Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Run Around

If you read Sherkhan's blog you will get some sense of the frustration that both of us are feeling. His blog is at Beijingbetty.blogspot.com.

Last night was cool. We found some ex-pats and hung out with them briefly. They were all older than us, but at least they spoke English. That sounds horrible, but the English teachers here can hardly speak English, and I'm tired of talking to Khan ova-here. Two weeks straight and we have nothing to say to each other besides expressing our anger at the drunken clowns who are in charge of finding us a teaching job and an apartment.

We call the head guy, Robert, many different names. My favorite is G-G-G-G-G-Unit, created by Sherkhan. Bobby' not a Gangsta, he just has a ridiculous stutter. Most Chinese stutter a bit in English, but this guy does it in Chinese too. I only make fun of stutters if they're jerks. We also call him stutter-step, for obvious reasons. Also, if Mr. Magoo and Porky Pig had a baby, you'd get this guy. He drives bad for any country. Slow as shit to be exact.

The next guy is General Dipshit. A real asshole. He's the "English teacher." Upstairs is not downstairs jerk-wad. He's loud, drunk, smokes a ton, and is just an asshole.

Luckily, we didn't see Dieter today. He's a techno-drug addict. He smokes a ahlf-pack of cigarettes at every meal and drinks a ton of vodka as well.

There are plenty of others, but who has time to describe their unique idiocies.

Last night, we did see a dude that was even shorter than ma. He was like 2 feet tall. He talked like Mickey Mouse after he just got kneed in the groin. But he was cool, because he knew what was up. He played to the laughing crowd and made some money. Then he stared right in my face and gave me the "lip," trying to act all downtrodden. If I were to give him money for being short, then he should give it right back to me for being stupid.

Internet cafe's themselves have been something. Yesterday, I walked into a cafe looking for Sherkhan. I just stepped in and looked confused. The guy who works there started clapping his hands and yalling at me and then pointing. Sure enough, there was Sherkhan at the end of the cafe. How did he know that I was looking for him and that we were together? That's what they think of foreigners here. They call us Lo-i (or law-i). Basically it means stupid foriegner. I might punch the next guy who calls me that right in the face.

Right now, I got some prick staring at my screen. Yeah you, you're a prick! Hahaha, he has no idea what I'm writing. You're a prick buddy.

Today, we taught a class with many students. The kids are very shy and don't know English well at all. But it was fun.

Afterwards, we ate dinner with people from the school. We learned that the Chinese have a custom of drinking themselves stupid with straight vodka. The headmaster had like 20 shots. Tjis is what we're dealing with.

Monday, May 30, 2005

China: First Post

Alright, well I would have liked to have posted many times by now, but it hasn't worked out like that. So here is a broad overview of my expierence in China thus far:

Cities stayed in:
Beijing, Shijiajuan, Xuzhou, Liangyuangong.

Number of apartments stayed in: 5 (Sherkhan 6)

Shit I've eaten: Donkey, Duck, a whole Rabbit (including its face), 1 mystery meat. Most Chinese people don't eat this shit. In fact, the rabbit grossed out the Chinese dude we were with.

Shirtless fat men I've seen: too many

Pantless bums: A funny one

Babies peeing through their pants which have been cut to expose their ass and pee-pee: Plenty

Looks directed at me like I'm an alien: From just about every person who passes me

Girls that have freaked about because she thought I was trying to pick her up, but actually I was just showing her my address so she could tell me which stop to get off of on the bus: 1

People hocking loogies and then spitting: All over the place

Falls on my back onto concrete of over 10 feet: 1

People who know what a Jew is: maybe 2

Places Sherkhan is believed to be from by Chinese people: India, Arabia(?), Pakistan, not America

People who have associated Muslims with bin Laden: 2 (but in fairness to the Chinese people, they were together. Sherkhan explained that he is Hui (Muslim in Chinese) and thus does not eat pork. Then the two started saying layden, layden. Sherkhan thought they were saying Latin. I said, "bin Laden?" They replied, " Yeah, yeah, bin Laden, bin Laden."

The Great Wall: Beautiful

People who have said "Hello" and then laughed like you would after seeing a monkey in a zoo: enough to crush my spirit

Sex jokes by Sherkhan: constant

What the future holds: who knows?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

National Anthem

If you could choose what the national anthem of the United States should be, what song would you choose. It can be any song as long as you have a good reason.

Either click here and leave a comment:

Or simply leave a comment on this post.

I'm leaving for China tonight.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

On Hiatus; In China

I will be leaving for China on May 18 and returning to the United States June 20. Then I will stay in New York for the rest of the week.

I'm not sure what our internet capabilities in China will be, so I will be on hiatus until further notice. However, you should periodically check back to see if I've been able to post something during my trip.

I've made my first trip to Texas (specifically Dallas), where I've spent the last few days with Sherkhan and his family. It's nice, besides the hot weather, the pervasiveness of churches, and the propensity for the "mustache-mullet/buzz cut" look. And why the hell is nearly everyone blonde? And what's with the plethora of steak houses here? If this is culture shock, I'm really in for it when I get to China.

Have a great month, hopefully I'll be able to post before then. Come back soon.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Favorite Emcees

Here's a list of my favorite Hip Hop emcees and groups. For what reason, you may ask? I guess this is just a starters list. A list of emcees that you should check out, and who have something positive to bring to the table.

My very favorite:
Talib Kweli, Common Sense, KRS-One, Mos Def, Blackalicious, Masterminds.

Next Tier:
A Tribe Called Quest, Public Enemy, Dead Prez, Pete Rock & CL Smooth, Mr. Lif, Tupac Shakur, Grandmaster Flash & the Furious 5, De La Soul, Jurassic 5, Da Bush Babees.

The Foundation; Old school:
Eric B. and Rakim, Run DMC, Sugar Hill Gang, Kurtis Blow, BDP.

Respect for the rest:
Aesop Rock, All Natural, J-Live, Atmosphere, Murs, Soul Position, Company Flow, Queen Latifah, Monie Love, Wu Tang Clan, Jungle Brothers, X Clan, Oktober, Mr. Complex, Pharaohe Monch, Bahamadia, Apani B, Jean Grae, Dilated Peoples, Xzibit, Jeru the Damaja, Fugees, Nas, Kanye West, Defari, Paris, Immortal Technique, Arrested Development, Notorious BIG, Cee Lo, OutKast, Brother Ali, Brand Nubians, Storm the Unpredictable, Aceyalone.

When I think of others, I'll add them. I wish there was some way I could've made this funnier, sorry.

NBA 1st Round

David's Predictions - Actual

Miami in 5 - Miami in 4

Washington in 6 - Washington in 6

Detroit in 6 - Detroit in 5

Indiana in 6 - Indiana in 7

Phoenix in 6 - Phoenix in 4

Dallas in 7 - Dallas in 7

Denver in 5 - San Antonio in 5

Seattle in 6 - Seattle in 5

Pool Standings after Round 1 and the champion these idiots picked:
David 7 (6th seed, Indiana)
Ian 6 (7th seed, Denver)
Sherkhan 5 (4th seed, Dallas)
Mike 2 (5th seed, Washington)

Yep, we are idiots.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Jews of Glory, Jews of Disgrace

My 5 Favorite Jews
5) Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
4) Moshe ben Maimon
3) Hank Greenberg
2) Albert Einstein
1) Milton Berlinger (the Messiah)

My 5 Most Hated Jews
5) Paul Wolfowitz
4) Woody Allen
3) Jesus Christensky
2) Shabbatai Zvi
1) The schmuck who pissed off Hitler

Monday, May 09, 2005

Circumcisions: God's Choice

Of course circumcisions are the lifeblood of humanity. They are what make the man. They allow men to understand the nature of sexism and heterosexism and fight against these realities. They make the world a better place. They give a man a face. Circumcisions have been a fixture of the Jewish people for many generations. Are you saying that you're anti-Semitic?

Should men be circumcised?
Yes, I love humanity!
I guess so, I'm kind of an idiot.
No, I am a horrible person.
No, I can use all the help I can get (if you know what I mean)
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Friday, May 06, 2005

My Secret Love

No one knows, until now. I am desperately in love with conservative author and pundit Ann Coulter. My soul grows warm with each word that flows out of her luscious mouth. The way she simplifies even the most difficult issue and then trivializes it sets young men's heart aflutter.

Ann Coulter, the future mother of my children, the wind beneath my wings, the whole reason for my being.

You always know when you're in love with someone, but often we don't know that we know. I learned of my feelings for Ann (or my little sugar dumpling as I like to call her now) tonight. I was watching Scarborough Country for five minutes to fulfill my five-minute-a-year allocation of watching Scarborough Country, when my darling future bride appeared on screen. Of course, I love a strong independent woman, as is my little honey pie, but it was a specific moment that awoke me to our love.

My beautiful blonde was engaged in a diatribe against those liberal universities. And then it happened. The moment our love blossomed. She kept referring to how horrible and insane college professors are, specifically Ward Churchill. Well I had never heard of Mr. Churchill, so I assumed that my beau was correct in her analysis. I decided then and there that this beautiful woman was so articulate that her words had inspired me to continue my research for my paper on the Black Panthers and Hip Hop and their exertion of citizenship in the face of police brutality.

I looked down at my book and to my surprise, the book was written by Ward Churchill! I could not believe it! Something truly magical had taken place. And it was the most unlikely of attractions. Me, a short liberal Jewish man of 23 years, and her, a tall, blond, psychotic thing. It was like out of one of those fairy tales.

But this called my source into question. If my beloved questioned the author, then it must be true. "Maybe his book, Agents of Repression, was a work of fiction?" I thought, "Maybe there was no government conspiracy against dissent groups, such as the Black Panthers? Maybe COINTELPRO was simply liberal propaganda?"

I pondered on the possibility that the premise of my paper was a farce. After all, Ann Coulter is never wrong. Ward Churchill must be a lunatic, especially if he questions the government in any way, shape, or form! Excuse me, the GOVERNMENT!

What more can I say about my moofy poofy? Her nonsensical rants turn me on so. The way she has nothing intelligent or meaningful to bring into the political discourse in this country, lights my fire. But most of all, it is the way she allows herself to be peddled around, her looks exploited, for the good of her anti-feminist beliefs that makes me respect her and want to marry her.

You see Ann Coulter is above reasoning or logic. She doesn't have to "always make sense," or "have a point," or "need accurate information," or "know what the hell she's talking about," or "understand anything the least bit political," because she has something the others don't, moxy. Zazz. Sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong! So don't talk bad about my creamy potato, or you'll have to answer to me!

Ann, honey, call me.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

No More American Jews

Chinese Americans, Italian Americans, Irish Americans, American Jews. These particular groups are referred to in this manner. What does it say about the United States?

My focus is on the sequence of the words. In the phrase "Chinese American," Chinese is the adjective. It describes the type of American that this individual is. Of course, Chinese Americans are often racialized as the "other" despite their ancestors' time in the United States, which dates back to the very beginnings of this country in some cases. Chinese Americans are often confused as Chinese Nationals, even if their family has been in the United States for 150 years. This is definitely not right, but, notwithstanding this racism, Chinese Americans still enjoy being described with the noun "American."

However, very rarely are Jewish Americans described as such. We are referred to as American Jews. "American" describes what kind of "Jew" we are. This insinuates that our loyalty lies with the Jew component, whereas other groups are American. The implicit suggestion by the term "American Jew" is that our allegiance first and foremost is located with the state of Israel, even above our place of residence. No other group faces this suspicion. My point is not to ignore the prejudice that other groups face however. It is simply to expose this form of discrimination, which is unique in the United States to Jews. The danger in the suspicion that our allegiance is to Israel is that we can be considered "outsiders" within the United States at a moment's notice, because the foundation has already been accepted in our country's discourse.

There are Jews who perpetuate this apparent allegiance to the state of Israel. My personal allegiance is with the Jewish people ourselves and not with any modern nation-state. I want what's best for my people and that is peace. How does the state of Israel help Jewish people if the state is synonymous with the religion's followers, and continuously creates animosity against its neighbors? An Israeli-Arab alliance is what's best for Jewish people. Arabs have a much greater stake in the success of the land that both groups share than the United States and its band of Christian fundamentalists that run the country. Of course, an Arab-Israeli alliance is more unlikely than me performing a Josh Smith-like dunk on a ten-foot hoop. But this Israeli-initiated animosity isn't helping Jewish people's safety one iota.

Back to the point of the so-called "American Jew," this is a term that we must change to "Jewish American" to fully be American citizens and resist the possibility of becoming an "outsider," which occured in Germany in the 1930s.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Maryland's Incompetent Police

The police in the United States are a joke. Let's put aside for a moment their grievous misconduct against particular groups, specifically blacks, Arabs, and Latinos. Their brutality on numerous occasions goes well beyond unacceptable to the point of criminal and really, more accurately, immoral.

I want to discuss something far less wicked, but dangerous nonetheless. Over the past nine months I've noticed an increase in police speed traps in Maryland. What I mean by this is that a police car hides in order to catch someone "speeding" and give them a ticket. No big deal right?

Wrong. The police are supposed to serve and protect. We live in an age of terrorism. We can use all the help we can get, especially from the people who are actually paid to prevent criminal acts such as terrorism. Instead these lazy bums sit in their car staring at their radar guns, while Al Queda operatives plot. How is hiding behind a tree on Travillah Road in Montgomery County helping anybody?

Tonight, I drove to the McDonalds and passed a police car sitting in the middle of the road on Darnestown Road at around 11:45pm. When I returned on the same road, he was still there, blocking anyone who wanted to make a left. Now either he's an 80 year old Floridian visiting from Century Village and just waiting for the right time to make a left turn, or he is a horrible police officer. I think it's about time we redirect our policing emphasis towards "serving and protecting" this country and not hiding and disrupting traffic in order to give out speeding tickets.

Of course, I'm not advocating an increase in surveillance against any specific group, unless that group is known terrorists of any color or creed. There are plenty of white terrorists. Timothy McVeigh was just the tip of the neo-Naziberg. I'm not advocating more violent police officers. Quite the opposite actually, I'm advocating smarter police. Police that truly try to improve this country, not bother hardworking Americans of all shapes and sizes, but preventing violent crime, especially so-called terrorism.

Also police officers speed, cut people off, run red lights, and sit in the middle of the road. Of course, there are times when this is to be excused, but only on special occasions. You are not the law. You are supposed to enforce the law, starting with yourselves. Follow the rules.

They're After Van Gundy

Why is it that Van Gundy (Jeff, the real one) always gets hosed? While coaching the Knicks, Van Gundy's club would perennially get screwed by the league and the refs. Now Van Gundy coaches the Rockets, but his fortunes haven't changed.

Van Gundy is the man, but i didn't need a close-up.

Before the game even starts the NBA fined Van Gundy $100,000. What the fuck? I mean who is he, Mark Cuban? Van Gundy doesn't have that kind of money to throw around for one comment. C'mon D.Stern, gotta lighten up on that one.

In the waning seconds of the game against Dallas, the Mavs missed a shot, and it appeared that John Barry had secured the rebound and Houston was on its way to try and tie the game. But that crafty Michael Finley stole the ball from Barry and was fouled. Or so it seemed.

In reality, Finley was easily out of bounds. His touching the ball while standing off the court was a violation, which should have awarded the ball to the Rockets. Instead the game turned on that play. But the refs weren't done fucking Van Gundy yet.

The Mavs had the ball and a slim lead. Houston needed to foul to get the ball back. Dallas knew it, the fans knew it, even the refs knew it. After the ball was inbound, Tracy McGrady and Scott Padgett converged on the Dallas player and effectively trapped him. Maybe they could get a steal and not have to foul after all. No foul had yet been committed, but the ref decided the Rockets should've fouled instead of going for the steal, so he blew the whistle anyway.

Dallas came away with a three point victory and Van Gundy got it royally again. Houston missed crucial free throws, it's true, but the refs helped. I just don't understand it. Van Gundy gives his all, as a coach, a body guard, and uh well that's it. For shame NBA, for shame!

Monday, May 02, 2005

Favorite Non-Knicks

There are a lot of NBA players that I really like. I like Iverson, because of his toughness. I like Tony Delk, because he's the man. Walter McCarty was favorite player when he was in college, so I like him. Ray Allen is just very cool. I wish I had his look. He has a snarl, but it's not a mean snarl. It's a confident snarl, yet compassionate. Plus he can shoot, which is why I've nicknamed him "Silky Smooth." If Charlie Ward still plays, I like him too. But this short list is made up of the cream of the crop. These are my very favorite players that do not play for the Knicks.

I love Early Boykins, not because he's 5'5" and awesome, wait never mind, it is because he's 5'5" and awesome!!

Eddie Gill, Guard, Indiana Pacers- During the brawl between the Pacers and the Detroit fans, Eddie Gill was the lone good guy. When maniac Stephen Jackson started wailing on people, it was Eddie who yanked his jersey and pulled him off of people. He wasn't concerned with "defending his teammates" but protecting them and everyone else involved. Eddie Gill is awesome!

Jerome James, Center, Seattle Sonics- Jerome has stepped up his game during the playoffs, but he could revert to his 5 points per game and I'd still love him. One night, after teammate Danny Fortson was ejected, Fortson flung a folding chair in disgust. The chair seemed destine to strike a fan. On his way to console his teammate, Jerome instinctively caught the chair by its leg one-handed while it was still in the air. Not only a great grab, but saved some people from getting injured too. Way to go Jerome!

Earl Boykins, Guard, Denver Nuggets- This is supposed to be where I tell you how good Earl Boykins is despite the fact that he's 5'5". Earl can dominate a game with his determined play. He makes his team better and should start for nearly any team in the NBA, but for height-prejudice. The fact is that Earl Boykins is as good as he is because he's 5'5". He has a height advantage, it's just a different kind. Maybe Yao will block a few shots because of his height, but Earl will get a few steals because of his. Plus he's awesome!

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Calling Him Out

Carmelo Anthony was ejected from tonight's game for pushing Manu Ginobili in the back of the neck towards the end of the game. Sure, that's fine. But Greg Butler punched Ginobili in the face on the same play and... nothing. Anthony shouldn't be suspended, but I think Butler should.

Hey, Ginobili, I know just how you feel. But imagine if some jerk did that to you the whole game? Three 2 on 2 games to 21 to be exact. Jerk.