The Tajikistan Crisis Revisted

Tension with the Unknown - The Tajikistan Crisis
A HarazQuack Times Special Report

• The crisis seems to have begun on July 9 when the Dear and Fearless Leader claimed that Tajik officials were making derogatory comments against the citizens of his country and he answered back in kind, asserting that "Tajiks smell like rotten bananas."
• The next day, Hermann Buttersward , writing under the name John Wallibee, courageous published a piece claiming that the Dear and Fearless Leader's comments were intended to stir up trouble with Tajikistan in order to distract the nation from the foundering economy.
• On the very next day, it was reported that Hermann Buttersward had committed suicide, although the circumstances surrounding his death were suspicious and no one really seems to know what happened. That same day, the Dear and Fearless Leader upped the ante by calling for a cashew-related embargo against Tajikistan.
• On July 17, the Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Republic of Tajikistan, Hamrokhon Zarifi, wrote a letter to the Dear and Fearless Leader which was immediately publicized. The letter called for the two nations to work together to end the rising tension.
• The following day, the Dear and Fearless Leader publicly derided the letter and denounced Zarifi for being condescending.
• On July 22, a secret meeting between Tajikistan's President Emomali Rahmon and Zarifi was made public. In the meeting, Zarifi argues that action must be taken as a result of the Dear and Fearless Leader's insulting comments at the Foreign Minister's expense. Rahmon decides to have a UN resolution written up. Because of the meeting, the Dear and Fearless Leader made a deal with Kyrgyzstan for use of its Manas Air Base in preparation for war.
• After the UN resolution was introduced to the Security Counsel, a discussion between the US/Britain and Russia/China officials was uncovered, where it was decided that Russia and China would vote against the resolution. The contents of that meeting were made public on July 29.
• The next day, the Dear and Fearless Leader mocked the idea of a UN resolution. It was also reported that Kyrgyzstan withdrew its offer for use of Manas Air Base. At this point, the Dear and Fearless Leader could only count Russia, China, and Turkmenistan in his corner.
• With the world's opinion turning against his country, on August 5, op-ed writer Bradley Benny cautiously, yet heroically, apologized for his role in fueling the Tajikistan Crisis and asked the Dear and Fearless Leader to squash the tensions between the two countries.
• Two days later, Bradley Benny was found dead. His testicles were severed and shoved down his throat. The administration claimed it was another suicide. That same day, with a fresh world-wide embargo against his land, the Dear and Fearless Leader, now a global pariah, instituted a new strategy called, "Destructive Engagement," a defensive policy meant to save face. Destructive Engagement was effectively the end of the Tajikistan Crisis as Tajikistan recognized that the Dear and Fearless Leader no longer posed a threat, particularly since the entire world was against him.
• On August 9, The HarazQuack Times produced a special report on the Tajikistan Crisis.

So what is next for the Dear and Fearless Leader and his country? It is likely that he will remain in power for quite some time, as he is popular within his beleaguered nation. Whether or not he can repair relations with the world's leaders remains to be seen.