The Tajikistan Crisis Revisted

Tension with the Unknown - The Tajikistan Crisis
A HarazQuack Times Special Report

• The crisis seems to have begun on July 9 when the Dear and Fearless Leader claimed that Tajik officials were making derogatory comments against the citizens of his country and he answered back in kind, asserting that "Tajiks smell like rotten bananas."
• The next day, Hermann Buttersward , writing under the name John Wallibee, courageous published a piece claiming that the Dear and Fearless Leader's comments were intended to stir up trouble with Tajikistan in order to distract the nation from the foundering economy.
• On the very next day, it was reported that Hermann Buttersward had committed suicide, although the circumstances surrounding his death were suspicious and no one really seems to know what happened. That same day, the Dear and Fearless Leader upped the ante by calling for a cashew-related embargo against Tajikistan.
• On July 17, the Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Republic of Tajikistan, Hamrokhon Zarifi, wrote a letter to the Dear and Fearless Leader which was immediately publicized. The letter called for the two nations to work together to end the rising tension.
• The following day, the Dear and Fearless Leader publicly derided the letter and denounced Zarifi for being condescending.
• On July 22, a secret meeting between Tajikistan's President Emomali Rahmon and Zarifi was made public. In the meeting, Zarifi argues that action must be taken as a result of the Dear and Fearless Leader's insulting comments at the Foreign Minister's expense. Rahmon decides to have a UN resolution written up. Because of the meeting, the Dear and Fearless Leader made a deal with Kyrgyzstan for use of its Manas Air Base in preparation for war.
• After the UN resolution was introduced to the Security Counsel, a discussion between the US/Britain and Russia/China officials was uncovered, where it was decided that Russia and China would vote against the resolution. The contents of that meeting were made public on July 29.
• The next day, the Dear and Fearless Leader mocked the idea of a UN resolution. It was also reported that Kyrgyzstan withdrew its offer for use of Manas Air Base. At this point, the Dear and Fearless Leader could only count Russia, China, and Turkmenistan in his corner.
• With the world's opinion turning against his country, on August 5, op-ed writer Bradley Benny cautiously, yet heroically, apologized for his role in fueling the Tajikistan Crisis and asked the Dear and Fearless Leader to squash the tensions between the two countries.
• Two days later, Bradley Benny was found dead. His testicles were severed and shoved down his throat. The administration claimed it was another suicide. That same day, with a fresh world-wide embargo against his land, the Dear and Fearless Leader, now a global pariah, instituted a new strategy called, "Destructive Engagement," a defensive policy meant to save face. Destructive Engagement was effectively the end of the Tajikistan Crisis as Tajikistan recognized that the Dear and Fearless Leader no longer posed a threat, particularly since the entire world was against him.
• On August 9, The HarazQuack Times produced a special report on the Tajikistan Crisis.

So what is next for the Dear and Fearless Leader and his country? It is likely that he will remain in power for quite some time, as he is popular within his beleaguered nation. Whether or not he can repair relations with the world's leaders remains to be seen.

The World is Against Us

My fellow citizens, you may have noticed fewer goods on the shelves. You can blame it on the world. They don't want to recognize our right to protect ourselves against Tajikistan's aggression by going over there and kicking their asses.

That has put me in a tough position. But, like a true leader, I have acted in a manner that will best serve my people. You will have goods on the shelves soon. To protect us I have taken the liberty of devising a new strategy called "Destructive Engagement." If Tajikistan engages us over here, we will destroy them. Sound good? I thought so.

I would also like to take this time to express official condolences to the family of Bradley Benny. The great man, who professed his utmost respect for me, took his own life earlier today. He hung himself by his balls until they separated from his body and subsequently shoved them down his own throat until he choked to death. Don't judge him.

Today's decrees
You already know about "Destructive Engagement."

I proclaim this the end of The Tajikistan Crisis. We didn't ask for it. It was brought upon us. But each citizen of this great nation can take pride in his or her role towards achieving the goal of making this a safer country. It will never truly be safe as long as evil doers such as Tajikistan's Foreign Minister, Hamrokhon Zarifi, roam the Earth. That guy really irks me. Anyway, I hope you all celebrate our triumph in averting the Sam Adams Lite War with Tajikistan™ with a tall cool glass of Sam Adams Lite. Sam Adams Lite, the best tasting lite beer™.

A Plea for My Country

During these times, we must tread carefully. However, there are situations that arise which force us to face the unknown. I understand the risk. My family understands the risk. But I've reached a realization that if I do not say something, the result would be worse than if I do. For the sake of my children, I must protest the direction our Dear and Fearless Leader is taking us.

We have come to near-war with the impoverished nation of Tajikistan. We are meant to believe that this fight is crucial to our national security. I have contributed to this perception and for that, I ask for forgiveness from my people. Fear erases morals. The reality is that Tajikistan poses no threat. they are a poor country, filled with people who are looking for the same lessons in life that we are. it's true, a few have committed acts of violence, but we must ask ourselves, should a country's worth of people suffer for the acts of a few?

Our nation is facing tough times. This war, if it happens, won't help anything. I must profess my utmost respect for the Savior of the People, but, asking for his merciful kindness, I believe it is my duty to publish my opinion as to the war.

Bradley Benny Op-Ed Writer

A UN Resolution, Seriously?

My fellow citizens, you may have heard that Tajikistan had a UN resolution proposed asking us to "cease and desist" from defending ourselves against a potential attack. Unfortunately, this despicable resolution was passed by the Security Council. On behalf of our nation, I would like to thank Russia and China for their support against the resolution and against Tajikistan's regrettable march towards war with our people.

But there is good news. The UN passed a fucking resolution against us. What's next, are they gonna call our mothers? Please. A promise from Bernie Madoff holds more weight. Oh no, if we don't comply with the UN, they might pass another resolution with even stronger language. Then we'd be in trouble!

Today's decrees
I decree that Tajikistan can go fuck themselves.

Due to apparent pressure from the US, Kyrgyzstan has withdrawn their offer allowing us access to the Manas Air Base in Bishkek. You know what, Kyrgyzstan can go fuck themselves too. And that goes for rest of them. We're not holding back any longer.

So, in summary: Fuck Tajikistan, fuck Kyrgyzstan, fuck Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan's cool, fuck Kazakhstan, we're out!

The UN Resolution

The scene: US/British officials to the UN meet with Russian/Chinese officials to the UN to discuss the vote on the upcoming resolution calling for the Dear and Fearless Leader to "cease and desist" in pursuing "aggressive actions" against Tajikistan.

Here is an excerpt from that not-secret-anymore meeting:

US Official: So, we all know why we're here. Either you guys will have to be the bad guys and vote against this resolution to protect Tajikistan or we'll have to- and claim it's somehow in our national interest.
Russian Official: It's your turn. We had to vote against Kosovo's independence.
US Official: Yeah, but we were real dicks about that whole Iraq thing. That one counts for a lot.
Chinese Official: He's right. That was pretty bad.
Russian Official: But Tajikistan is near both us and China. It will be hard to argue that it is in our national interest for them to be the victims of hostility.
US Official: Uh, dude. How was Iraq or, for that matter, Vietnam, in our nation's best interest. Just make some shit it up. Whatever.
British Official: I concur with my American comrade. Our countries are still attempting to overcome the pent up antagonism stemming from the whole Iraq episode.
Russian Official: Fine. We'll take it on the chin again this time. But you have to be the bad guys on the next vote.
Chinese Official: Why do we even have this stupid rule where two of us have to vote against perfectly valid resolutions?
US Official: C'mon China, you know why. We can't let the commoners know that we're actually working together to exploit them. These rivalries make them think we're actually serving our national interests and by extension, that of our people. That way they won't get wise to our shenanigans.
Chinese Official: Oh, right. I forgot.

The Meeting of Tajik Leaders

My fellow citizens, for the purposes of national security, we have obtained intelligence on a meeting between Tajikistan's President, Emomali Rahmon, and Foreign Minister, Hamrokhon Zarifi. Here is an excerpt of that meeting:

Foreign Minister Zarifi: I cannot believe the insolence of these people. I write a letter attempting to smooth relations between our two nations and their leader mocks me. I've never been so insulted.
President Rahmon (laughing): Shit man, he got you good!
Foreign Minister Zarifi: In all of my years as a diplomat, I cannot remember encountering such a wanton disdain of my character. It's really inappropriate.
President Rahmon (still laughing): Yeah, yeah. But funny as hell. I liked when he told you to eat a dick...
Foreign Minister Zarifi: He has made me and Tajikistan a laughing-stock of the world.
President Rahmon: ...And then he said, if you had any trouble, he knew firsthand that your wife was an expert. Hilarious!
Foreign Minister Zarifi: Something must be done, Mr. President. We cannot engage in trade deals with the stigma of being a clown of a nation.
President Rahmon: ...And then, and this is my favorite part, he said- hold on, hold on, let me collect myself-
Foreign Minister Zarifi: We need to take action, Mr. President. We must take action against this despotic ruler and his bellicose country!
President Rahmon: -That he hosted your family reunion on his balls! I couldn't stop laughing when I read that. You got burned bad. Worse than that Islamic dissident we lit on fire last week.
Foreign Minister Zarifi: Mr. President, stop laughing. The fate of our nation is at stake.
President Rahmon: Ok, ok. You're right. We'll have the U.N. Security Council draft a resolution.

Today's decrees
Tajikistan's threats against our proud country have been acknowledged and we will act accordingly.

We have entered into a bilateral agreement with Kyrgyzstan for the use of its Manas Air Base for the purposes of transporting non-lethal equipment to Tajikistan should we be forced into war over there. Rest assured, we'll secretly transport lethal equipment from there too. That's right, I said it. Who's gonna stop us?

Our Rebuttal

I am sick of Tajikistan's condescension. The foreign minister wants to "move forward in friendship," what are we, kindergarteners? What's next, are they going to ask to share our Lunchables? You've upped the ante, Tajikistan. You've been warned.

Today's decrees
It is hereby decreed that Tajikistan Foreign Minister, Hamrokhon Zarifi, can eat a dick. If he has any trouble eating a dick, I know firsthand that he can ask his wife for tips. I recently hosted the Zarifi family reunion on my balls.

Letter from Tajikistan's Foreign Minister

To the Dear and Fearless Leader,

I am writing you today, Sir, in the hopes of ending the diplomatic tension that has troubled recent relations between our two great countries. I am sure that both of us are reasonable men and would desire nothing more than for our two nations to move forward in friendship.

In recent weeks, you, the Honorable Fosterer of Intellect, have issued some decrees that have created angst here in Tajikistan. You decreed that we "Tajiks smell like rotten bananas" and called "on all nations of the free and civilized world to honor our trade embargo of Tajikistan, specifically regarding cashews and cashew-related products." You also stated in a speech that our "nose hairs look like a series of shrimps' digestive tracts desperately trying to escape from [our] nostrils." We in Tajikistan do not believe these comments comply with traditional standards of diplomacy or international decorum.

Tajikistan would be willing to do whatever is necessary to cast aside this recent unpleasantness and start anew. We ask for your assistance in moving forward together.

With the utmost respect,
Mr. Hamrokhon Zarifi
Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Republic of Tajikistan

Death By Choice

As your beloved and benevolent leader, it is my duty to announce the tragic death of Hermann Buttersward. Hermann Buttersward, who was a journalist under the pen name John Wallibee, died today of an apparent suicide. He reportedly tied himself up and slowly lowered himself into a shark tank. That seems to be a popular method of suicide of late. It is sad that a man in a position of power could throw it all away by desecrating his own country. His suicide note has been attained.

Dear World,
I feel as if I have failed my country and its Dear and Fearless Leader and must pay with my own life. Long live the Great Protector of the Populace! See you on the other side.
Peace,
Hermann Buttersward

A shame really. In other news, Tajikistan is at it again. They recently made negative references to our mothers.

Today's decrees
All persons who commit the heinous act of suicide by slowly lowering themselves into a shark tank will henceforth be considered persona non grata in our nation.

We call on all nations of the free and civilized world to honor our trade embargo of Tajikistan, specifically regarding cashews and cashew-related products.

A Question of Fairness

We greeted this administration, when it took over earlier this year, with great optimism. We were promised that the social order would become fairer. We assumed that hostilities with foreign nations would be avoided. Instead, we have been discouraged.

We can excuse some our Dear and Fearless Leader's more eccentric decrees. Of course mandating that every fourth child be named after the Great Protector of the Populace, is quite self-indulgent. But power's influence on one's ego spreads like that of untreated cancer. Simply put, certain whimsical decrees can be expected from a new leader.

However, there are limits to the level of self-absorption that a populace should be required to take. Burning vegetables and banning Jeff Goldblum are endeavors that will always be recounted by future historians when describing the regime of His Excellency, Pope Delicious I. But they don't really hurt anyone. They are bizarre attempts by this leadership to gain legitimacy and to distinguish itself from (the failures of) previous leaders.

Recently, the Grand Promoter of Happiness has crossed the line, however. In an attempt to explain away his early failures, the so-called Savior of the People has concocted a tense situation with the people of Tajikistan. He has done so, according to his statements, for the sake of national pride. Let there be no doubt that the real reason for this new crisis is to create a diversion from some of our leader's less desirable policies. Take, for example, his last two decrees. In his first, the leader states that our nation will not allow itself to be the victim of Tajikstan's insults. That is consistent with the official line. Now let's look at the second decree; the one claiming that Tajiks smell like rotten pieces of fruit. This is meant solely for the purpose of exacerbating the strain between our great land and Tajikistan in order to perpetuate the distraction.

I ask the leadership of our beautiful and wonderful country to refrain from creating a foreign policy based on self-fulfilling prophecies and to allow the population the right to criticize it in the name of democracy. In the name of Fairness.

John Wallibee reporting

Potentially Under Attack

As you well know, my dear citizens, things have not been going well in our fair country. Many of you are blaming me. Apparently, you don't particularly like our sagging economy, my irrational hatred of Evangelical Presbyterians, my propensity to feed dissidents to the sharks, and my habitual raping of women ("rape" is such a strong word. I prefer to think of it as "unwitting sexual relations").

My bad. Every leader needs a feeling out period with his constituency. I vow to improve. In the meantime, I've heard a few belligerent words aimed at us out of the mouths of government officials from Tajikistan. My fellow countrymen, we cannot accept any attacks directed at our national pride.

Today's decrees
Tajikistan has been duly warned to cease and desist all verbal attacks directed at our nation.

It has been decreed that Tajiks smell like rotten bananas.