all around draft. His picks were either progressives or people who represent the perils of anti-Semitism.
Best 3:
Baruch Spinoza - This guy is the foundation for the beliefs of most non-Orthodox Jews.
Louis Brandeis - 1st Jewish Supreme Court judge, really understood what democracy is about.
Jonas Salk - Cured Polio and Ian got him in the 11th round.
Worst 3:
Leo Frank - He's only famous because he died at the hands of anti-Semites.
Alfred Dreyfus - Only famous due to victimization, but at least was in the French military in the 1800s, impressive.
Shimon Peres - Already got Rabin, was this necessary? No.
I wanted:
Baruch Spinoza, Louis Brandeis, Simon Wiesenthal, Yitzhak Rabin.

Asa's Team
Asa's real name is Adam. He picked a lot of Jews that either hate themselves or are critical of Jews. No matter how you define self-hating Jew, Asa picked them, although he didn't pick anyone of Bobby Fischer's ilk.
Best 3:
Albert Einstein - I really wanted him in the 2nd round. Genius, peace advocate, I like it.
Jon Stewart - Very smart and funny comedian. Good kind of Jewy.
Mel Brooks - When Asa isn't wallowing in his own self-pity, he has a good sense of humor.
Worst 3:
Frank Gehry - He had buildings built, so?
Ariel Sharon - Not sure why he was picked at all.
Stanley Kubrik - Asa's got Spielberg to make his movies, wasted pick.
I wanted:
Albert Einstein, Jon Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld (eh, maybe).

Mike's Team
Mike is a gentile. Perhaps he overcompensated because of this fact, by picking obscure Jews. He also had his share of Hungarian Jews, due to his ancestry. He picked a number of happen-to-bees. Important people, that happen to be Jewish. I think that was expected.
Best 3:
Simon Bar Khokba - Led a successful revolt against the mighty Roman Empire, pretty damn good.
George Gershwin - Influenced American music to a great degree.
Eliezer Ben-Yehuda - Reviving the Hebrew language, pro-Jew goodness.
Worst 3:
Zsa Zsa Gabor - Besides not really a Jew, this is the worst pick of the draft, she's done nothing.
Harry Houdini - Of all the Jewish entertainers, really, him?
Gene Simmons - Changed his name, bad start. Is an embarrassment, worse.
I wanted:
George Gershwin, Larry David (maybe, eh).

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The Jew Draft

The pool of possible draftees consisted of famous Jews who lived after the destruction of Solomon's temple in 3831 (70 CE). We didn't really have a goal and we currently still do not have a reason for the draft.

Round 1
1) Ian - Baruch Spinoza (philosopher) Challenged that the Torah was written by G-d. 17 century
2) Asa - Albert Einstein (scientist, philosopher, peace advocate) 20 cent.
3) David - Moses ben Maimon (doctor, philosopher) "Second Moses," examined holy books. 12c
4) Mike - Josephus (historian) Explained Judaism to the Greeks and Romans. 1c
Round 2
5) Asa - Hannah Arendt (author, political theorist) Wrote about totalitarianism and authority. 20c
6) David - Milton Berle (comedian, actor, messiah, advocate for transgendered people) "Mr. Television." 20c
7) Mike - Israel Ben Eliezer (rabbi, Baal Shem Tov) Founder of Hassidic Judaism. 18c
8) Ian - Martin Buber (philosopher) Creator of binational agreement, Palestine-Israel. 19-20c
Round 3
9) David - Sammy Davis Jr. (entertainer) Singer, comedian, all around awesome. 20c
10) Mike - Simon Bar Khokba (revolutionary) Led successful rebellion against Romans. 2c
11) Ian - Sigmund Freud (pyschiatrist) Founder of modern psychiatry. 19-20c
12) Asa - Jon Stewart (comedian) Host of the Daily Show. 20-21c
Round 4
13) Mike - Joseph Pulitzer (newspaper owner) Founded prestigious journalism award. 19-20c
14) Ian - J. D. Salinger (author) Wrote Catcher in the Rye. 20c
15) Asa - Golda Meir (Prime Minister of Israel) 1969-1974
16) David - Hank Greenberg (baseball player) Great hitter for the Detroit Tigers. 20c
Round 5
17) Mike - Moses Ben Nahman Gerondi (philosopher) Studied mysticism in holy book. 13c
18) David - Lionel Rothschild (British MP) Refused to take Christian oath required to be MP. 19c
19) Asa - Franz Kafka (author) Wrote Metamorphosis. 19-20c
20) Ian - Karl Marx (economic philosopher) Founded communism. 19c.
Round 6
21) David - Bella Abzug (congressperson) Feminist, anti-war activist. 20c
22) Asa - Noam Chomsky (author, professor) Linguist, political activist. 20-21c
23) Ian - Louis Brandeis (supreme court justice) 1st Jewish Supreme Court justice. 19-20c
24) Mike - Emile Durkheim (sociology) Founder of modern sociology. 19-20c
Round 7
25) Asa - Mel Brooks (director, actor) Funny guy. 20-21c
26) Ian - Theodore Herzl (author) Father of modern Zionism. 19c
27) Mike - Trudy Weiss-Rosmarin (author, scholar) Feminist activist. 20c
28) David - Elie Wiesel (author, professor) Holocaust survivor. 20c
Round 8
29) Ian - Simon Wiesenthal (author) Nazi hunter, Holocaust survivor. 20c
30) Mike - Harry Houdini (magician) 19-20c.
31) David - Regina Jonas (rabbi) 1st female rabbi 20c
32) Asa - Ayn Rand (philosopher) Rational self-interest. 20c
Round 9
33) Mike - Lev Vygotsky (educational theorist) Zone of Proximal Development. 20c
34) David - Russ Feingold (senator) From Wisconsin, voted against the Patriot Act. 20-21c
35) Asa - Edmund Landau (mathematician) Number theorem. 19-20c
36) Ian - Alfred Dreyfus (military) Wrongfully accused of treason against France. 19-20c
Round 10
37) David - Marv Levy (football coach) Led Buffalo Bills to 4 Super Bowls. 20-21c
38) Asa - Bob Dylan (musician) Folk singer. 20-21c
39) Ian - Phillip Roth (author) Writes about contemporary Jewish issues. 20-21c
40) Mike - Annie Liebowitz (photographer) Pictures for Rolling Stone and Vanity Fair. 20-21c
Round 11
41) Asa - Benoit Mandelbrot (mathematician) Fractal geometry. 20-21c
42) Ian - Jonas Salk (doctor, scientist) Cured polio. 20c
43) Mike - Larry David (comedian, actor) Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm. 20-21c
44) David - Ruth Bader-Ginsburg (supreme court justice) 20-21c.
Round 12
45) Ian - Yitzhak Rabin (Prime Minister of Israel) 1974-7 & 92-5, signed peace accord. 20c
46) Mike - Rachel Adler (theologian) Integrated feminism into Judaism. 20-21c
47) David - Sandy Koufax (baseball player) Great pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers. 20c
48) Asa - Frank Gehry (architect) Guggenheim Museum. 20-21c
Round 13
49) Mike - George Gershwin (musician) Jazz composer. 20c
50) David - David Ben-Gurion (1st Prime Minister of Israel) Advocate of a Jewish state, socialist 20c
51) Asa - Steven Spielberg (movie director) Schindler's List, ET. 20-21c
52) Ian - Paul Wellstone (senator) Democrat from Minnesota. 20c
Round 14
53) David - Howard Cossell (sports announcer) Monday Night Football. 20c
54) Asa - Arthur Miller (playwrite) Wrote Death of a Salesman, The Crucible. 20c
55) Ian - Allan Ginsburg (author) Beat generation poet. 20c
56) Mike - Nadine Gordimer (novelist) Nobel Prize in Literature, South African. 20-21c
Round 15
57) Asa - Jerry Seinfeld (comedian) The show Seinfeld. 20-21c
58) Ian - Moe Berg (baseball player, spy) Spied for US during WWII. 20c
59) Mike - Eliezer Ben-Yehuda (linguist) Revived Hebrew. 19-20c
60) David - Stephen Breyer (supreme court judge) 20-21c.
Round 16
61) Ian - Shimon Peres (Prime Minister of Israel twice) Won Nobel Peace Prize. 20-21c
62) Mike - Paul Simon (musician) Folk Singer. 20-21c
63) David - Kerri Strug (gymnast) 1996 gold medalist. 20c
64) Asa - Saul Bellow (author) Canadian novelist. 20c
Round 17
65) Mike - Zsa Zsa Gabor* (celebrity) Famous for no reason. 20c
66) David - Abba Eban (politician) Israeli ambassador to UN & US, member of Knesset. 20c
67) Asa - Ariel Sharon (Prmie Minister of Israel) 2001-2006. 20-21c
68) Ian - Bernard Malamud (author) Wrote The Natural. 20c
Round 18
69) David - Red Holtzman (NBA coach) Led New York Knicks to 2 NBA titles. 20c
70) Asa - Carl Sagan (physics, author) Wrote sci-fi books. 20c
71) Ian - Andy Kaufman (comedian, wrestler) Inter-gender wrestling champion. 20c
72) Mike - Dennis Gabor (scientist) Nobel prize for holograms. 20c
Round 19
73) Asa - Stanley Kubrik (movie director) 20c.
74) Ian - Leo Frank (pencil factory manager) Lynched by Georgian mob after falsely accused of raping & murdering a little girl. 19-20c
75) Mike - Gene Simmons (musician) Lead singer of KISS. 20-21c
76) David - Primo Levi (author) Holocaust survivor. 20c
Round 20
77) Ian - Natalie Portman (actor) 21c.
78) Mike - George Soros (financial speculator) Funded anti-Soviet movements. 20-21c
79) David - Sa'd al-Dawla (chief minister) Chief Minister under the Mongol Ilkhan Arghun Khan. 13c
80) Asa - Art Spiegelman (cartoonist) Maus. 20-21c

* Zsa Zsa Gabor's maternal family was Jewish and her mother's parents died in the Holocaust. However, since she never identified as Jewish, she would not be considered as such according to the rules for this specific draft. Since we realized this after the draft was over, the pick stands.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Norman Finkelstein vs Daniel Pipes

Norman Finkelstein's out convincing people to be suicide bombers. They weren't gonna do it before they saw him in Gaza standing on a mini platform preaching like those crazy guys in New York.

Daniel Pipes is the one Jew who actually does use the blood of Muslim babies to leaven his matzo, even though it's not kosher.

The rest of us are still wandering the desert.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Mid Eastern Hip Hop

Let's change the world through Hip Hop, shall we?

I don't know how to express my sorrow and regret towards the current situation in the Middle East, so I'm going to do something fun with it. Let me begin by stating up front that I only know English. So I must rely on other sources for most of the lyrical content in these songs. This post does not claim to be a comprehensive account of Hip Hop in this region by any means, just something to start with.

Israeli Hip Hop artists often take pride in Jewish symbols and a culturally Jewish way of life. For Jews that live in Christian countries (I live in America), this is empowering. However, I can understand why this is taken differently in Israel, where Jews have the power. The beats usually are a mixture between Middle Eastern and Western club beats or the same mixture of instrumentation.

artists: T.A.C.T. Family (led by Subliminal); Hadag Nahash; Shabak Samech (rap metal); Mook E (Reggae rap).

Palestinian Hip Hop generally talks about the realities of life in Palestine. Some artists (Da Arab MCs aka DAM) explain that they rap in English and Hebrew (as well as Arabic), because Arabic-speakers understand the predicament of Palestinian life, so DAM purpose is to educate Israelis and others. A personal criticism of some Palestinian Hip Hop is that some of the lyrics are offensive to Jews who would otherwise be sympathetic to their plight. However, these offensive lyrics are rare, but they do represent the frustrations of the Palestinian people. These lyrics symbolize despair more than they represent hate.

artists: Da Arab MCs (DAM); MWR (I believe they're Palestinian, but they might be Egyptian. Sources are often contradictory).

Both Palestinian and Israeli artists strongly advocate peace in their songs. They seem to disagree on how the peace can/should/will be achieved.

The beats from other Arab countries generally are not as dark as Palestinian beats. Some artists have been born and raised in European countries, some have immigrated to Europe, and others live in Arab countries.

Algeria: Intik
Egypt: Pharosan
Lebanon: Clotaire K

Just outside of the Middle East
Iran: Ali Sufi
Morocco: Salah Edin, Raymzter

If anyone has more information, please share.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

WASP Watch

Here is a list of male WASPs in the federal government. There might be some Catholics here too, I don't really give a shit, they're all Christian. Basically, I found a list of people in the federal government and then took out women, blacks, Jews, Asians, Latinos, and the Kennedys. The Kennedys were the largest of those groups.

Bush, George W.

Vice President
Cheney, Richard

Bodman, Samuel; Johanns, Mike; Kempthorn, Dirk; Leavitt, Michael O.; Nicholson, Jim; Paulson, Henry M.; Rumsfeld, Donald;

Alexander, Lamar; Allard, Wayne; Allen, George; Baucus, Max; Bayh, Evan; Bennett, Robert; Biden, Joe; Bingaman, Jeff; Bond, Chris; Brownback, Sam “Brokeback”; Bunning, Jim; Burns, Conrad; Burr, Richard; Byrd, Robert; Carper, Thomas; Chafee, Lincoln; Chambliss, Saxby; Coburn, Tom; Cochran, Thad; Conrad, Kent; Cornyn, John; Craig, Larry; Crapo, Mike; Dayton, Mark; DeMint, Jim DeWine, Mike; Dodd, Chris; Domenici, Pete; Dorgan, Byron; Ensign, John; Enzi, Michael; Frist, Bill; Graham, Lindsey; Grassley, Chuck; Gregg, Judd; Hagel, Chuck; Harkin, Tom; Hatch, Orin; Isakson, Johnny; Jeffords, Jim; Johnson, Tim; Kyl, Jon; Lott, Trent; Lugar, Richard; McCain, John; McConnell, Mitch; Nelson, Bill; Nelson, Benjamin; Pryor, Mark; Reed, Jack; Reid, Harry; Roberts, Pat; Rockefeller, John; Santorum, Rick; Sessions, Jeff; Shelby, Richard; Smith, Gordon; Stevens, Ted; Talent, James; Thomas, Craig; Thune, John; Vitter, David; Voinovich, George; Warner, John;

House of Representatives
Abercrombie, Neil; Aderholt, Robert B.; Akin, W. Todd; Alexander, Rodney; Allen, Thomas H.; Andrews, Robert E.; Baca, Joe; Bachus, Spencer; Baird, Brian; Baker, Richard H.; Barrett, J. Gresham; Barrow, John; Bartlett, Roscoe G.; Barton, Joe; Bass, Charles F.; Beauprez, Bob; Becerra, Xavier; Berry, Marion "The White One, Look It Up"; Bilbray, Brian P.; Bilirakis, Michael; Bishop, Rob; Bishop, Timothy H.; Blumenauer, Earl; Blunt, Roy; Boehlert, Sherwood; Boehner, John A.; Bonilla, Henry; Bonner, Jo; Boozman, John; Boren, Dan; Boswell, Leonard L.; Boucher, Rick; Are you still reading this?; Boustany, Charles W. Jr.; Boyd, Allen; Bradley, Jeb; Brady, Kevin; Brady, Robert A.; Brown, Henry E.; Jr. Brown, Sherrod; Burgess, Michael C.; Burton, Dan; Butterfield, G. K.; Buyer, Steve; Calvert, Ken; Camp, Dave; Campbell, John; Cannon, Chris; Cantor, Eric; Capuano, Michael E. "Swallows"; Cardoza, Dennis A.; Carnahan, Russ; Carter, John R.; Case, Ed; Castle, Michael N.; Chabot, Steve; Chandler, Ben; Chocola, Chris "Count"; Coble, Howard; Cole, Tom; Conaway, K. Michael; Cooper, Jim; Costa, Jim; Costello, Jerry F.; Cramer, Robert E. (Bud) Jr.; Crenshaw, Ander; Crowley, Joseph; Cuellar, Henry; Culberson, John Abney; Davis, Geoff; Davis, Jim; Davis, Lincoln; Davis, Tom; Deal, Nathan; DeFazio, Peter A.; Delahunt, William D.; Dent, Charles W.; Dicks, Norman D.; Dingell, John D.; Doggett, Lloyd; Doolittle, John T.; Doyle, Michael F.; Dreier, David; Duncan, John J. Jr.; Edwards, Chet; Ehlers, Vernon J.; English, Phil; Etheridge, Bob; Evans, Lane; Everett, Terry; Farr, Sam; Feeney, Tom; Ferguson, Mike; Fitzpatrick, Michael G.; Flake, Jeff; Foley, Mark; Forbes, J. Randy; Fortenberry, Jeff; Franks, Trent; really, you're still reading?; Frelinghuysen, Rodney P.; Gallegly, Elton; Garrett, Scot;t Gerlach, Jim; Gibbons, Jim; Gilchrest, Wayne T.; Gillmor, Paul E.; Gingrey, Phil; Gohmert, Louie; Goode, Virgil H. Jr.; Goodlatte, Bob; Gordon, Bart; Graves, Sam; Green, Al "WASP Love"; Green, Gene; Green, Mark; Gutknecht, Gil; Hall, Ralph M.; Hastert, J. Dennis; Hastings, Doc; Hayes, Robin "I'm a Man"; Hayworth, J. D.; Hefley, Joel; Hensarling, Jeb; Herger, Wally; Higgins, Brian; Hinchey, Maurice D.; Hobson, David L.; Hoekstra, Peter; Holden, Tim; Holt, Rush D.; Honda, Michael M.; Hostettler, John N.; Hoyer, Steny H.; Hulshof, Kenny C.; Hunter, Duncan; Hyde, Henry J.; Inglis, Bob; Inslee, Jay; Issa, Darrell E.; Istook, Ernest J. Jr.; Jenkins, William L.; Jindal, Bobby; Johnson, Eddie Bernice; Johnson, Sam; Johnson, Timothy V.; Jones, Walter B.; Kanjorski, Paul E.; Keller, Ric; Kildee, Dale E.; Kind, Ron; King, Peter T.; King, Steve; Kingston, Jack; Kirk, Mark Steven; Kline, John; Knollenberg, Joe; Kolbe, Jim; Kuhl, John R. "Randy'' Jr.; LaHood, Ray "In"; Langevin, James R.; Larsen, Rick; Larson, John B.; Latham, Tom; LaTourette, Steven C.; Leach, James A.; Lewis, Jerry "Not the Jewish Comedian"; Lewis, Ron; Linder, John; LoBiondo, Frank A.; Lucas, Frank D.; Lungren, Daniel E.; Lynch, Stephen F.; McCarthy, Carolyn; McCaul, Michael T.; McCotter, Thaddeus G.; McCrery, Jim; McDermott, Jim; McGovern, James P.; McHenry, Patrick T. "I have not yet begun to McFight"; McHugh, John M.; McIntyre, Mike; McKeon, Howard P. "Buck''; McNulty, Michael R.; Mack, Connie- the great baseball manager? I thought he was dead; Manzullo, Donald A.; Marchant, Kenny; Markey, Edward J.; Marshall, Jim "Running the Wrong Way"; Matheson, Jim; Meehan, Martin T.; Meeks, Gregory W.; Melancon, Charlie; Mica, John L.; Michaud, Michael H.; Miller, Brad; Miller, Gary G.; Miller, George; Miller, Jeff; Mollohan, Alan B.; Moore, Dennis; Moran, James P. "Hates Jews"; Moran, Jerry; Murphy, Tim; Murtha, John P. "Coward?"; Neal, Richard E.; Neugebauer, Randy; Ney, Robert W.; Norwood, Charlie; Nunes, Devin; Nussle, Jim; Oberstar, James L.; Obey, David R.; Olver, John W.; Osborne, Tom "Great Football Coach Turned Bad Politician"; Otter, C. L. "Butch''; Oxley, Michael G.; Pallone, Frank "Stallone" Jr.; Pascrell, Bill Jr.; Pastor, Ed; Paul, Ron; Pearce, Stevan; Pence, Mike; Peterson, Collin C.; Peterson, John E.; Petri, Thomas E.; Pickering, Charles W. "Chip''; Pitts, Joseph R.; Platts, Todd Russell; Poe, Ted; Pombo, Richard W.; Pomeroy, Earl; Porter, Jon C.; Price, David E.; Price, Tom; really reading this thoroughly are we?; Putnam, Adam H.; Rahall, Nick J. II "I'm Too Good For Jr."; Ramstad, Jim; Regula, Ralph "a-"; Rehberg, Dennis R.; Reichert, David G.; Renzi, Rick; Reyes, Silvestre; Reynolds, Thomas M.; Rogers, Harold; Rogers, Mike; Rogers, Mike; Ross, Mike; Royce, Edward R.; Ruppersberger, C. A. Dutch; Ryan, Paul; Ryan, Tim; Ryun, Jim; Sabo, Martin Olav; Saxton, Jim; Schwarz, John J. H. "Joe''; Scott, David; Sensenbrenner, F. James Jr.; Sessions, Pete; Shadegg, John B.; Shaw, E. Clay Jr.; Shays, Christopher; Sherwood, Don; Shimkus, John; Shuster, Bill; Simmons, Rob; Simpson, Michael K.; Skelton, Ike; Smith, Adam- the 19th century economist?; Smith, Christopher H.; Smith, Lamar S.; Snyder, Vic; Sodrel, Michael E.; Souder, Mark E.; Spratt, John M. Jr.; Stark, Fortney Pete; Stearns, Cliff; Strickland, Ted; Stupak, Bart; Sullivan, John; Sweeney, John E.; Tancredo, Thomas G. ;Tanner, John S.; Taylor, Charles H.- the former Liberian president?; Taylor, Gene "I'm A Man"; Terry, Lee "Me Too"; Thomas, William M.; Thompson, Mike; Thornberry, Mac; Tiahrt, Todd; Tiberi, Patrick J.; Tierney, John F.; Turner, Michael R.; Udall, Mark; Udall, Tom; Upton, Fred; Van Hollen, Chris "My Rep"; Visclosky, Peter J.; Walden, Greg; Walsh, James T.; Wamp, Zach; Weldon, Curt; Weldon, Dave; Weller, Jerry; Westmoreland, Lynn A. "I Swear I'm A Man Too"; Whitfield, Ed; Wicker, Roger F.; Wilson, Joe- Valerie Plame's husband?; Wolf, Frank R.; Young, C. W. Bill; Young, Don;

Supreme Court
Souter, David; Steven, John; There are 4 white male Catholic judges (Alito, Kennedy, Roberts, Scalia).

This is not a hate post.
It should be used for poignant comedic purposes only.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Tears Of A Clown

For the past couple of days, I've tried to come up with an idea to explain my feelings on the current Israeli situation in a funny or entertaining way. I can't. I'm left with two sentences.

I am against Israel's attacks against its Arab neighbors. I am a Jew.

Where do I go from there?

Do I then discuss my reservations about even saying that statement publicly because it might empower even one anti-Semite? Do I explain that I support Israel's right to exist? Do I also condemn the attacks perpetrated by Hezbollah and Hamas? Do I lecture on Jewish history to better allow people to understand the situation? No, I can't lecture on that, the only people who will listen need a different kind of lecture. Do I juxtapose my sincere devotion to Jewish people against the sickness I feel over Israel's actions? Do I explain how I believe these attacks will only hurt the futures of Jewish people? Do I express solidarity with Muslims? I don't know what to say.

Right now, I am only able to articulate the deep sadness that I feel over what is happening. I certainly don't have any proposed remedies, just despair, which is currently clouding my seemingly irrational eternal optimism.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Dave Chappelle

If you're Dave Chappelle:
1) You gotta be upset with the new Comedy Central promos using your sound bites from your sketches against you to make you look foolish, and really just upset with the whole thing.
2) Holy shit, you're reading my blog, that's so awesome!
3) Wait, why the hell are you reading this trash and why do you care what I have to say? (I'm not complaining though)

If you're not Dave Chappelle:
1) Just leave him the fuck alone.
2) Stop screaming, "I'm Rick James, bitch!" Yes, I saw the show too, I don't need you repeating it constantly like a mindless drone you stupid moron. Is this what society has come to? All Americans can comprehend are sound bites, political or comedic? I'm glad Dave Chappelle isn't Hitler.
3) I noticed that Lil' Jon only screamed a few words during his songs. Then Dave Chappelle did some sketches about that fact. They were funny cuz I was thinking that too. Then idiots all over the country decided to scream "What?" "Yeah," and "Okay," for the next 4 years. Dave Chappelle is funnier than just some sound bites. Is that all you got out of his comedy? What about the hilarious irony of doing white face? Nothing? There's no way I should be in the top 20% of smartest people in this country. But then again, I can locate Iraq on a map.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I'm Still Behind My President

Just because George W. Bush values the lives of black and brown people less than those of whites doesn't make him a bigoted racist. Just because he considers the value of whites' lives superior doesn't mean he's a white supremacist.

One myth is that Mr. Bush didn't do everything in his power to save the people of New Orleans in the wake of Hurricane Katrina because many of those people are black. That's totally false! He didn't do anything because many of those people are not white. Mr. Bush doesn't see your skin color, he only sees what your skin color is not.

Also, Mr. Bush is not a bigoted racist because he didn't come to the aid of non-black groups of people before, during, and after Hurricane Katrina as well. He didn't save some white people living in Mississippi because they were poor. I mean, it's very simple logic here.

Immigration is really an easy issue to disprove Mr. Bush's bigoted racism. He doesn't want Mexican immigrants to get rid of their skin color. That's ridiculous. He just wants you to get rid of any semblance of your culture because he believes it's inferior to WASP culture. Where's the racism in that?

The war in Iraq has nothing to do with race either. Iraqis' lives are just as important as those of Americans. Any conservative knows that. They can estimate to within 1,000 the number of American lives lost. But they can also do the same for Iraqi lives lost (without looking at my post giving those tragic numbers)... even though the American military doesn't even really know the number. But Mr. Bush correctly figures that no one cares, Iraqis are brown people and are not Christian. Doesn't make him a bigoted racist.

Wait... what does bigoted racist mean?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

All In The Family

The president of Poland Lech Kaczynski appointed his identical twin brother Jaroslaw Kaczynski as the Polish prime minister. Now that is some fucking nepotism!

I wonder if the Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is their cousin? I mean, shit, it's spelled the same. How many Kaczynskis in Poland could there be? What's next, is the Unabomber gonna be appointed foreign minister?

Also, there should be an ugliness limit for identical twins; if they're as ugly as the leaders of Poland, you gotta kill one.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

For The Love Of Hate: The Riccio-Hale Story

A group of charismatic opinionated leaders gathered for the National Konvention for Koncerned Kaucasians (N-KKK) . Unbeknownst to the rest of the members, emotions were brewing between two participants.

The eyes of Bill Riccio, a member of Birmingham's KKK among other groups, kept wandering the room hoping to catch the eyes of another. Bill wished that Matthew Hale, the leader of the Creativity Movement, would speak. It would be an excuse to stare at those luscious lips and gaze into those heavenly eyes.

What Bill didn't know was that the same emotions were welling up in Matt's body. Their eyes searched the room, always with the intent of eventually reaching each other. Then Matt spoke, giving a particularly heinous anti-gay speech as Bill's heart fluttered, his male anatomy extending with anticipation. Matt was done; Bill forced himself to look away.

Then the moment happened. Their eyes met. Their probably blue eyes locked and their lives would never be the same.

After the conference ended, Bill timed it so that he would accidentally bump into Matt. His nerves made his bosom jiggle. Bill's shoulder scraped Matt's back. Matt turned and was shocked; there before his eyes was the epitome of beauty, Bill Riccio.

Bill tried to say something, anything, but his throat had gone dry, "Um.. I loved your speech about [anti-black slur]."
"Oh, thanks. You really stuck it to those [several anti-Jew slurs in a row]. I loved the way you showed how they [anti-Jew rhetoric] and use that money to help those [anti-black slurs] and promote a [anti-gay slur] lifestyle," Matt complimented.
Bill was overcome with glee. He attempted to compose himself. "Coming from you, that means a lot."
"Well it's the truth," Matt replied, "Do you... I don't know... want to get together sometime? You know, to talk about the movement, I mean."
Bill could hardly contain himself. "Of course. I want to! Uh, to talk about the movement."

Life is hard and lonely for today's vicious racist. It seems that no one understands their struggle. This was a feeling that Matt and Bill knew all too well. They could sense the empathy of each other's eyes. They scheduled to meet three weeks after the N-KKK. Bill thought about the forthcoming meeting everyday. Matt was confused at first. He knew homosexuality was wrong. But this truth seemed less certain now. He couldn't fight this urge. He had to let his inhibitions go. Waking up to thoughts of Bill, Matt slowly moved his hand southward and began imagining that it was Bill's hand instead. If only.

The day of the meeting arrived. Matt washed his body vigorously in his hotel room, hoping with good reason. Bill couldn't wait to meet his mentor. He noticed that his penis had seemed to wake up from a deep slumber over the previous three weeks. Bill wasn't sure what the sudden awakening was about. But he knew he wanted to see the man who had sparked his love of hating different groups of people, Matthew Hale.

"Hey Bill. Great place you got here. Really conducive for cultivating a pure white culture."
"Thanks Matt. New haircut? Very Hitler-like." Both men's hearts raced. Blood ran to places that they wouldn't have expected one short month before. Bill was looking forward to discussing white power, but pleasant, yet unwelcome images of Matt in all his naked glory kept creeping into his head. Matt wasn't sure how to profess his attraction for Bill. He understood the consequences of his feelings for Bill, but he was a slave to his heart.

They sat across from each other at a table and attempted to get down to business. "So the [anti-Muslim slur] is attempting to infiltrate this white country," Matt remarked, praying that his ankle would touch Bill's under the table. Bill tried to concentrate, but Matt's pure vanilla face looked so delicious. "Yeah, the [anti-gay slur, even though he was referring to Muslims] are the new [anti-black slur]. Now they own stores like the [anti-Chinese slur, but I think he meant an anti-Korean slur. I'm just saying, you don't know the context, I do]." Their legs accidentally touched and both were in ecstasy. Bill still fought his urges.

Before they knew what happened, they were holding hands, conversing about having sex with pure white women. Matt scooted his chair next to Bill on his left. Bill was conflicted. His heart jumped out of his chest and into Matt's body, but his head knew this was wrong. He felt awkward. Vulnerable to Matt's advances. Matt reached over with his left and placed his hand on Bill's thigh. Matt stroked it with his index finger while whispering that the Holocaust never happened [yet they worship Hitler for killing so many Jews, I don't get that], periodically blowing into Bill's ear. Bill began playing with the back of Matt's left hand. Matt's right hand began rubbing Bill's back, occasionally slipping below. Bill felt the battle between his throbbing stick of white pride and his anti-gay heritage. He wished he didn't want it. Or he wished he could simply let go and allow Matt to lick his body like a horse with a sugar cube.

Matt moved his hand up Bill's thigh, and slowly reached glory. After a few seconds of delight, Bill stood up, his erection clearly apparent. "I can't do this Matt. I'm sorry. I'm not a [anti-gay slur] like those [anti-Jew slur]. It's not right."

Matt stood up slowly, compassionately. He placed his hands on Bill's shoulders and hugged him. They then stared into each other's eyes. "Bill, you know we can't fight it. You have to do what's in your white heart. Listen to your Aryan heart my brother." Then Matt moved closer to Bill. Their lips touched ever so slightly. And Matt moved away. Before he could get far, Bill grabbed him and their tongues swirled around each other. They exchanged white saliva for over a minute, moving their hands up and down each other’s bodies, exploring like a puppy in a new surrounding.

First Matt took off his shirt and then he freed Bill of his. And well, you get the picture. They had sex.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Nats At The Break

I'm not going to write anything outlandish as respect for the last post. The Nats are 38-52 at the All Star break. Injuries to starting pitchers and the inability of the lineup to come up with the big hit are the reasons for the poor start.

The Nats have picked up a new owner during the first half of this season. The clouds of impeding change have glided over this ballclub. Who's going? Who's staying?

The Nats have a number of good players, but no one can replace Alfonso Soriano. So So is the heart of the team and by far the best player. Unfortunately, he's forced to hit leadoff, simply because the Nats don't have another player who could fill that role.

Nick Johnson, Ryan Zimmerman, and So So have been the bright sports all season long. Hopefully Nicky can stay healthy all year and for years to come. If not, trade him. Z will just keep improving offensively and defensively at 3rd base. I like the tandem of Z and So So and I hope they'll be on the team for a long time.

All reports have Jose Guillen on the way out. If that's true, I'd like to thank him for being the team's star for the first season in DC.

The second half will probably see a run made by the Nats, especially if players stay healthy. Will it be enough to be part of a playoff race, is the question. It's an outside shot, but I have faith. The other interesting story will be on the roster come August.

Sunday, July 09, 2006


My blog is a place where I air out my extremely sarcastic side and attempt to offend, hopefully for the purpose of bettering the world in some very minute fashion. Every once in a while I'll check the various searches that have brought readers to my site. Two especially have really saddened me:

"they grabbed me" table tied rape

"guys grabbed my ass"

I do not know the origin of these searches. If your serious search has brought you to my site, I truly apologize, but I would like to help in some way possible. Here are some links for you. Please remember that you are valuable.

Here are some links to help you:

rape abuse and incest national network

the rape crisis center

women organized against rape

for men who want to help, men against rape

Saturday, July 08, 2006

More On Hitler's Personal Life

Adolf Hitler used to lick public toilet seats (men's and women's). Through this hobby, he developed mustache crabs.

If Hitler was alive today, I wouldn't smack him around. Violence against him wouldn't help anything; it wouldn't bring back the dead. I don't fight fire with fire, I fight it with water. So, I'd wait until we were stuck in an elevator in between floors and then piss my pants and let it fester.*

* author's note - I'm used to the smell of my own urine.

Friday, July 07, 2006

The New 14 Words

"My arm hurts from heiling Hitler. I can't count, how many words is that?"

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

David H-duk Is An Idiot

David H-duk is quite possibly the biggest loser ever. His whole world view is a joke. He's what is called a bleeding-heart liberal. He wants peace and happiness for all, but he has no grasp of reality. Blanket statements such as "All war is wrong," are nice sentiments, but they don't help. Sometimes, war is necessary. If we followed his logic, the most vicious dictators would still be in power. And what about the Holocaust? What good would non-violent activism have done in that situation?

This guy is a closet socialist, or at least a social democrat. Yet he has no idea how economies work. He doesn't know what the federal reserve board does. He can't even explain his position on fair trade. He knows it's good (he can "feel it"), but that's about it. He knows there's a difference between debt and a deficit, but he doesn't remember which is which. Moron.

According to Mr. H-duk, everyone is oppressed. Let's see him show the link between slavery and today. Women? More women go to college than do men, so they have an equal opportunity. Immigrants? This is a country of laws; immigrants can come, but it must be legally, otherwise, they'll be no jobs for regular Americans. Plus, they're paid such low wages, their presence is just bad for everyone. Gays should be allowed to marry, there's really no good argument against that. Ok, so David has one valid point out of a thousand.

He's all pro-Jewish, but I never see him at synagogue. He can't sing the songs (he can't sing, true, but he also doesn't know the words). He knows very little of Jewish history, tradition, and culture. Trying to grab onto any "Other" identity, are we David?

In addition, he's short. He's not as good a basketball player as he thinks (just put a taller awkward guy on him and he's confused, plus he's a streaky shooter and has become a weak defender, especially in the post). He's too scared to get a real job. He is inferior to every other world history grad student at George Mason. He thinks he's so funny, but most people don't even get his sarcasm. He has few friends (who, the fat guy? he doesn't count) and women don't like him. In short (like him), David H-duk is an idiot.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Ask An Average Muslim

As with most Americans, I've been hearing and reading a lot about Muslims in the news for the last few years. The news has made me want to learn more about this strange and mysterious creature. So I decided to ask an average Muslim named Sherkhan, an American-born son of Pakistani immigrants, (who has been a friend of mine for years, considering he's come over to my house numerous times for Passover and I've observed the fast for the holy month of Ramadan with him, we went to college together and traveled to China since).

Our interview was conducted over email, because he is in Egypt right now.

Q: Are you a terrorist?
A: Well I do get pretty angry when my team loses in the Finals after being up 2-0 (see

Q: Do you hate America?
A: No, I just hate pussies who blog about religions they know nothing about and then hide behind the anonymity of the Internet to escape the well deserved condemnation from their fellow Americans.

Q: Do you agree with al-Qaeda's aims?
A: No, they are a nihilistic terrorist organization that targets civilians and uses the banner of Islam to justify their atrocities. The Quran is a very explicit on the subject of suicide and the killing of innocent people. Commit suicide--you go to hell, no exceptions.

Q: What's up with those 72 virgins?
A: Its actually a translation thing. Arabic The Islamic scholar Yusuf Ali defines the word "Houris" in his English interpretation of Qu'ran as "Youths of perpetual freshness." He also described them in his commentary: "The companionship of Beauty and Grace is one of the highest pleasures of life. In this bodily life it takes bodily form. In the higher life it takes a higher form...The pronoun in Arabic is in the feminine gender. It is made clear that these maidens for heavenly society will be of special creation,-of virginal purity, grace, and beauty, inspiring and inspired by love, with the question of time and age eliminated." Women get the same deal.

A more complete explanation can be found at:

Q: What's your view on Israel?
A: I believe that Israel was created after the atrocities of WWII and that Jews were desperate to create a homeland of their own. I don't think its appropriate for countries to be based on ethnic /religious lines alone, even though that's how almost every country outside the Western Hemisphere is. Still, Israel's been there for 50+ years and time tends to legitimize things (I wouldn't want Pocahontas' ancestors launching a guerrilla war to drive me into the sea.) It's also remarkable how much territory they have returned after military capture (Sinai, Lebanon, Gaza) On the other hand the wall they have been building in the West Bank is turning it into an apartheid state. I could go on for pages, but to sum up: Israel should not be destroyed, Zionism is bad, all people should have freedom to worship in in Jerusalem.

Q: What's your view of Jews?
A: Jews are awesome. Where would we be without Whoopi Goldberg? --She's Jewish right? Actually Muslims revere Jews, Christians and Zoroastrians as peoples of the Book. The messages are generally the same, and Islam sees itself as a continuation of the Jewish and Christian messages. In fact, all Muslims around the world pray towards a house of God built by a Jew (Abraham).

Q: How do you feel about Christians?
A: Christians are great. I am most impressed with the volunteer and community service work that many churches do. Nuns are awesome. Whatever happened to that show where Sally Fields is the nun that can fly with that hat?

Q: Why were some Muslims offended by the Danish cartoons that depicted Prophet Muhammad as a terrorist?
A: There are a few main reasons: First, it is forbidden to show the image of the Prophet Muhammad (be it painting, sculpture, cartoon...) Second, not only was it the image of the Prophet, but it was a derogatory one with a bomb wrapped around his turban etc. Another thing is that most of the people in Muslim countries live under authoritarian governments, so 'freedom of speech' is not really acknowledge there--many people there think that if it got printed in the paper it must have had a government sanction/approval, even though there was nothing that the Danish government could do.

Q: Were you offended?
A: Hell yes I was offended. The cartoons are very derogatory, but what it does is highlight the double standards and thinly veiled racism that exists in Europe towards Muslims. Listen, we have a free press in America too, but just because you have the ability to offend and insult religions, doesn't make it right to do so. Most European countries guard and cultivate their culture, which is one of the reasons why its such a great place to visit. Part of the European identity is Christianity; being Muslim and being European seem to be mutually exclusive at this point (which is not the case in America).

Q: What takes place in a mosque during Friday prayers?
A: People go to the mosque for the middle prayer (Asr) around noontime. You listen to a sermon and then you pray together. The sermon can be given by anyone in the community, and often is coupled with the Imam's speech. The talks vary, from the importance of charity (zakat) or education, or chastity, or anything else you can think of.

Q: Do you still think Dirk Nowitzki is a good defensive player?
A: Yes, he is a good team defender. Rebounds and blocks are part of team defense.

So there you have it. While I did describe Sherkhan as "an average Muslim," he is only one person, not over one billion (the number of Muslims in the world). There are plenty of Muslims who know good defense when they see it.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Pride And Prejudice

I am most proud of my people when tragedy becomes our impetus to help others. I am proud to be a Jew when I learn about the role that many Jews played in the Civil Rights Movement or in the effort to stop genocide in Darfur; their motivation stemming directly from the lessons of hate and injustice that caused the Holocaust.

I am most shamed when we as Jews only utilize those lessons for our own good; when we fail to empathize with other downtrodden people as we have been throughout our history. That stone-faced short-sightedness deeply hurts me.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Sad KniBilNats

New York Knicks
Last year's rookies are the brightest light in the Knicks future. Nate Robinson, Channing Frye, and David Lee hustled as best they could. With experience, Robinson and Frye can lead the Knicks to glory (with a lot of help) and Lee can be an important role player.

Jamal Crawford and Eddy Curry have shown flashes of absolute greatness. But it's far too infrequent.

The overpaid players signed to long contracts are just weighing the Knicks down. Isiah Thomas has kept bringing losing players with long contracts instead of starting over. The Knicks are stuck for a few years now. Thomas is now going to coach this team. If Larry Brown couldn't turn them around, there's little hope for Thomas, who I really liked before he joined the Knicks front office. Besides his inept job as general manager, there is an allegation of sexual harassment.

Balkman and Collins, the two recent draftees, better work their asses off next season. We need it.

Buffalo Bills
Marv Levy has come back to the Bills in a front office capacity. I love Marv, but some have already questioned his first two picks in this year's draft. The Bills have a loser quarterback, J.P. Losman (pronounced Loss man). Running back Willis McGahee needs to reach superstar status for us to be any good. Losing Eric Moulds hurts our receiving core. We should have a solid defense and Levy will make sure the Bills have a great special teams. But the team's fortunes rest with the questionable offense.

Washington Nats
I'm most excited about the Nats, but probably because this is only their second year in DC. I love manager Frank Robinson, who probably won't be back next year. Much of the Nats success over the next ten years must be given to Frank Robinson for his job during this tough transition period. Hopefully, the Nats can keep Alphonso Soriano (So So Good). Ryan Zimmerman (Zee) probably won't be the best player on a winning team, but he very well could be the star sidekick in a couple of years. I really like Jose Guillen, but all accounts have him on his way out.

The Nats have had two major problems in their time in DC thus far. Far too many pitchers have succumbed to injury over the last two seasons. Most teams need about 6 solid starters to keep winning. The Nats have needed a minimum of nine this season. The Nats have had a bunch of good hitters, but several always struggle at the same time. Last year B-dub and Vinny hit poorly all year long (and of course Guzman). Also, I didn't realize a team could have that many sub .250 hitters on their roster at one time.

By the way, I love Marlon Byrd, but no one cheers for him at the game. True, he should be the 4th outfielder if we could have our way, but he always gives his best and is playing a great centerfield lately. Cheer for Marlon Byrd!