The Meeting of Tajik Leaders

My fellow citizens, for the purposes of national security, we have obtained intelligence on a meeting between Tajikistan's President, Emomali Rahmon, and Foreign Minister, Hamrokhon Zarifi. Here is an excerpt of that meeting:

Foreign Minister Zarifi: I cannot believe the insolence of these people. I write a letter attempting to smooth relations between our two nations and their leader mocks me. I've never been so insulted.
President Rahmon (laughing): Shit man, he got you good!
Foreign Minister Zarifi: In all of my years as a diplomat, I cannot remember encountering such a wanton disdain of my character. It's really inappropriate.
President Rahmon (still laughing): Yeah, yeah. But funny as hell. I liked when he told you to eat a dick...
Foreign Minister Zarifi: He has made me and Tajikistan a laughing-stock of the world.
President Rahmon: ...And then he said, if you had any trouble, he knew firsthand that your wife was an expert. Hilarious!
Foreign Minister Zarifi: Something must be done, Mr. President. We cannot engage in trade deals with the stigma of being a clown of a nation.
President Rahmon: ...And then, and this is my favorite part, he said- hold on, hold on, let me collect myself-
Foreign Minister Zarifi: We need to take action, Mr. President. We must take action against this despotic ruler and his bellicose country!
President Rahmon: -That he hosted your family reunion on his balls! I couldn't stop laughing when I read that. You got burned bad. Worse than that Islamic dissident we lit on fire last week.
Foreign Minister Zarifi: Mr. President, stop laughing. The fate of our nation is at stake.
President Rahmon: Ok, ok. You're right. We'll have the U.N. Security Council draft a resolution.

Today's decrees
Tajikistan's threats against our proud country have been acknowledged and we will act accordingly.

We have entered into a bilateral agreement with Kyrgyzstan for the use of its Manas Air Base for the purposes of transporting non-lethal equipment to Tajikistan should we be forced into war over there. Rest assured, we'll secretly transport lethal equipment from there too. That's right, I said it. Who's gonna stop us?