The scene: US/British officials to the UN meet with Russian/Chinese officials to the UN to discuss the vote on the upcoming resolution calling for the Dear and Fearless Leader to "cease and desist" in pursuing "aggressive actions" against Tajikistan.
Here is an excerpt from that not-secret-anymore meeting:
US Official: So, we all know why we're here. Either you guys will have to be the bad guys and vote against this resolution to protect Tajikistan or we'll have to- and claim it's somehow in our national interest.
Russian Official: It's your turn. We had to vote against Kosovo's independence.
US Official: Yeah, but we were real dicks about that whole Iraq thing. That one counts for a lot.
Chinese Official: He's right. That was pretty bad.
Russian Official: But Tajikistan is near both us and China. It will be hard to argue that it is in our national interest for them to be the victims of hostility.
US Official: Uh, dude. How was Iraq or, for that matter, Vietnam, in our nation's best interest. Just make some shit it up. Whatever.
British Official: I concur with my American comrade. Our countries are still attempting to overcome the pent up antagonism stemming from the whole Iraq episode.
Russian Official: Fine. We'll take it on the chin again this time. But you have to be the bad guys on the next vote.
Chinese Official: Why do we even have this stupid rule where two of us have to vote against perfectly valid resolutions?
US Official: C'mon China, you know why. We can't let the commoners know that we're actually working together to exploit them. These rivalries make them think we're actually serving our national interests and by extension, that of our people. That way they won't get wise to our shenanigans.
Chinese Official: Oh, right. I forgot.