Evil Leaders League, Week 5

My ass is so sweaty from all this humidity. I wonder if there's a correlation being sweaty ass and torturing motherfuckers. Something to think about before you judge our evil competitors. In any event, let's get to the results. Vote in the poll at the official Evil Leaders League site.

Shwe vs Kim
Apparently, Burma's Than Shwe of Myanmar and Kim Jong-Il of North Korea are forming even closer ties, which could result in a possible nuclear Myanmar. If the diabolical duo become any closer, they might have to make an Asian sequel to Brokeback Mountain, starring these two. Hey, they both wear plenty of sparkles. For now, they're more like the Ripkens. Kim is an all-timer like Cal, while, like Billy, Shwe also plays ball.

To view the winner of each contest this week, check out the official Evil Leaders League site. To quote Robert Kennedy, "Some men see things as they are and say, 'Why?' I dream things that never were and say, 'Why Not?'"

Obiang vs Ahmadinejad
The word cannibal is often thrown around. The leader of Equatorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang knows this all too well. The citizens of his nation are starving and will sometimes do anything for food. So, to show solidarity with his poor constituency, he eats them. He's like a human-eating version of Gandhi. Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not just fighting against the Iranian opposition. No. He's fighting against the entire world, which has manifested itself in the form of the Iranian opposition. To turn a slightly-less fundamentalist version of yourself into the world's cause du jour, is evil au maximum. Forcing me to resort to speaking French makes it just that much worse.

al-Assad vs al-Bashir
A man walks down the street, he says, "Why am I soft in the middle now?" You can call him al-Assad, Bashar al-Assad, the president of Syria (yep, we're doing it again). He has gone soft. Soft on America. Soft on Israel. Soft on his wife's lavish spending sprees. But very hard for Obama. When it comes to Omar al-Bashir of Sudan, there were hints and allegations of genocide, which he dismisses as "incidents and accidents." So does the rest of Africa's leadership. The ICC's indictment of Omar al-Bashir on charges of genocide against the people of Darfur is turning into nothing more than a footnote. That's better than what the people of Darfur are turning into: footprints.

Chavez vs Aliyev
Hugo Chavez is the president of the socialist republic of Venezuela. Talk about dated- Stalin called, he wants his ideology back. Chavez said he'll create a socialist paradise even if he has to rule by decree, nationalize the media, and bully anyone who disagrees with him. You're going to do what he says and you're going to like it. That qualifies him to be my girlfriend. Ilham Aliyev is the president of Azer- Azerbai- Azerbaij- well, whatever. He recently engaged in peace talks with Armenia in Russia. Unless this is a ploy to curry favor on the international stage while cracking down on dissent at home, that's pretty gay. Which is it, Aliyev, do you want to be gay or evil? Pick one.

standings: Check out the ELL site