My fellow citizens, you may have noticed fewer goods on the shelves. You can blame it on the world. They don't want to recognize our right to protect ourselves against Tajikistan's aggression by going over there and kicking their asses.
That has put me in a tough position. But, like a true leader, I have acted in a manner that will best serve my people. You will have goods on the shelves soon. To protect us I have taken the liberty of devising a new strategy called "Destructive Engagement." If Tajikistan engages us over here, we will destroy them. Sound good? I thought so.
I would also like to take this time to express official condolences to the family of Bradley Benny. The great man, who professed his utmost respect for me, took his own life earlier today. He hung himself by his balls until they separated from his body and subsequently shoved them down his own throat until he choked to death. Don't judge him.
Today's decrees
You already know about "Destructive Engagement."
I proclaim this the end of The Tajikistan Crisis. We didn't ask for it. It was brought upon us. But each citizen of this great nation can take pride in his or her role towards achieving the goal of making this a safer country. It will never truly be safe as long as evil doers such as Tajikistan's Foreign Minister, Hamrokhon Zarifi, roam the Earth. That guy really irks me. Anyway, I hope you all celebrate our triumph in averting the Sam Adams Lite War with Tajikistan™ with a tall cool glass of Sam Adams Lite. Sam Adams Lite, the best tasting lite beer™.
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