Jewish World Series Recap

This is a tough World Series matchup for Jews. The Houston Astros and Los Angeles Dodgers are battling, but it has nothing to do with these two teams. These organizations have had Jewish players before. Of course the great Sandy Koufax pitched for the Dodgers and the less great Brad Ausmus caught for the Astros. But both organizations have taken a dark turn in recent years.

Game 1 featured Astros pitcher Dallas Keuchel who inexplicably pronounces his surname "Kikel". He faced Dodgers outfielder Kike Hernandez. Kike went 1-3 against Kikel. Every time Kike came up to bat against Kikel, I took our mezuzah down and brought it inside. Then I hid in my attic. Hopefully  the Dodgers sweep so I don't have to revisit this fear in Game 5.

Knicks Fan Hurt Hand Punching Glass

After hearing that Knicks forward Amar'e Stoudemire injured his hand punching glass casing in anger after the team's ten-point Game 2 loss yesterday, a Knicks fan- yours truly- was so angry at Stoudemire's actions that he also punched some glass, badly wounding his hand.

Only one of the two hand injuries will negatively affect the Knicks' playoff chances this season.

What makes Stoudemire's injury worse is that he is Jewish. It's the most shameful act by a Jew since Bernie Madoff's pyramid scam.

"I've been a Knicks fan all my life. When it turned out that Amar'e has Jewish heritage, it made me an even bigger fan of his. It was great. A Jew on the Knicks! And now this. It's embarrassing," said New York Knicks fan, me.

Amar'e Stoudemire could not be reached for comment, mostly because I don't even want to speak with him right now.

Can It Really Be? A Jewish MVP!

Ryan Braun, former NL Rookie of the Year, won the NL MVP for 2011.

YYYYYYYYYYYYIPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The NFL's New Holocaust Education Program

In light of recent events, everyone associated with the NFL will be required to take the new Holocaust Education Program. Lessons will revolve around these key issues.

1. If you are ever forced to hide in the attic of your agent's mansion to avoid the media who want to interview you because you've recently left your pregnant wife for another woman, do not compare your situation with Anne Frank's. It's important to note that had Anne Frank been discovered by authorities (who did not have to respect privacy laws), Anne Frank would have died, not been merely inconvenienced by a third rate reporter from the Sacramento Bee.

2. Be wary of Hitler references. There will be virtually no circumstance where it is appropriate to compare someone in the NFL to Hitler. Comparing Hitler to someone outside of the NFL should also be approached with caution. Remember, Hitler is responsible for the deaths of 11 million people through the Nazis' systematic dehumanization of several groups of people. So, comparing Hitler with a leader you don't like is often akin to comparing Peyton Manning with Curtis Painter.

3. Better yet, don't make any comparisons with the Holocaust. People interred in concentration camps were treated as slaves, forced to perform difficult work for virtually no food until they were too sick. Then they were gassed. More than that, the Nazis constantly attempted to dehumanize these victims by making them stand out in the cold during role call for hours among many other degrading acts. A person in a concentration camp was under constant threat of death.

4. Ask a Jewish friend about their family history. Avoid agents and lawyers. Descendents of Holocaust survivors tend to want to help people, not steal your money, so ask your doctor and social worker instead; they likely had family in the Holocaust. They can add a personal touch to your ongoing Holocaust education.

5. Visit the US in Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington DC. Come with an open mind, an intellectual curiosity, and plenty of tissues!

The Jewish Mob

I sometimes wish there was still an active Jewish mob. Violence is never the answer, but in a world that hates Jews, it's nice to have a little protection. These men were not admirable people, but at least they scared the gentiles.

In 2009, Jews were the second largest group victimized by hate crimes. Blacks were the largest, but have at least five times the population of Jews in the United States. With a Jewish mob walking the streets, those numbers would surely decrease. A Jewish mob would also have not allowed Bernie Madoff to rip off the Jewish community so thoroughly.

The mob certainly represents some of the more nefarious aspects of life, but, when it comes to protecting the community, it is the best answer until people stop being so anti-Semitic.

My National Anthem

I'm a Jew Jew Jew
So, fuck you you you
(repeat 214 times)

The Difference Between Jews and Muslims

Jews and Muslims are totally different. Jews have been persecuted and deserve empathy. Muslims have persecuted and deserve enmity. Jews have gracefully enmeshed into American society. Muslims are trying to take over American society. Let's look at the differences.

1) Beards - Wait? Never mind.

2) Dietary restrictions - Um, nope.

3) Those funny hats - Uh, whoops.

4) Phlegmy holy languages - Well, I guess not.

Alright, so maybe Jews and Muslims are pretty similar after all. In that case, I surmise that it is essential for every fellow Jew to guard the rights of Muslims as if they're their own.

A Threat from a Jew

I had just made potentially the wittiest insult the world had ever experienced. It was one of those comebacks that show the divine power of words. A gun shot wouldn't have done as much damage.

"I'm going to kick your ass," whined my victim, "And that's not a threat!"
"But it is a threat," I retorted with a look of feigned confusion.
"It's not a threat; I'm really going to kick your ass."
"Regardless, you're still threatening me."
"No. I'm saying I'm not threatening you. I'm going to kick your ass."
"You might want to look up the word "threaten" in a dictionary."
"What do you mean?"
"Whether you intend to kick my ass or not, you're still threatening me. The act of threatening someone does not depend on whether or not you carry out that threat."
"Well then, I'm threatening you and I'm going kick your ass."
"There you go. That makes more sense."

And then it occurred to me. Before engaging in a physical confrontation, of course two Jews would first argue over semantics about what constitutes a threat.

Feingold Loses, Jews Sad

Russ Feingold, a pillar of progressivism in Senate, has lost his reelection bid in Wisconsin tonight. Feingold was the lone Senator to vote against the Patriot Act, a truly courageous and level-headed decision. Feingold also spearheaded campaign finance reform, a noble endeavor.

Feingold has been a hero of liberal Jews. Well, at least for me anyway, maybe no one else has heard of him. I drafted him in the 9th round with 34th overall pick in the 2006 Jew Draft. It was a pick, along with Bella Abzug, that assured my team the ability to out-legislate the other Jew teams.

This has been a sad day. That a liberal like Feingold was in the Senate always gave me pride and that he was a Jew added to that sentiment. I wish him well.

Yuri Foreman's Cousin

Last Tuesday, I was at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida for a boxing card. After the rather uneventful series of matches (All I learned was that a guy named Timur from Uzbekistan will always beat anyone from India [zing! Historical joke]), I went into the casino.

A man playfully asked if I wanted him to move away from the slot machine where he was sitting because "Some people prefer a particular machine" and I said no. I turned and sat down a couple of slots away from him.

He then asked, "Are you Yuri Foreman's cousin or something?" I realized I was wearing my Yuri Foreman shirt. I retorted, "No, just a fan."

My first thought was #1 Wow, someone actually recognized that it was Yuri Foreman shirt. I've had the shirt for two years and that's the first time anyone has even mentioned anything to me. The second thought that came to me was #2 Why would he assume I'm related to Yuri Foreman just because I got the shirt. What, he doesn't have any fans?

Yuri Foreman, even after fighting two rounds on a torn ACL, still gets no respect.

How Nyjer Morgan Got His Name

His parents named him Nyjer because they wanted to make white people really uncomfortable when saying their boy's name. In that same vain, I'm going to name my daughter Kike (pronounced Kee-kee) to ruffle a few gentile feathers.

The Jewish Aisle

I was in Ellicott City's Giant looking for the Jewish aisle so I could indulge in some latkes until I discovered Ellicott City's Giant doesn't have a Jewish aisle. I guess I've taken for granted that grocery stores have a Jewish aisle all my life. Things will never be the same.

Jackie Mason on Traffic

Here now is a piece from guest commentator Jackie Mason.

Why do the gentiles drive so slow in the left lane? It's like they got no place to go. Anti-Semite bastards. What are they, schlepping an elephant in their cars? The Jews are a busy people. We need to get going, but the gentiles won't let us go. We had this problem in Egypt. That's what it was about. But finally Pharaoh let us go. The gentiles should do the same.

Miss Muslim USA

Rima Fakih, a Lebanese-American and a Muslim, became Miss USA this week. Neo-con Daniel Pipes believes that Muslims are benefitting from affirmative action in beauty pageants, a comment spurred on by Fakih's win.

I'd just like to tell Rima Fakih that Daniel Pipes does not represent the views and opinions of myself or the vast majority of Jews. Forgive him. You see, when Daniel was young, his parents invited a Muslim couple over for Passover seder. The couple's little boy happened to find the Afikomen and thus received the dollar that poor Daniel so desperately desired. It was at that point that Daniel Pipes decided to dedicate his life to any and all things anti-Islam.

Hello!

Jewish Supreme Court Ladies

It is well known that I have been an avid court watcher since 1952. It was then that I first began to dream of a Supreme Court filled with Jewish women. If Elena Kagan is confirmed, she will be the third Jew and the second Jewish lady currently sitting on the Court. That would make me 22% on the way to my goal. But we need to hurry; Ruth Bader Ginsburg is getting old.

Justice for Sholom Rubashkin

Sholom Rubashkin is a Jew and used to run Agriprocessors Inc., a kosher slaughterhouse located in Iowa. He was convicted of using child labor and undocumented Guatemalan workers and could be sentenced for up to 25 years and probably not less than 6. Many Jews are upset because they see Rubashkin receiving such a stiff penalty while convicted gentile CEOs get slaps on the wrist. But what do you expect, it's Iowa.

In my view, Rubashkin shouldn't get a long sentence. In fact, I'm not even sure he committed a crime here. It's simply a cultural misunderstanding. In the Jewish tradition, you become a man at 13-years old. So the "child labor" Rubashkin was seemingly employing, was -to a Jew actually adult labor.

Of course he hired undocumented workers. They're much cheaper! Jews like a good deal; it's a cultural thing. And, I wouldn't expect gentiles to know this, but Guatemalans slaughter the best kosher food. It's one of those things that's odd but true.

So really, if you think about it, Sholom Rubashkin did nothing wrong. Now, you might be a smart ass and ask me if I'm only defending Sholom Rubashkin because he's a Jew.

Yes.

Yelling at Ryan Braun

The Brewers were in town last weekend. I was sitting in leftfield and wanted to yell something at Ryan Braun to let him know that as a fellow Jew, I root for him.

It occurred to me that there's pretty much nothing I could yell at him that wouldn't sound unbelievably anti-Semitic. "Hey Braun, how was your Passover?... As a fellow Jew, I'm genuinely interested!" I thought about screaming out the Hebrew alphabet. I could have sung Dayanu. It all seemed anti-Semitic.

I finally came up with "Hey Braun, how about you, me, and Marquis go out for a nosh after the game?" But you can't really yell that intelligibly.

Jewish Boxing

I started a new blog called The Jewish Boxing Blog, which will follow the careers of every active Jewish boxer (all 6 of them). Of course, that sometimes can create problems, even in Twenty Ten. For example, it is not always easy to verify if a person is Jewish. Alexander Frenkel, a Ukrainian born cruiserweight residing in Germany, has been put in BoxRec's list of Jewish boxers. Boxeo Mundial also describes him as a Jew. But nowhere else is he referred to as a Jew, including his own website. BoxRec also lists Argentine light heavyweight Mariano Nicolas Plotinsky as a Jew, though no other site confirms this.

There should be some way of indicating a Jew. Perhaps Jews could wear some kind of colorful armband or somethi, never mind.

Jews Run Too

In a scene in one of Sholom Aleichem's stories, a couple of Jews are literally running away from a dangerous situation, which really only involves them. That flight triggers a wave of runners and soon the whole shtetl takes off. While they're all still running, one Jew asks to another, "Why are you running?" The other Jews replies, "You're running, too." The first Jew states, "I'm only running because everyone else is."

That reminded me of a Cedric the Entertainer joke. You don't see nine or ten black people get shot up in one place at one time. "We run... If I'm with you and you start running, well, dammit, I'm gonna start running." He continues, "Meanwhile, white people walk right to the trouble. 'What the heck is going on?' BAM!"

Jews of Glory, Jews of Disgrace 2009

This is the fifth annual Jews of Glory, Jews of Disgrace.

Glory
5) Rabbi Mark Golub - When he does his little turn at the end of From the Aleph Bet on Shalom TV On Demand, it's the coolest thing ever.
4) SoCalled - The best Klezmer-Hip Hop musician of all time.
3) Ryan Braun, Jason Marquis, and Kevin Youkilis - There were three Jewish Allstars in Major League Baseball this season.
2) Barney Frank - When you call a gay Jew a Nazi because he supports health care reform, we got his back.
1) Jon Stewart - Even the Iranians revere him.

Disgrace
5) Shabbatai Zvi - False messiah converted when the going got tough.
4) Ehud Olmert - Former Israel PM indicted on charges of being a money-grubbing Jew.
3) Organ-dealing rabbis - Choosing money over ethics doesn't help the Jewish cause.
2) Bernie Madoff - At least the billions of dollars he stole were from both Jews and gentiles.
1) The schmuck who pissed off Hitler