It is 1949. Little Louie Walcott is prancing up the streets of the Bronx, covered in nervousness. Sixteen year old Louie is about to ask out the prettiest girl he's ever seen. He's hopeful she'll answer in the affirmative. But what if she doesn't?
Sheila Finkelstein is working in her father's kosher butcher shop on Fordham Road. Her hair is tied up and her sixteen year old cheeks are pinkish like raw meat. Even the most respected men who frequent the shop eye Sheila longingly as if she was a thinly-sliced pastrami.
Louie's hair is straight and thrown back with the help of lotion. Sweat drips off of his black skin on this hot June day. He straightens his tie and cocks his hat in the reflection of a grocery store's window on Fordham Road. He's three stores away from the kosher butcher shop and his stomach is spawning moths at an astronomical rate.
Sheila is slicing a piece of roast beef while in a daze. Thoughts of Abie Moskowitz won't leave her. Abie stands only a few inches above five feet. His face is as a round and cute as a baby’s, but several whiskers above his upper lip give him an air of prized maturity. Abie is known for his intelligence, sense of humor, and his athletic prowess. He has the sweetest smile, displaying slightly crooked teeth that always produces a rapid beat inside Sheila's chest.
Louie enters the kosher butcher shop. He goes over what he will say to Sheila for the 43rd time since he left his house. All eyes in the shop shift from Sheila's pubescent breasts to Louie's anxious face. "Um. Sheila? Will you go to the summer dance with me?" Louie manages to spout.
Sheila's eyes ignore the new entry. "Get lost, Louie. I'm hoping Abie asks me." Louie is crushed. His head falls harder than London Bridge. He turns and leaves the shop without looking back.
Within ten years, Louie has joined the Nation of Islam, changed his last name to Farrakhan, and blamed the Jews for everything wrong in the world.
Showing posts with label anti-Semitism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anti-Semitism. Show all posts
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tennis is Anti-Semitic
Today, two Jewish tennis players were bounced from qualifying at the Legg Mason Classic today. Both Nicolas Massu and Wayne Odesnik had emotional breakdowns during their respective matches.
Tennis is a sport that requires players to stay calm and even-tempered. That's not fair for us Jews. We are an emotional people. We are taught from a young age that is something is wrong, you should speak up. No stiff upper lip for us.
The ball boys at Massu's match were incompetent. They broke his chair and wouldn't shade him with the umbrella on an extremely hot day. They also gave him terrible tasting water, so he had to take a swig from each bottle and then put it back in the iced container. The lack of water made him cramp up. At least he got his revenge when a ball boy gave the ump one of Massu's pre-tested bottles of water.
In Odesnik's match, a ball that was clearly out on one of Ram's shots was called in. I was sitting right there and it was a terrible call. The ball was clearly out. What's worse is that Odesnik was right there and could have hit it easily, but chose not to, because it was clearly out.
Both of these men had too much to deal with to keep calm and composed. There's enough frustration in tennis without this crap. How is a Jew supposed to keep cool under these circumstances? Any sport that one plays better without emotion is inherently anti-Semitic.
Tennis is a sport that requires players to stay calm and even-tempered. That's not fair for us Jews. We are an emotional people. We are taught from a young age that is something is wrong, you should speak up. No stiff upper lip for us.
The ball boys at Massu's match were incompetent. They broke his chair and wouldn't shade him with the umbrella on an extremely hot day. They also gave him terrible tasting water, so he had to take a swig from each bottle and then put it back in the iced container. The lack of water made him cramp up. At least he got his revenge when a ball boy gave the ump one of Massu's pre-tested bottles of water.
In Odesnik's match, a ball that was clearly out on one of Ram's shots was called in. I was sitting right there and it was a terrible call. The ball was clearly out. What's worse is that Odesnik was right there and could have hit it easily, but chose not to, because it was clearly out.
Both of these men had too much to deal with to keep calm and composed. There's enough frustration in tennis without this crap. How is a Jew supposed to keep cool under these circumstances? Any sport that one plays better without emotion is inherently anti-Semitic.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Football with Bobby Fischer
Last night I had a nightmare that my brother and I were playing football with Bobby Fischer except the ball was flat, so we couldn't play. Bobby Fischer blamed the Jews. Which in this case, he was right, we forgot to pump up the ball.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
The Anti-Semitic Test
This test will help determine whether or not you are anti-Semitic. Pass it on to your friends! Whip it out at parties (the test, that is)! Take it to school!
1. Which do you hate more, Jews or sunny summer days?
2. Which Nazi do you like better, Himmler or Goebbels?
3. Regarding David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam killer, Do you...
a) excuse his murderous behavior because he's a Jew?
b) condemn him as an immoral serial killer?
4. If you could kill one Jew and get away with it, who would it be?
5. Regarding Jon Stewart of The Daily Show, Do you think...
a) he's good, but I like Jay Leno better?
b) he's bad, and I like Jay Leno better?
6. What is your favorite Holocaust joke?
7. A rabbi, a priest, and an imam walk into a bar, what do you do?
8. Finish this lyric: "The garbage, guns, and snipers are what they're fighting through, so all these wars that happen are all because of..."
9. What is "Jew time"?
10. If you were spray-painting a swastika on a Jew's house, what color would you use?
Check below for results.
Results:
If you answered any of these questions, you are anti-Semitic.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas
I know millions of Jews have been killed in the name of Jesus Christ over the past 2,000 years, but the Knicks and Amar'e "Semitic" Stoudemire play on ESPN tomorrow. So, you know, all is forgiven.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Leave Omri Alone
Omri Casspi, a forward for the Sacramento Kings, as seen his likeness defaced twice within the last week. Anti-Semites painted swastikas over Casspi on a Kings poster for the second time in the past week. Casspi, who is Jewish, is the first ever Israeli to play in the NBA.
There are still a large number of bigots in the U.S. who hate Jews. It's an issue that can't be ignored and must be dealt with. I mean, who hates Omri Casspi? He's a good outside shooter, not good enough for opposing fans to take notice of him, but too good for Kings fans to resent his presence.
This isn't an issue about Israel. It's about Jews being afforded the opportunity to live in the U.S. in peace, without being victimized by hate. We need to take a stand against all kinds of bigotry, whether against, Jews Muslims, blacks, Latinos, gays or any other group facing hatred.
There are still a large number of bigots in the U.S. who hate Jews. It's an issue that can't be ignored and must be dealt with. I mean, who hates Omri Casspi? He's a good outside shooter, not good enough for opposing fans to take notice of him, but too good for Kings fans to resent his presence.
This isn't an issue about Israel. It's about Jews being afforded the opportunity to live in the U.S. in peace, without being victimized by hate. We need to take a stand against all kinds of bigotry, whether against, Jews Muslims, blacks, Latinos, gays or any other group facing hatred.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Campaign to Get Pretty Jewish Girls to Move to Maryland
To the neo-nazis who defaced an Olney, Maryland synagogue with anti-Semitic graffiti:
Listen fuckfaces, I'm trying to convince all the pretty Jewish girls to move down to Maryland and your anti-Jewish vandalism isn't helping things. Why don't you do something more constructive, like learn to read or grow some hair. Do you know how hard it is to get pretty Jewish girls to come to Maryland in the first place? There's not a lot of good deli and not exactly a plethora of eligible Jewish bachelors in the area (though they do exist). We don't need any setbacks.
Listen fuckfaces, I'm trying to convince all the pretty Jewish girls to move down to Maryland and your anti-Jewish vandalism isn't helping things. Why don't you do something more constructive, like learn to read or grow some hair. Do you know how hard it is to get pretty Jewish girls to come to Maryland in the first place? There's not a lot of good deli and not exactly a plethora of eligible Jewish bachelors in the area (though they do exist). We don't need any setbacks.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Update on Hellgate
I tell my student, "Listen, we're different. You're Korean and I'm Jewish. So what. I still like you." My student responds, "I like you, too... but you're going to hell."
The good news is, later in the day, I accused him of cheating and made him cry.
The good news is, later in the day, I accused him of cheating and made him cry.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Jews Going to Hell?
Today, a young student of mine told me, "You're going to hell because you're Jewish." Another student tried to defend me by saying, "He's only half-Jewish and half-American," as if they were mutually exclusive.
The first student told me to "Go back to Israel," which will be difficult as I've never been there. The student recently came from Korea. Other Korean students gave him a weird look and then told him to go back to Korea.
When he left, I called out to him, "See you tomorrow." He said, I don't think I'll be back... because you're Jewish."
I've known this student for almost a year. He's a good kid. I asked him why all of the sudden he's saying things like this. After all, it was a couple of months ago that he became a Yuri Foreman fan because of me. I asked if they were saying these things in church. He said they were.
It doesn't do anything to dispel my impression that somewhere in the neighborhood of 80% of Christians believe Jews are going to hell. I remember a story where South Korean missionaries were held hostage by the Taliban in Afghanistan because they were trying to convert people to Christianity. At least some Koreans take that whole Christianity shit pretty seriously.
The first student told me to "Go back to Israel," which will be difficult as I've never been there. The student recently came from Korea. Other Korean students gave him a weird look and then told him to go back to Korea.
When he left, I called out to him, "See you tomorrow." He said, I don't think I'll be back... because you're Jewish."
I've known this student for almost a year. He's a good kid. I asked him why all of the sudden he's saying things like this. After all, it was a couple of months ago that he became a Yuri Foreman fan because of me. I asked if they were saying these things in church. He said they were.
It doesn't do anything to dispel my impression that somewhere in the neighborhood of 80% of Christians believe Jews are going to hell. I remember a story where South Korean missionaries were held hostage by the Taliban in Afghanistan because they were trying to convert people to Christianity. At least some Koreans take that whole Christianity shit pretty seriously.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The Snow
I know what you're thinking. A Jewish guy, living in the Washington DC area, covered by two successive storms probably accumulating around 50 inches, been shoveling snow every day since last Friday, lost power on Saturday, been cooped up in the house for the better part of a week, and you're expecting me to complain. Well, I'm not here to fit your little stereotypes of Jews, you filthy bigoted parasite. Why don't you take off your white hood and say that to my face or are you too much of a neo-nazi son of a semen guzzler. Oh, I'm sorry you can't fit me in your warped box of sick generalities. People like you disgust me. You can't for one minute challenge your own preconceptions of others. Why don't you just drop dead.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Healthcare Nazis
We all know that I became a conservative once Obama came to power because I couldn't deal with being on the winning team. But I must say to my fellow conservatives, this whole "if you advocate healthcare reform you're a Nazi" thing makes me uncomfortable.
Let's say the proposed bill actually does call for the infamous death panels (keep in mind, you'd have to be a fucking moron to interpret the bill this way). Let's say that the government was really going to kill your grandmother if she so much as sneezed. That still doesn't make it a Nazi policy. The Nazis did worse shit in their sleep. Perhaps some of my fellow conservatives should read a fucking book on the Nazis before they open their mouths. The Nazis also had guns; does that mean that anyone who has a gun is a Nazi?
I also don't like that we are calling various Jewish congresspersons and senators Nazis for supporting healthcare reform. If you think about it, that's unbelievably offensive. The Nazis attempted to extinguish the Jewish people; so to call a Jew who supports a public option in the healthcare system a Nazi is crossing the line a bit. The word Nazi might be a punchline to you, but it has real meaning for Jews. Practice some empathy before casually screaming shit. I mean, what's next? If Charlie Rangel supports a clean air act, are we going to accuse him of slavery? It's interesting that the accusations of nazism have come from white goyim who have never experienced a moment of persecution in their lives.
I have to be honest, I feel pretty uncomfortable even pretending to be associated with conservatives after this. Plus, I feel sufficiently persecuted to jump ship.
Let's say the proposed bill actually does call for the infamous death panels (keep in mind, you'd have to be a fucking moron to interpret the bill this way). Let's say that the government was really going to kill your grandmother if she so much as sneezed. That still doesn't make it a Nazi policy. The Nazis did worse shit in their sleep. Perhaps some of my fellow conservatives should read a fucking book on the Nazis before they open their mouths. The Nazis also had guns; does that mean that anyone who has a gun is a Nazi?
I also don't like that we are calling various Jewish congresspersons and senators Nazis for supporting healthcare reform. If you think about it, that's unbelievably offensive. The Nazis attempted to extinguish the Jewish people; so to call a Jew who supports a public option in the healthcare system a Nazi is crossing the line a bit. The word Nazi might be a punchline to you, but it has real meaning for Jews. Practice some empathy before casually screaming shit. I mean, what's next? If Charlie Rangel supports a clean air act, are we going to accuse him of slavery? It's interesting that the accusations of nazism have come from white goyim who have never experienced a moment of persecution in their lives.
I have to be honest, I feel pretty uncomfortable even pretending to be associated with conservatives after this. Plus, I feel sufficiently persecuted to jump ship.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
A Helpful List for the Gentiles
I know that many gentiles don't know much about Jews. There are a lot of misunderstandings. So, I've provided a helpful list of things not to do or say to Jews because it would be culturally insensitive.
-Don't spray paint swastikas on their houses.
-Don't spray paint swastikas and the word "kike" on their cars.
-If you see a Jew wearing a yarmulke as he drives his car, don't take a picture of him like he's an animal in a fucking zoo.
-If you're a teacher/professor and a Jewish student says, "I won't be here for the test because it's Yom Kippur. When can I take the makeup?" Don't threaten to fail your student if they don't show up.
-Don't throw pennies at your Jewish friends.
-Don't blow out a Yahrzeit candle symbolizing the spirit of a Jew's dead grandmother.
-Don't tell them that the Jews control the media.
-Don't replace the word "you" with the word "Jew" when you are talking to a Jewish person.
-Don't tell them that all the Jews who worked in the World Trade Center received secret calls not to go to work on the morning of 9/11/01.
Now that you're armed with this information, you should be able to interact with a Jewish person without being culturally insensitive.
-Don't spray paint swastikas on their houses.
-Don't spray paint swastikas and the word "kike" on their cars.
-If you see a Jew wearing a yarmulke as he drives his car, don't take a picture of him like he's an animal in a fucking zoo.
-If you're a teacher/professor and a Jewish student says, "I won't be here for the test because it's Yom Kippur. When can I take the makeup?" Don't threaten to fail your student if they don't show up.
-Don't throw pennies at your Jewish friends.
-Don't blow out a Yahrzeit candle symbolizing the spirit of a Jew's dead grandmother.
-Don't tell them that the Jews control the media.
-Don't replace the word "you" with the word "Jew" when you are talking to a Jewish person.
-Don't tell them that all the Jews who worked in the World Trade Center received secret calls not to go to work on the morning of 9/11/01.
Now that you're armed with this information, you should be able to interact with a Jewish person without being culturally insensitive.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Pope Adolph's At It Again
The Pope has reinstated some bishops who aren't really convinced that the Holocaust happened. Jews are angry at the Pope.
The Pope should know better than this. He's knows the Holocaust happened. He was there!
But are we Jews really surprised that a pope who was a member of the Hitler Youth might not have a problem with anti-Semitism? You can take the man out of the Hitler Youth, but you can't take the Hitler Youth out of the man (and I'm not calling the Pope a pedophile. At least not now).
The Pope should know better than this. He's knows the Holocaust happened. He was there!
But are we Jews really surprised that a pope who was a member of the Hitler Youth might not have a problem with anti-Semitism? You can take the man out of the Hitler Youth, but you can't take the Hitler Youth out of the man (and I'm not calling the Pope a pedophile. At least not now).
Monday, November 17, 2008
Fast Food in Connecticut
On my way to the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Massachusetts, I dined in a Taco Bell restaurant in Bumblefuck, Connecticut. I'm sitting and eating my tacos when I look down across the table. There, scraped into the table, was a swastika.
Two thoughts entered my mind. Of all the places to eat and of all the tables to sit at, I found the one with the swastika. Or maybe Connecticut's fast food establishments are simply littered with swastikas. I'm not sure which is true; I don't know enough about Connecticut.
Two thoughts entered my mind. Of all the places to eat and of all the tables to sit at, I found the one with the swastika. Or maybe Connecticut's fast food establishments are simply littered with swastikas. I'm not sure which is true; I don't know enough about Connecticut.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Like I'm an Animal
I tutored Monday in Haymarket, Virginia and decided to wear a yarmulke because it was Rosh Hashanah. While I was driving back on Route 66, a big white SUV was moving along a bit slowly in the left lane. The car graciously moved over well before I approached it and I drove by without incident.
Then I caught the vehicle speeding towards me from one lane over. I didn't think much of it because people tend to drive illogically. The SUV then slowed considerably because there was a cop. I maintained my speed because the cop was pointed the other way and I wasn't going that fast.
A little bit later, the same white SUV sped up behind me in the left lane. I figured this guy is crazy, so I moved over to the right.
As he passed, he held out a digital camera and this hillbilly motherfucker took a picture of me like I'm some fucking animal in a zoo! I don't know, maybe he's never seen a Jew before. I was so pissed, I really wanted to go after him, but if he has the audacity to shoot me with a camera, he probably has no problem shooting me with a gun. Fucking redneck.
Then I caught the vehicle speeding towards me from one lane over. I didn't think much of it because people tend to drive illogically. The SUV then slowed considerably because there was a cop. I maintained my speed because the cop was pointed the other way and I wasn't going that fast.
A little bit later, the same white SUV sped up behind me in the left lane. I figured this guy is crazy, so I moved over to the right.
As he passed, he held out a digital camera and this hillbilly motherfucker took a picture of me like I'm some fucking animal in a zoo! I don't know, maybe he's never seen a Jew before. I was so pissed, I really wanted to go after him, but if he has the audacity to shoot me with a camera, he probably has no problem shooting me with a gun. Fucking redneck.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Anonymous, The Courageous Anti-Semite
There is a gentleman named Anonymous. I don't know his last name. Anonymous enjoys sporadically posting rabidly anti-Semitic comments on my blog. He also likes spray-painting swastikas throughout my town.
I'd love to meet Anonymous so we can hash out our differences. He thinks "Zionist Kikes perpetrated 9-11." If I had the chance, I'd ask Anonymous: how can Zionist kikes perpetrate a date? Perhaps he meant that they perpetrated the attack that took place on September 11, 2001. Well, in that case, I would have to respectfully disagree. I believe al Qaeda has taken responsibility for that attack. Unless. Unless al Qaeda and the Zionist kikes plotted together to take down the towers. That's it! Maybe we've solved the mystery.
Anonymous also contends that the Jews control the media. If I could ask him, I'd like Anonymous to give me a bit more proof. Although. What better place to express that opinion on a Jewish-controlled media outlet? And of course, my blog, read by all of four people, proves that the Jews run the media.
Come to think of it, Anonymous has some good ideas. I'd love to talk to him. I can't see any reason why Anonymous wouldn't want to meet me to discuss some of his anti-Semitic opinions. Can you?
I'd love to meet Anonymous so we can hash out our differences. He thinks "Zionist Kikes perpetrated 9-11." If I had the chance, I'd ask Anonymous: how can Zionist kikes perpetrate a date? Perhaps he meant that they perpetrated the attack that took place on September 11, 2001. Well, in that case, I would have to respectfully disagree. I believe al Qaeda has taken responsibility for that attack. Unless. Unless al Qaeda and the Zionist kikes plotted together to take down the towers. That's it! Maybe we've solved the mystery.
Anonymous also contends that the Jews control the media. If I could ask him, I'd like Anonymous to give me a bit more proof. Although. What better place to express that opinion on a Jewish-controlled media outlet? And of course, my blog, read by all of four people, proves that the Jews run the media.
Come to think of it, Anonymous has some good ideas. I'd love to talk to him. I can't see any reason why Anonymous wouldn't want to meet me to discuss some of his anti-Semitic opinions. Can you?
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Bobby Fischer is Dead
Jewish chess champion and rabid anti-Semite, Bobby Fischer, died yesterday. Nobody lit a yahrzeit candle for him.
As a young boy, Bobby Fischer was a very famous chess king. By the end of his life he had faded and become a pawn of the anti-Semites. (Chess pun, BAM!) Fischer became my arch-nemesis along the way. I despised him. He was a real live Shabbatai Zvi for me, minus the charisma. He was a symbol of something. For me, both Fischer and Zvi symbolized the heights a little Jewish boy could reach and the sting of betrayal.
Bobby Fischer is dead. This is a time to rejoice. But it brings up an interesting question on anti-Semitism. I postulated with my gentile friend, but he couldn't respond because that would anti-Semitic. How is my friend to feel? He can't be happy that Bobby Fischer died, because he's a Jew and that would make my friend an anti-Semite. He can't be sad that Bobby Fischer died because he was a rabid anti-Semite and that would make my friend the same. If my friend was indifferent, you best believe that would be anti-Semitic. It's a real quandary.
My brother and I had just started making jokes about Bobby Fischer last weekend. Perhaps, we're responsible for his death. A man can dream.
Bobby Fischer's death has got me thinking about other Jews I wish were dead. For starters, William Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Jonah Goldberg, Joe Lieberman, and that rabbi from Dateline caught on To Catch A Predator.
As a young boy, Bobby Fischer was a very famous chess king. By the end of his life he had faded and become a pawn of the anti-Semites. (Chess pun, BAM!) Fischer became my arch-nemesis along the way. I despised him. He was a real live Shabbatai Zvi for me, minus the charisma. He was a symbol of something. For me, both Fischer and Zvi symbolized the heights a little Jewish boy could reach and the sting of betrayal.
Bobby Fischer is dead. This is a time to rejoice. But it brings up an interesting question on anti-Semitism. I postulated with my gentile friend, but he couldn't respond because that would anti-Semitic. How is my friend to feel? He can't be happy that Bobby Fischer died, because he's a Jew and that would make my friend an anti-Semite. He can't be sad that Bobby Fischer died because he was a rabid anti-Semite and that would make my friend the same. If my friend was indifferent, you best believe that would be anti-Semitic. It's a real quandary.
My brother and I had just started making jokes about Bobby Fischer last weekend. Perhaps, we're responsible for his death. A man can dream.
Bobby Fischer's death has got me thinking about other Jews I wish were dead. For starters, William Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Jonah Goldberg, Joe Lieberman, and that rabbi from Dateline caught on To Catch A Predator.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Blame the Government
In August of 2002, swastikas were spray painted on my house and on my car and the latter was tagged with word kike. A policeman came to the house and dismissed the incident, saying it was most likely done by kids. I believe that the government did this because they didn't like my outspoken anti-war stance since 2001 and they wanted to instill fear in my family.
Numerous synagogues have been tagged since then in the DC area. Jews are overwhelmingly liberal and even those that are conservative and most concerned about Israel now know that the war in Iraq has made Israel far more vulnerable. The government was hoping to scare us Jews into supporting their war. It hasn't worked. END THE WAR NOW!
Numerous synagogues have been tagged since then in the DC area. Jews are overwhelmingly liberal and even those that are conservative and most concerned about Israel now know that the war in Iraq has made Israel far more vulnerable. The government was hoping to scare us Jews into supporting their war. It hasn't worked. END THE WAR NOW!
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Undateable Women
I wonder how many women in America I couldn't date solely due to the fact that I'm a Jew. It's a hard question to try and figure but I'm guessing it's about 50%, though I'm a bit of an optimist. The number could be much higher. Any guesses?
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Me Tutoring Little Hitler
Here are excerpts from my hypothetical tutoring sessions with a 9-year old Adolph Hitler:
Me: Ok, Adolph, keep reading.
Little Hitler: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Ok, but you need to keep reading after.
Little Hitler: Do you go to church?
Me: Well, no. I'm Jewish. [And I don't go to synagogue either.]
Little Hitler: Jewish? What's that?
Me: I'm Jewish, that's my religion.
Little Hitler: Oh, what am I?
Me: Judging by the fact that we're surrounded by pictures of Jesus right now, I'd say you're Christian.
Little Hitler: So I'm Christian? And you're what again?
Me: Jewish.
Little Hitler: Jewish. That's a funny word. Jewish, Jewish. That's so funny.
A week later
Little Hitler: Here's my book for church. I have to memorize these things and answer these questions.
Me: Oh, that's fun.
Little Hitler: No it's not, it's hard. Are these right?
Me: Let me see. Hmm, well it's multiple choice. Which are the words of the Lord? A) Table of Contents B) Genesis C) Page numbers. Genesis, yeah, you're right.
Little Hitler: Oh what do you know, you're Jewish.
Me: [I'm Jewish, I'm not retarded. Plus the answers are upside-down on the bottom of the page] But that doesn't matter. Jewish people can still know those things.
Little Hitler: Look the answers are right here. I was right, yay!
Me: See, good job.
Another week later
Little Hitler: Is this spider bad?
Me: The black widow spider? Yes, if it bites you, you're dead.
Little Hitler: Oh no, is it going to bite me?
Me: No no. It lives very far away. Everything will be ok.
Little Hitler: Are you sure? I'm scared.
Me: Awww, it's ok, it's far away. It won't get you. Don't worry.
Little Hitler: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, it's very far away. I promise you. [There are many other things that are far more frightening in the world that you should worry about]. You're safe. Please don't worry.
Little Hitler: What do you know you're Jewish.
Me: [What does me being Jewish have to do with spiders?] That doesn't matter, trust me, it's far away.
Two months later
Little Hitler: There's a girl in my school; she's a-half-a-Jew.
Me: Um, ok.
Little Hitler: I want to chop her head off.
Me: Why? [Maybe she was mean to him]
Little Hitler: Because she's a-half-a-Jew.
Me: [Yikes, what are you gonna do to a whole Jew?] Oh.
Three days later
Little Hitler: I hate Jewish Christmas.
Me: Well, it's called Chanukah. [I really wish I didn't describe it as Jewish Christmas] Why do you hate it?
Little Hitler: Because it's stupid. I hate it. There's no Santa Claus.
Me: [Wait, did he mean there's no Santa Claus in Chanukah or was that a different topic? Shit.] No, Chanukah's nice. We give presents.
Little Hitler: No it's stupid and you're stupid. I hate you.
Me: Well that's a mean thing to say. I like you. I like you because you're nice.
Little Hitler: I don't like you, because you're a meany Jew.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. How have I been mean to you?
Little Hitler: Because you're Jewish. You start all of the wars in the world. You drink the blood of baby Christians. You killed the Lord, Jesus Christ. You control the banks and don't lend money to hardworking people because you are a greedy and kniving group. You will be the reason why Germany will lose in the future war, World War I. You control the liberal media. You control Hollywood. You have big noses. And you have horns.
Me: Maybe, but I know about spiders!
Possibly inspired by interactions (i.e. exact quotes, portions of precise conversations) with a 9-year old student that I tutor (at least the first four and half episodes).
Me: Ok, Adolph, keep reading.
Little Hitler: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Ok, but you need to keep reading after.
Little Hitler: Do you go to church?
Me: Well, no. I'm Jewish. [And I don't go to synagogue either.]
Little Hitler: Jewish? What's that?
Me: I'm Jewish, that's my religion.
Little Hitler: Oh, what am I?
Me: Judging by the fact that we're surrounded by pictures of Jesus right now, I'd say you're Christian.
Little Hitler: So I'm Christian? And you're what again?
Me: Jewish.
Little Hitler: Jewish. That's a funny word. Jewish, Jewish. That's so funny.
A week later
Little Hitler: Here's my book for church. I have to memorize these things and answer these questions.
Me: Oh, that's fun.
Little Hitler: No it's not, it's hard. Are these right?
Me: Let me see. Hmm, well it's multiple choice. Which are the words of the Lord? A) Table of Contents B) Genesis C) Page numbers. Genesis, yeah, you're right.
Little Hitler: Oh what do you know, you're Jewish.
Me: [I'm Jewish, I'm not retarded. Plus the answers are upside-down on the bottom of the page] But that doesn't matter. Jewish people can still know those things.
Little Hitler: Look the answers are right here. I was right, yay!
Me: See, good job.
Another week later
Little Hitler: Is this spider bad?
Me: The black widow spider? Yes, if it bites you, you're dead.
Little Hitler: Oh no, is it going to bite me?
Me: No no. It lives very far away. Everything will be ok.
Little Hitler: Are you sure? I'm scared.
Me: Awww, it's ok, it's far away. It won't get you. Don't worry.
Little Hitler: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, it's very far away. I promise you. [There are many other things that are far more frightening in the world that you should worry about]. You're safe. Please don't worry.
Little Hitler: What do you know you're Jewish.
Me: [What does me being Jewish have to do with spiders?] That doesn't matter, trust me, it's far away.
Two months later
Little Hitler: There's a girl in my school; she's a-half-a-Jew.
Me: Um, ok.
Little Hitler: I want to chop her head off.
Me: Why? [Maybe she was mean to him]
Little Hitler: Because she's a-half-a-Jew.
Me: [Yikes, what are you gonna do to a whole Jew?] Oh.
Three days later
Little Hitler: I hate Jewish Christmas.
Me: Well, it's called Chanukah. [I really wish I didn't describe it as Jewish Christmas] Why do you hate it?
Little Hitler: Because it's stupid. I hate it. There's no Santa Claus.
Me: [Wait, did he mean there's no Santa Claus in Chanukah or was that a different topic? Shit.] No, Chanukah's nice. We give presents.
Little Hitler: No it's stupid and you're stupid. I hate you.
Me: Well that's a mean thing to say. I like you. I like you because you're nice.
Little Hitler: I don't like you, because you're a meany Jew.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. How have I been mean to you?
Little Hitler: Because you're Jewish. You start all of the wars in the world. You drink the blood of baby Christians. You killed the Lord, Jesus Christ. You control the banks and don't lend money to hardworking people because you are a greedy and kniving group. You will be the reason why Germany will lose in the future war, World War I. You control the liberal media. You control Hollywood. You have big noses. And you have horns.
Me: Maybe, but I know about spiders!
Possibly inspired by interactions (i.e. exact quotes, portions of precise conversations) with a 9-year old student that I tutor (at least the first four and half episodes).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)