To the Dear and Fearless Leader,
I am writing you today, Sir, in the hopes of ending the diplomatic tension that has troubled recent relations between our two great countries. I am sure that both of us are reasonable men and would desire nothing more than for our two nations to move forward in friendship.
In recent weeks, you, the Honorable Fosterer of Intellect, have issued some decrees that have created angst here in Tajikistan. You decreed that we "Tajiks smell like rotten bananas" and called "on all nations of the free and civilized world to honor our trade embargo of Tajikistan, specifically regarding cashews and cashew-related products." You also stated in a speech that our "nose hairs look like a series of shrimps' digestive tracts desperately trying to escape from [our] nostrils." We in Tajikistan do not believe these comments comply with traditional standards of diplomacy or international decorum.
Tajikistan would be willing to do whatever is necessary to cast aside this recent unpleasantness and start anew. We ask for your assistance in moving forward together.
With the utmost respect,
Mr. Hamrokhon Zarifi
Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Republic of Tajikistan
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