As you well know, my dear citizens, things have not been going well in our fair country. Many of you are blaming me. Apparently, you don't particularly like our sagging economy, my irrational hatred of Evangelical Presbyterians, my propensity to feed dissidents to the sharks, and my habitual raping of women ("rape" is such a strong word. I prefer to think of it as "unwitting sexual relations").
My bad. Every leader needs a feeling out period with his constituency. I vow to improve. In the meantime, I've heard a few belligerent words aimed at us out of the mouths of government officials from Tajikistan. My fellow countrymen, we cannot accept any attacks directed at our national pride.
Today's decrees
Tajikistan has been duly warned to cease and desist all verbal attacks directed at our nation.
It has been decreed that Tajiks smell like rotten bananas.
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