Thursday, July 30, 2009

A UN Resolution, Seriously?

My fellow citizens, you may have heard that Tajikistan had a UN resolution proposed asking us to "cease and desist" from defending ourselves against a potential attack. Unfortunately, this despicable resolution was passed by the Security Council. On behalf of our nation, I would like to thank Russia and China for their support against the resolution and against Tajikistan's regrettable march towards war with our people.

But there is good news. The UN passed a fucking resolution against us. What's next, are they gonna call our mothers? Please. A promise from Bernie Madoff holds more weight. Oh no, if we don't comply with the UN, they might pass another resolution with even stronger language. Then we'd be in trouble!

Today's decrees
I decree that Tajikistan can go fuck themselves.

Due to apparent pressure from the US, Kyrgyzstan has withdrawn their offer allowing us access to the Manas Air Base in Bishkek. You know what, Kyrgyzstan can go fuck themselves too. And that goes for rest of them. We're not holding back any longer.

So, in summary: Fuck Tajikistan, fuck Kyrgyzstan, fuck Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan's cool, fuck Kazakhstan, we're out!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The UN Resolution

The scene: US/British officials to the UN meet with Russian/Chinese officials to the UN to discuss the vote on the upcoming resolution calling for the Dear and Fearless Leader to "cease and desist" in pursuing "aggressive actions" against Tajikistan.

Here is an excerpt from that not-secret-anymore meeting:

US Official: So, we all know why we're here. Either you guys will have to be the bad guys and vote against this resolution to protect Tajikistan or we'll have to- and claim it's somehow in our national interest.
Russian Official: It's your turn. We had to vote against Kosovo's independence.
US Official: Yeah, but we were real dicks about that whole Iraq thing. That one counts for a lot.
Chinese Official: He's right. That was pretty bad.
Russian Official: But Tajikistan is near both us and China. It will be hard to argue that it is in our national interest for them to be the victims of hostility.
US Official: Uh, dude. How was Iraq or, for that matter, Vietnam, in our nation's best interest. Just make some shit it up. Whatever.
British Official: I concur with my American comrade. Our countries are still attempting to overcome the pent up antagonism stemming from the whole Iraq episode.
Russian Official: Fine. We'll take it on the chin again this time. But you have to be the bad guys on the next vote.
Chinese Official: Why do we even have this stupid rule where two of us have to vote against perfectly valid resolutions?
US Official: C'mon China, you know why. We can't let the commoners know that we're actually working together to exploit them. These rivalries make them think we're actually serving our national interests and by extension, that of our people. That way they won't get wise to our shenanigans.
Chinese Official: Oh, right. I forgot.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Spitting the Truth


These are the Six Sectors of Saliva
P - Never give up, realize that, no matter what, you have value
H - Never put yourself above another human
L - Gain knowledge from others, learn different perspectives
E - Put yourself in other people's position, feel what they feel
G - Do and say what's in your heart, never be fake
M - Develop a set of rules and follow them

Monday, July 27, 2009

Evil Leaders League, Week 5

My ass is so sweaty from all this humidity. I wonder if there's a correlation being sweaty ass and torturing motherfuckers. Something to think about before you judge our evil competitors. In any event, let's get to the results. Vote in the poll at the official Evil Leaders League site.

Shwe vs Kim
Apparently, Burma's Than Shwe of Myanmar and Kim Jong-Il of North Korea are forming even closer ties, which could result in a possible nuclear Myanmar. If the diabolical duo become any closer, they might have to make an Asian sequel to Brokeback Mountain, starring these two. Hey, they both wear plenty of sparkles. For now, they're more like the Ripkens. Kim is an all-timer like Cal, while, like Billy, Shwe also plays ball.

To view the winner of each contest this week, check out the official Evil Leaders League site. To quote Robert Kennedy, "Some men see things as they are and say, 'Why?' I dream things that never were and say, 'Why Not?'"

Obiang vs Ahmadinejad
The word cannibal is often thrown around. The leader of Equatorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang knows this all too well. The citizens of his nation are starving and will sometimes do anything for food. So, to show solidarity with his poor constituency, he eats them. He's like a human-eating version of Gandhi. Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not just fighting against the Iranian opposition. No. He's fighting against the entire world, which has manifested itself in the form of the Iranian opposition. To turn a slightly-less fundamentalist version of yourself into the world's cause du jour, is evil au maximum. Forcing me to resort to speaking French makes it just that much worse.

al-Assad vs al-Bashir
A man walks down the street, he says, "Why am I soft in the middle now?" You can call him al-Assad, Bashar al-Assad, the president of Syria (yep, we're doing it again). He has gone soft. Soft on America. Soft on Israel. Soft on his wife's lavish spending sprees. But very hard for Obama. When it comes to Omar al-Bashir of Sudan, there were hints and allegations of genocide, which he dismisses as "incidents and accidents." So does the rest of Africa's leadership. The ICC's indictment of Omar al-Bashir on charges of genocide against the people of Darfur is turning into nothing more than a footnote. That's better than what the people of Darfur are turning into: footprints.

Chavez vs Aliyev
Hugo Chavez is the president of the socialist republic of Venezuela. Talk about dated- Stalin called, he wants his ideology back. Chavez said he'll create a socialist paradise even if he has to rule by decree, nationalize the media, and bully anyone who disagrees with him. You're going to do what he says and you're going to like it. That qualifies him to be my girlfriend. Ilham Aliyev is the president of Azer- Azerbai- Azerbaij- well, whatever. He recently engaged in peace talks with Armenia in Russia. Unless this is a ploy to curry favor on the international stage while cracking down on dissent at home, that's pretty gay. Which is it, Aliyev, do you want to be gay or evil? Pick one.

standings: Check out the ELL site

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Beat It

While I was running (without listening to music, that's cheating) in the Roland Park area, I heard someone screeching semi-rhythmically. As I became closer, I realized that person was attempting to sing Michael Jackson's Beat It.

I could say that this person's singing was like the sound a goat makes when it's being castrated, assuming that the goat was off beat, but that wouldn't do justice to the degree of horrendousness of the "singing." Beat It isn't even a tough song to at least get the rhythm down.

If that person happens to read this, all I want to say to you is: Please let the dead rest in peace. Michael Jackson went through enough during his life, between his father's abuse, dealing with his sexuality, and being the laughingstock of a generation, but I'm sure your singing was worse than all of it. Michael Jackson is somewhere feeling like shit for popularizing that song because of your singing. "If I never sang Beat It, no one would have ever had to listen to this idiot's version and the world would have been a better place," his spirit is thinking.

At the very least, Michael Jackson slept with other people's children, which is wrong. But not even he deserved to have his music defecated on like you did earlier today. Your singing not only made Michael Jackson turn over in his grave, but it ruined my life. I'll never be the same after discovering that those sounds exist in this world. You've crossed the thin line between life and death in offending people with your miserable singing. Why would you even try to sing? Do you despise humanity that much? There was just so much hate in each off key "note," Hitler would have been proud.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Goals for Baltimore

One of my goals since living in Baltimore has been to never pay for parking. I'm morally opposed to it. Well, it's coming up on a year since I moved here and I'm happy to report I haven't paid once!

Another goal I had was to make the lives of everyone around me better. I can report that one has been a miserable failure.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Dominican-Jewish Ironies

In 1937, Dominican dictator, Rafael Trujillo ordered the massacre of Haitians and black Dominicans as part of his Dominicanization process, which involved "whitening" the country. The next year, Trujillo was the only world leader to willingly accepted Jewish refugees, who were fleeing Nazi persecution, in hopes of continuing his process of Dominicanization. It's ironic that the Jews were wanted in the Dominican because they were considered white, while they were forced to flee their homelands precisely because they weren't considered white.

As part of the Jewish immigration to the Dominican Republic, an agricultural colony was formed in Sosua. The colony always enjoyed the support of the dictator until the day he died. Once Trujillo was assassinated, the Jewish settlers feared that their previous overt ties to Trujillo might cause them trouble. Ironically, the man who subsequently protected the colony was Antonio Imbert, one of only two members of the Trujillo assassination conspiracy to survive the wrath of the dictator's son in the weeks that followed the killing. (more at International Edition)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Meeting of Tajik Leaders

My fellow citizens, for the purposes of national security, we have obtained intelligence on a meeting between Tajikistan's President, Emomali Rahmon, and Foreign Minister, Hamrokhon Zarifi. Here is an excerpt of that meeting:

Foreign Minister Zarifi: I cannot believe the insolence of these people. I write a letter attempting to smooth relations between our two nations and their leader mocks me. I've never been so insulted.
President Rahmon (laughing): Shit man, he got you good!
Foreign Minister Zarifi: In all of my years as a diplomat, I cannot remember encountering such a wanton disdain of my character. It's really inappropriate.
President Rahmon (still laughing): Yeah, yeah. But funny as hell. I liked when he told you to eat a dick...
Foreign Minister Zarifi: He has made me and Tajikistan a laughing-stock of the world.
President Rahmon: ...And then he said, if you had any trouble, he knew firsthand that your wife was an expert. Hilarious!
Foreign Minister Zarifi: Something must be done, Mr. President. We cannot engage in trade deals with the stigma of being a clown of a nation.
President Rahmon: ...And then, and this is my favorite part, he said- hold on, hold on, let me collect myself-
Foreign Minister Zarifi: We need to take action, Mr. President. We must take action against this despotic ruler and his bellicose country!
President Rahmon: -That he hosted your family reunion on his balls! I couldn't stop laughing when I read that. You got burned bad. Worse than that Islamic dissident we lit on fire last week.
Foreign Minister Zarifi: Mr. President, stop laughing. The fate of our nation is at stake.
President Rahmon: Ok, ok. You're right. We'll have the U.N. Security Council draft a resolution.

Today's decrees
Tajikistan's threats against our proud country have been acknowledged and we will act accordingly.

We have entered into a bilateral agreement with Kyrgyzstan for the use of its Manas Air Base for the purposes of transporting non-lethal equipment to Tajikistan should we be forced into war over there. Rest assured, we'll secretly transport lethal equipment from there too. That's right, I said it. Who's gonna stop us?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Squandered Opportunities

Angola has been ravaged by war from the colonial period through much of its independence. Three fragmented groups, the MPLA, FNLA, and UNITA all fought to free its people and enjoy the spoils of power. After independence was won from Portugal in 1975, the MPLA took over the government. UNITA, backed by South Africa and, eventually, the U.S., violently challenged the rule of the MPLA, who was aided by the Soviet Union and Cuba.

After an extensive peace process resulted in the cessation of war in 1991, a national election was held. The incumbent president, Jose Eduardo dos Santos took the first round, but didn't garner the necessary 50% to avoid a runoff with UNITA's Jonas Savimbi. However, Savimbi cried foul and the war reignited. At that point, international opinion overwhelmingly turned against UNITA. The Lusaka Peace Process commenced in 1994, but had completely fallen apart by 1998. Savimbi was killed in 2002 and UNITA was overrun militarily. The war finally ended.

By agreement, the government was supposed to have held elections already. The brass of the MPLA has used war and its aftermath as excuses to avoid holding elections. Not only have the rights of Angolans been trampled on by both sides in the name of war, but the war has been used as a cover for dos Santos and his cohorts to exploit the country's vast oil wealth, while Savimbi and UNITA leaders took advantage of the nation's diamonds. The result has created a few wealthy and powerful individuals at the expense of the rest of the population. While Angola's GDP is one of the largest in Sub-Saharan Africa, almost none of that money finds its way towards improving the condition of the majority of Angolans. (International Edition)

Monday, July 20, 2009

Evil Leaders League, Week 4

Here is the Parade Magazine's World's Worst Dictators version of the Evil Leaders League, because (let's all say it together now) the worst dictators make the best evil leaders. Check out the official and, really, only Evil Leaders League site.

Obiang vs al-Assad
Like a big batch of diarrhea, Teodoro Obiang runs things in Equatorial Guinea. Like most African leaders in the 1990s, he acknowledged the world's shift toward democracy. Some leaders embraced the ideology all out. Obiang wasn't one of those. Instead, he embraced punishing anyone who dare lay a finger on his grasp of power. His preferred method of punishment was forcing victims to try and locate Equatorial Guinea on a map and then spell it correctly. Bashar al-Assad is the president of Syria. His government has seen warming relations with both the U.S. and Israel. His funding of terrorist organizations and ugly unwaxed unibrow keep him two spots ahead of Obiang on Parade's list, at 12th and 14th respectively.

To view the winner of each contest this week, check out the official Evil Leaders League site. Your mother would want you to. Unless your mother is Andrea Yates. Then she wants you to drown to your death.

Aliyev vs Shwe
Ilham Aliyev, who is the boss in Azerbaijan, didn't make the cut, mostly because no one at Parade could get close enough on spelling "Azerbaijan" for spellcheck to even provide a suggestion. Aliyev is the leader of an oil and gas laden country, who rules with an ironfist- literally, he's very germ-conscious. Than Shwe of Burma and Myanmar fell to 4th place. Two million people were left homeless because of last year's cyclone and subprime mortgage fiasco. Shwe dealt with the crises by passing a new constitution that declared, "Homeless people are not the government's problem. Get a job, losers." The Burmese constitution has a lot in common with the Republican Party platform.

Ahmadinejad vs al-Bashir
Iran's short sexy bearded leader is named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I love the way he spouts off crazy threats, makes Holocaust jokes, and mocks elections. He's my role model! And apparently, he's a good role model to have because he didn't make Parade's list. Probably because the real leader of Iran is the Supreme Ayatollah, and ELL Season 5 failure, Ali Khamenei. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir, the 2nd worst dictator, recently had to cancel a trip to Uganda. He hates paying extra fees for checking his bags. I can relate. Plus, he's wanted by the International Criminal Court on charges of genocide. I can't relate as much to that one.

Kim vs Chavez
Kim Jong-Il, who came in 3rd, leads North Korea until he dies. Kim spends his days lamenting his pancreatic cancer. Why him? And not one of the hundreds of thousands of little children locked up in his labor camps? The world can be so unfair. The Venezuelan president is Hugo Chavez. If you've followed the ELL, you know that Chavez never makes Parade's list because he's technically not a dictator. His country is a democracy. Granted, his country has elections like I talk to women. It occasionally happens, but it doesn't seem to go well. And the result's never fair. And someone usually ends up in jail.

standings: Check out the ELL site

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Nats Miraculous Turnaround

The Nats front office is filled with a bunch of geniuses. They realized that Manny Acta was holding back this group of supremely talented ball players. So they correctly got rid of him. And look at the results!

Manager Jim Riggleman has led the Nats to a 4 game sweep of the Chicago Cubs. The switch woke up the Nats slumbering bats. And now they all field like they're a bunch of Ozzie Smiths! The front office was right, the Nats roster isn't filled with terrible players, they just needed to be properly motivated. I really believe the Nats will be in playoff contention by the end of the year at this rate. The Cubs are one of the best teams in baseball and the Nats have finally learned how to hold home field advantage. I was wrong; the Lerners are not a bunch of clueless pinheads and Stan Kasten isn't a gutless ball of swine. You know what I say to Manny Acta: Good riddance!

author's note: written during the all star break while high on valium

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Our Rebuttal

I am sick of Tajikistan's condescension. The foreign minister wants to "move forward in friendship," what are we, kindergarteners? What's next, are they going to ask to share our Lunchables? You've upped the ante, Tajikistan. You've been warned.

Today's decrees
It is hereby decreed that Tajikistan Foreign Minister, Hamrokhon Zarifi, can eat a dick. If he has any trouble eating a dick, I know firsthand that he can ask his wife for tips. I recently hosted the Zarifi family reunion on my balls.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Letter from Tajikistan's Foreign Minister

To the Dear and Fearless Leader,

I am writing you today, Sir, in the hopes of ending the diplomatic tension that has troubled recent relations between our two great countries. I am sure that both of us are reasonable men and would desire nothing more than for our two nations to move forward in friendship.

In recent weeks, you, the Honorable Fosterer of Intellect, have issued some decrees that have created angst here in Tajikistan. You decreed that we "Tajiks smell like rotten bananas" and called "on all nations of the free and civilized world to honor our trade embargo of Tajikistan, specifically regarding cashews and cashew-related products." You also stated in a speech that our "nose hairs look like a series of shrimps' digestive tracts desperately trying to escape from [our] nostrils." We in Tajikistan do not believe these comments comply with traditional standards of diplomacy or international decorum.

Tajikistan would be willing to do whatever is necessary to cast aside this recent unpleasantness and start anew. We ask for your assistance in moving forward together.

With the utmost respect,
Mr. Hamrokhon Zarifi
Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Republic of Tajikistan

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Pink Eye is the New AIDS

Pink eye is the new AIDS. When people find out you have pink eye, they cringe and exclaim, "Get away from me!" They're very judgmental, "What'd you do to get it?" they ask in disgust. I know; I recently had it.

This intolerance has got to stop in the name of human decency. We are past the point where we disparage others over a disease. We must lift the horrendous stigma against people with pink eye.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Choking on a Mozzarella Stick

On Monday, I was enjoying some off-brand mozzarellas sticks when near-disaster struck.

I bit into the first stick and, instead of ripping off the cheese, kept eating. Eventually, the cheese became caught in my throat. I started choking. I wondered if I was breathing anymore.

I was reluctant to try to get the cheese out because I didn't want to waste it. This stuff isn't free, you know. It's a tough economy. At some point, I realized that I wouldn't enjoy anymore mozzarella sticks if I didn't act fast. I started punching the spot where you're supposed to apply the Heimlich. It loosened the cheese in my throat a bit. Then, I stuck my hand down my throat and yanked at the cheese. The cheese snapped in half, but the yank made me throw up the rest of the cheese.

My life didn't flash before my eyes, but my death did. I could see it, buried in the Metro section of the Washington Post, "Man Chokes to Death on Mozzarella Stick." At first, the episode would have been tragic. But after a while, I'll admit, it'd be pretty funny.

I caught my breath and finished the rest of the mozzarella sticks. Through it all, I did have a life-changing revelation... smaller bites.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Acta Fired

The Nats fired their manager, Manny Acta, yesterday. This is a sign of a dysfunctional organization and it begins at the top with the Lerners. The Lerners took over and unceremoniously disposed of the then manager, Hall of Famer Frank Robinson. In his stead, they hired a bright young manager for the future. But that manager, Acta, was never given enough talent to compete. Yet, he managed to pull a fourth place finish out of his ass in 2007.

The organization admitted (far too late) that Acta didn't have enough talent to work with when they fired the general manager, Jim Bowden, at the beginning of this season. Despite that admission, the organization decided to also fire Acta, in what can only be described as a bizarre move. Sure, the Nats are by far the worst team in the league. The record is not the only indication of this. So are the names on the roster.

When you hire a manager for the future, you shouldn't fire him after 2 and half years, when the miracle turnaround (predictably) doesn't happen.

My fear is that this will be the norm. The Nats' manager won't have enough talent to win, will be canned every couple of years, and we'll start the cycle all over again. For Acta, it's probably the best news he's heard all year. He's sure to eventually land another job as the boss and, by the law of physics, it will have to be in a better situation.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Evil Leaders League, Week 3

32.7% of the global supply of famous people have died over the past 3 weeks. Hopefully some of our heroic competitors will join that trend. Check out the infamous Evil Leaders League site.

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Omar al-Bashir, the leader of Sudan, wakes up every morning with his future still in the air. That's one thing hundreds of thousands of black Africans from Darfur don't have to worry about. Because they're dead. Omar is worried about being prosecuted for the murders of those very people. You know what they say: "Not knowing is the worst," which means al-Bashir is the real victim. Than Shwe heads up both Burma and Myanmar. His favorite hobby is violating people's human rights. That hobby is the reason UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon is in hot water (not literally. But, in Burma, he might be the only one). People don't think Ban has put enough pressure on Shwe. Hey, leave Ban alone! He asked him nicely, what else can he do?

To view the winner of each contest this week, check out the official Evil Leaders League site. Because not knowing is the worst.

Kim vs al-Assad
Kim Jong-Il leads North Korea for now. He reportedly has terminal pancreatic cancer. We at ELL headquarters have obtained a copy of his "bucket list":
1) starve own people ✔
2) threaten everyone with nuclear weapons ✔
3) dip balls in magic shell, freeze for 30 seconds, then tell South Korea to "eat my chocolate-covered nuts!"
4) right before the end, give the world a big surprise, shhh ;)
The Syrian president goes by the title Bashar al-Assad. Loosely translated, his name means "Bashar the-Assad" (we recently uncovered that our Arabic translator was gay, so we had to fire him). The only one more smitten with Barack Obama than MSNBC is al-Assad, who has requested an "informal" meeting with the U.S. president. Topics on the docket include: A possible two-state solution, the fate of the Golan Heights, and last but not least, how Barack got to be so dreamy.

Obiang vs Chavez
Apparently, The New York Times' main source for all things Equatorial Guinea, and its leader Teodoro Obiang, is the ELL. The Times recently reported that Obiang is corrupt. Shocking! Obiang steals billions of dollars from his country's oil revenues. What does he spend the money on? You guessed it... candy cigarettes, so he can look cool in front of his friends. Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez, is like that guy you went to college with- the really pretentious one, who used to scream at everyone through a bullhorn about some cause or another and claimed he hooked up with every hippie girl on campus. Turns out that guy grew up to forcefully censor anyone who criticizes his policies. See Sheryl, told ya that guy was a phony!

Aliyev vs Ahmadinejad
Ilham Aliyev, the ugly ruler of Azerbaijan, decided to give his land's gas to Russia, perhaps fraudulently. Just putting that out there. Aliyev is a tragic figure in that he lives beneath the pervasive shadow of his father, who was a way better dictator than Ilham. At least, when he goes to restaurants, the waitress doesn't fawn all over his brother totally ignoring him in the process. Just putting that out there. I might be crazy, but I'm just not that impressed by the evilness of Iran's leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. So he stole an election and then claimed that he somehow has a mandate. Most people assume that an older man lurking in the shadows holds most of the power anyway. That all sounds very American to me. But the short bearded look isn't American, it's just sexy.

standings: Check out the ELL site

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Miracle of Hair Regrowth

Not only do these products give you the ability to regrow your hair, they also give you the ability to completely change your face... and dare I say, your entire being.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Death By Choice

As your beloved and benevolent leader, it is my duty to announce the tragic death of Hermann Buttersward. Hermann Buttersward, who was a journalist under the pen name John Wallibee, died today of an apparent suicide. He reportedly tied himself up and slowly lowered himself into a shark tank. That seems to be a popular method of suicide of late. It is sad that a man in a position of power could throw it all away by desecrating his own country. His suicide note has been attained.

Dear World,
I feel as if I have failed my country and its Dear and Fearless Leader and must pay with my own life. Long live the Great Protector of the Populace! See you on the other side.
Hermann Buttersward

A shame really. In other news, Tajikistan is at it again. They recently made negative references to our mothers.

Today's decrees
All persons who commit the heinous act of suicide by slowly lowering themselves into a shark tank will henceforth be considered persona non grata in our nation.

We call on all nations of the free and civilized world to honor our trade embargo of Tajikistan, specifically regarding cashews and cashew-related products.

Friday, July 10, 2009

A Question of Fairness

We greeted this administration, when it took over earlier this year, with great optimism. We were promised that the social order would become fairer. We assumed that hostilities with foreign nations would be avoided. Instead, we have been discouraged.

We can excuse some our Dear and Fearless Leader's more eccentric decrees. Of course mandating that every fourth child be named after the Great Protector of the Populace, is quite self-indulgent. But power's influence on one's ego spreads like that of untreated cancer. Simply put, certain whimsical decrees can be expected from a new leader.

However, there are limits to the level of self-absorption that a populace should be required to take. Burning vegetables and banning Jeff Goldblum are endeavors that will always be recounted by future historians when describing the regime of His Excellency, Pope Delicious I. But they don't really hurt anyone. They are bizarre attempts by this leadership to gain legitimacy and to distinguish itself from (the failures of) previous leaders.

Recently, the Grand Promoter of Happiness has crossed the line, however. In an attempt to explain away his early failures, the so-called Savior of the People has concocted a tense situation with the people of Tajikistan. He has done so, according to his statements, for the sake of national pride. Let there be no doubt that the real reason for this new crisis is to create a diversion from some of our leader's less desirable policies. Take, for example, his last two decrees. In his first, the leader states that our nation will not allow itself to be the victim of Tajikstan's insults. That is consistent with the official line. Now let's look at the second decree; the one claiming that Tajiks smell like rotten pieces of fruit. This is meant solely for the purpose of exacerbating the strain between our great land and Tajikistan in order to perpetuate the distraction.

I ask the leadership of our beautiful and wonderful country to refrain from creating a foreign policy based on self-fulfilling prophecies and to allow the population the right to criticize it in the name of democracy. In the name of Fairness.

John Wallibee reporting

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Potentially Under Attack

As you well know, my dear citizens, things have not been going well in our fair country. Many of you are blaming me. Apparently, you don't particularly like our sagging economy, my irrational hatred of Evangelical Presbyterians, my propensity to feed dissidents to the sharks, and my habitual raping of women ("rape" is such a strong word. I prefer to think of it as "unwitting sexual relations").

My bad. Every leader needs a feeling out period with his constituency. I vow to improve. In the meantime, I've heard a few belligerent words aimed at us out of the mouths of government officials from Tajikistan. My fellow countrymen, we cannot accept any attacks directed at our national pride.

Today's decrees
Tajikistan has been duly warned to cease and desist all verbal attacks directed at our nation.

It has been decreed that Tajiks smell like rotten bananas.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

What Women Are Thinking

The following are the thoughts of three random women as they walk towards me on the sidewalk.

Woman #1:
"Oh, he's such a cute boy... Kinda hairy though... Nope, that's a tiny man."

Woman #2:
"He's cute... Hmm, is that a smile or does he just have gas... Yeesh, he just tripped a little... Why does he keep pulling up his pants... What a geek."

Woman #3:
"Is that a wolfboy... It is a wolfboy! AAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHH, HELP ME JESUS!"

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Jewish Children's Books Series #4

Mommy, Why Did the Man Take a Picture of Me while I was Driving Wearing a Yarmulke?
A HarazQuack Publication

"Because, Shlomo," said Mamala, "some people are bigoted assholes."
"Yes. They treat others like animals. With no empathy or regard for how they might feel."
"These are bad people."
"No, Shlomo. They just don't know any better. They haven't met people who are different from themselves, so they don't know how to deal with others. They are either not able, or simply don't, put themselves in the position that they are putting others in. They lack empathy."
"I'd like to take pictures of the Gentiles and then put it in a newspaper. Then I would write a demeaning caption underneath the picture."
Mamala scowled. "What good would that do? Just because someone dehumanizes you, you shouldn't dehumanize them. Just don't allow them to dehumanize you. Wear your yarmulke proud. And tell those bigots to go fuck themselves."
"Ok, Mamala. I will."
"Good night Shlomo."

Monday, July 06, 2009

Daring and Courageous

Last Thursday I did the most daring and courageous thing I've ever done in my life. In fact, I don't know if I'll ever be able to top it. It is rare that we exceed our own expectations of ourselves. Usually we know where our limits lie. But, sometimes, we are forced to go beyond ourselves. A moment just like that occurred last Thursday.

So what did I do that was so daring and courageous? While sitting in traffic on the Jersey Turnpike, I.... kept... my window... open!

It surely took 10 years off of my life. The air must be the reason why people in New Jersey are so stupid. When going north on the Jersey Turnpike, at around Exit 8a, the road expands from 3 lanes to 6. You'd think that would alleviate any traffic that there was. Instead, there is always traffic at that point. It's so frustrating. When the lanes split, I think these morons just sit there trying to decide which one to go into.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

The Pass

There are moments that redefine our notions of certain words. This was one of them.

Last Sunday, I threw a left-handed behind-the-back pass through the legs of the defender right on target to a teammate. It was easily the high point of my life.

A guy I've played with for many years, Joe*,- who has me by only a couple of inches, but is wider than I am- was guarding me. I received the ball and faked as if I was going to throw a pass through his legs. He shut that window tight. I decided to move and see what would happen.

I took one dribble to the left and saw his legs spreading apart. I had a better angle to go through Joe's legs if I went behind my back; plus it gave me the added bonus of creating deception. He was moving to his right so that I wouldn't go by him. His right leg went first, providing the opportunity to pass it through his legs. I let it go and it was a thing of beauty.

It was as if I was playing miniature golf and his legs were the clown’s mouth, opening just in time to let the ball go through. Except that I did it left-handed, went behind my back, and the obstacle was capable of free will.

There are a few accomplishments that I'm proud of in my life. I was able to observe the fast for the holy month of Ramadan in support of my friend. After struggling in high school, I turned things around in college and eventually achieved a master's degree. When a family member dies, I feel that I have been a pillar of strength for my family. I'm proud of those things. But all of them combined pale in comparison to The Pass.

My teammate Mike received The Pass. I had hoped that The Pass would inspire Mike to make a strong move against the man guarding him; his defender had started in front of Mike on their high school team. Instead, Mike meekly passed the ball back to me and I missed a chip shot, far too please with what I had just done to concentrate.

Author's note
* names have been changed to prevent the humiliation of the innocent

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

The Girls are After Me

A number of my 12-13 year old female students have crushes on me. The question becomes: Why? Why am I so appealing to girls of that and only that age?

After doing some soul searching, I came up with an answer. I have a lot more going on than your average 12 or 13 year old boy. I have a car. I have my own place. I have a job. I can grow facial hair. I have more confidence. I dress better. I floss regularly. I take showers. I'm more worldly. I'm stronger. I understand how prophetic the show Cheap Seats was- particularly their episode on the 1996 U.S. Poker Championships in which they made both a Farrah Faucett and a Michael Jackson referrence in the same show 4 years before they both died. I have the emotional capacity to despise Jeff Goldblum and, even though Jeff Goldblum was on the Colbert Report three times recently, still hold no animosity towards Stephen Colbert. And I have the ability to throw behind-the-back passes through people's legs, but more on that later.

When you're 12 or 13, you want as many 12 or 13 year old girls after you as is possible. When you're 27, it's unbelievably uncomfortable.