My Secret Love

No one knows, until now. I am desperately in love with conservative author and pundit Ann Coulter. My soul grows warm with each word that flows out of her luscious mouth. The way she simplifies even the most difficult issue and then trivializes it sets young men's heart aflutter.

Ann Coulter, the future mother of my children, the wind beneath my wings, the whole reason for my being.


You always know when you're in love with someone, but often we don't know that we know. I learned of my feelings for Ann (or my little sugar dumpling as I like to call her now) tonight. I was watching Scarborough Country for five minutes to fulfill my five-minute-a-year allocation of watching Scarborough Country, when my darling future bride appeared on screen. Of course, I love a strong independent woman, as is my little honey pie, but it was a specific moment that awoke me to our love.

My beautiful blonde was engaged in a diatribe against those liberal universities. And then it happened. The moment our love blossomed. She kept referring to how horrible and insane college professors are, specifically Ward Churchill. Well I had never heard of Mr. Churchill, so I assumed that my beau was correct in her analysis. I decided then and there that this beautiful woman was so articulate that her words had inspired me to continue my research for my paper on the Black Panthers and Hip Hop and their exertion of citizenship in the face of police brutality.

I looked down at my book and to my surprise, the book was written by Ward Churchill! I could not believe it! Something truly magical had taken place. And it was the most unlikely of attractions. Me, a short liberal Jewish man of 23 years, and her, a tall, blond, psychotic thing. It was like out of one of those fairy tales.

But this called my source into question. If my beloved questioned the author, then it must be true. "Maybe his book, Agents of Repression, was a work of fiction?" I thought, "Maybe there was no government conspiracy against dissent groups, such as the Black Panthers? Maybe COINTELPRO was simply liberal propaganda?"

I pondered on the possibility that the premise of my paper was a farce. After all, Ann Coulter is never wrong. Ward Churchill must be a lunatic, especially if he questions the government in any way, shape, or form! Excuse me, the GOVERNMENT!

What more can I say about my moofy poofy? Her nonsensical rants turn me on so. The way she has nothing intelligent or meaningful to bring into the political discourse in this country, lights my fire. But most of all, it is the way she allows herself to be peddled around, her looks exploited, for the good of her anti-feminist beliefs that makes me respect her and want to marry her.

You see Ann Coulter is above reasoning or logic. She doesn't have to "always make sense," or "have a point," or "need accurate information," or "know what the hell she's talking about," or "understand anything the least bit political," because she has something the others don't, moxy. Zazz. Sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong! So don't talk bad about my creamy potato, or you'll have to answer to me!

Ann, honey, call me.