I anxiously awaited the return of Jesus Christ all year. Unless I missed something, Mr. Christ never appeared. Let's revisit what the hell I'm talking about.
It all began when I wanted to determine once and for all: Who is the one true Lord? So, I challenged Pat Robertson to a pray-off. We prayed our hardest over six different contests with each winning three. It all came down to Game 7.
In the spring of 2003, Pat Robertson claimed on his program 700 Club that the second coming of Jesus will take place during 2007. His reasoning was that it was 40 years after the 6-day war, which supposedly gave Israel its biblical borders. It makes sense if you don't think about it too much. In other news, Barry Bonds played his last season with the Pittsburgh Pirates 15 years ago, so I'm hoping this is the year my backne (back acne) disappears.
Anyway, the competition was: If Jesus came back in 2007, then Pat Robertson would win the Prayoff series and his would be the one true lord. If Jesus, did not come back during 2007, I would win the prayoff series, and my G-d is the one true lord. Simple enough.
I'm pretty sure the Rapture didn't happen last year. Britney Spears shaved her head, but I think that was something else entirely. So...
I WIN!!!!!!!!!!
Abortions and gay marriages for all!!!
Oh, and G-d is a force that transcends our understanding, so everyone has to stop claiming to be the Lord's spokesperson. Suck on it, Pat Robertson! Yes!
Showing posts with label Prayoffs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prayoffs. Show all posts
Friday, January 04, 2008
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Prayoff Update
The best of 7 Prayoff series to determine which is the one true lord has come down to Game 7, with the series tied at 3. The Game 7 and the series comes down to one factor. Will Jesus come back in 2007?
A few years ago, Pat Robertson claimed on the 700 Club that Jesus would return in 2007, because it was the 40th anniversary of the Six Day war in Israel. In 2008, I will get laid because it's the 15th anniversary of the greatest comeback in NFL hostory when the Buffalo Bills sotrmed back to win in the 1993 Wildcard game down 35-3 to the Houston Oilers. I haven't gotten laid in a bit to the point where A.C. Green is starting to pity me a little.
If Jesus does return within the next month or so, I will accept Pat Robertson's lord as the true one. If he doesn't come back, Pat Robertson must pray to my Jewy, abortion-loving, gay marriage-performing, poverty-caring-about G-d. The year is almost over. I'm on the edge of seat.
A few years ago, Pat Robertson claimed on the 700 Club that Jesus would return in 2007, because it was the 40th anniversary of the Six Day war in Israel. In 2008, I will get laid because it's the 15th anniversary of the greatest comeback in NFL hostory when the Buffalo Bills sotrmed back to win in the 1993 Wildcard game down 35-3 to the Houston Oilers. I haven't gotten laid in a bit to the point where A.C. Green is starting to pity me a little.
If Jesus does return within the next month or so, I will accept Pat Robertson's lord as the true one. If he doesn't come back, Pat Robertson must pray to my Jewy, abortion-loving, gay marriage-performing, poverty-caring-about G-d. The year is almost over. I'm on the edge of seat.
Monday, January 01, 2007
The Prayoffs, Game 7
I was out of the country, but all indications point to the fact that Christmas took place this year. Since Christmas happened, somehow Pat Robertson wins. Anyway, the series is 3-3 heading into deciding Game 7.
Game 7
It all comes down to this. In the spring of 2003, Pat Robertson claimed on his program 700 Club that the second coming of Jesus will take place during 2007. His reasoning was that it was 40 years after the 6-day war, which supposedly gave Israel its biblical borders.
If Jesus does come back in 2007, then Pat Robertson wins the Prayoff series and his is the one true lord. If Jesus, does not come back during 2007, I win the prayoff series, and my G-d is the one true lord. Simple enough. Check back in a year.
Recap
Game 1: Fidel Castro didn't die in the allotted time, I led 1-0.
Game 2: I didn't get a girlfriend in the allotted time, Pat Robertson tied the series 1-1.
Game 3: It took me too long to run a marathon, Pat Robertson led 2-1.
Game 4: The Democrats took the House, the Senate and won the Maryland governorship. I tied the series at 2-2.
Game 5: My neck still hurt, I led the series 3-2.
Game 6: Christmas happened, Pat Robertson tied the series at 3-3.
Game 7
It all comes down to this. In the spring of 2003, Pat Robertson claimed on his program 700 Club that the second coming of Jesus will take place during 2007. His reasoning was that it was 40 years after the 6-day war, which supposedly gave Israel its biblical borders.
If Jesus does come back in 2007, then Pat Robertson wins the Prayoff series and his is the one true lord. If Jesus, does not come back during 2007, I win the prayoff series, and my G-d is the one true lord. Simple enough. Check back in a year.
Recap
Game 1: Fidel Castro didn't die in the allotted time, I led 1-0.
Game 2: I didn't get a girlfriend in the allotted time, Pat Robertson tied the series 1-1.
Game 3: It took me too long to run a marathon, Pat Robertson led 2-1.
Game 4: The Democrats took the House, the Senate and won the Maryland governorship. I tied the series at 2-2.
Game 5: My neck still hurt, I led the series 3-2.
Game 6: Christmas happened, Pat Robertson tied the series at 3-3.
Monday, November 20, 2006
The Prayoffs, Game 6
My neck felt a little better after 10 days of rest, but it's still sore and stiff. Laying on the couch watching football and basketball will help a neck get better. However, if Pat Robertson, by way of Jesus, truly does have the power to heal, as he claims he does, my neck would be feeling much better right now. One night last week, my neck hurt so bad, it kept me up at night. So Pat Robertson loses pivotal Game 5.
Game 6
I've got no problem with Christmas. I don't celebrate it, but I think it's great (in theory). Peace, love, charity- that all sounds great. I mean, I don't need it all up in my face, but it's a nice holiday. Some people, including Pat Robertson, would claim that there's a war on Christmas. I just don't think that's true. I'm not sure that Wal-Mart posting signs that say "Happy Holidays" for one year constitutes a war. If there was a true war on Christmas, there would be the potential of Christmas not happening. So, if Christmas doesn't come around this year, I win the prayoff series against Pat Robertson, and my lord is the one true lord. If there is Christmas this year, Pat Robertson ties the series at 3-3 and we go to a Game 7.
Recap
Game 1: Fidel Castro didn't die, Pat Robertson lost. Me 1-0.
Game 2: I am repulsive to women. I lost. Tie 1-1.
Game 3: I ran a marathon in 4 hours and 25 minutes. Pat Robertson won. Pat Robertson 2-1.
Game 4: The Democrats won both Houses of Congress. I won. Tie 2-2.
Game 5: My neck still hurts. I won. Me 3-2. 1 win away!
Game 6
I've got no problem with Christmas. I don't celebrate it, but I think it's great (in theory). Peace, love, charity- that all sounds great. I mean, I don't need it all up in my face, but it's a nice holiday. Some people, including Pat Robertson, would claim that there's a war on Christmas. I just don't think that's true. I'm not sure that Wal-Mart posting signs that say "Happy Holidays" for one year constitutes a war. If there was a true war on Christmas, there would be the potential of Christmas not happening. So, if Christmas doesn't come around this year, I win the prayoff series against Pat Robertson, and my lord is the one true lord. If there is Christmas this year, Pat Robertson ties the series at 3-3 and we go to a Game 7.
Recap
Game 1: Fidel Castro didn't die, Pat Robertson lost. Me 1-0.
Game 2: I am repulsive to women. I lost. Tie 1-1.
Game 3: I ran a marathon in 4 hours and 25 minutes. Pat Robertson won. Pat Robertson 2-1.
Game 4: The Democrats won both Houses of Congress. I won. Tie 2-2.
Game 5: My neck still hurts. I won. Me 3-2. 1 win away!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
The Prayoffs, Game 5
MuHahahahaha! Well well well Pat Robertson, Jesus didn't help you in Game 4, did he? No he didn't! All that's left is to determine how convincing my victory was. With the Democrats winning the House and at the worst tying the Senate (although it is almost a certainty that they will win that one too) I am victorious. Even were the unthinkable to happen and the Republicans miraculously hold on in Virginia and Montana, I won the tie-breaker as well. Life is sweet for me Pat Robertson. The best of 7 series is tied 2-2.
Game 5
On your show Pat Robertson, you claim to heal people through the power of prayer (to Jesus). Well, my neck has been sore for several weeks now. I will relent and pray to Jesus while you heal me. You have 10 days. If my neck is not totally better after 10 days of prayer to Jesus from the both of us, I win take a 3-2 series lead. If it is healed, Pat Robertson wins the pivotal Game 5.
Recap
Game 1: Pat Robertson's prayers fro Fidel Castro's death failed. I won.
Game 2: My prayers to avoid romantic embarrassment didn't work. Pat won.
Game 3: Pat Robertson prayed that it would take me over 4 hours to run the Baltimore Marathon. It did.
Game 4: I prayed for a Democratic election victory and it came to fruition.
Game 5
On your show Pat Robertson, you claim to heal people through the power of prayer (to Jesus). Well, my neck has been sore for several weeks now. I will relent and pray to Jesus while you heal me. You have 10 days. If my neck is not totally better after 10 days of prayer to Jesus from the both of us, I win take a 3-2 series lead. If it is healed, Pat Robertson wins the pivotal Game 5.
Recap
Game 1: Pat Robertson's prayers fro Fidel Castro's death failed. I won.
Game 2: My prayers to avoid romantic embarrassment didn't work. Pat won.
Game 3: Pat Robertson prayed that it would take me over 4 hours to run the Baltimore Marathon. It did.
Game 4: I prayed for a Democratic election victory and it came to fruition.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
The Prayoffs, Game 4
I gave it my all and in the end I just came up short. I finished the Baltimore marathon in 4:25:19, which is a personal best, but short of the my goal of under 4 hours. Pat Robertson effectively prayed for my failure. As a result, he has taken a 2-1 lead in our best of 7 prayoff series.
I ran the first 10 miles in 1:22 and my halfway split time was 1:50. But I ran the second half of the marathon in 2:35, ending my chance at victory. I will offer no excuses. My G-d didn't come through; Pat Robertson's did, that's all I can say.
Pat Robertson won, no doubt about it. But did he have to pray for my taint to feel like it was on fire? Ugh, it's better today, but my leg muscles are still very tight. I'd like to thank my friend Maggie for lending me her place for the day.
Game 4
I will pray that the Democrats take back the Congress in the 2006 election; Pat Robertson will pray that the Republicans will keep the Congress (or 1 House and a tie in the other for either of us). In the event of a split congress, the tie-breaker will be the Maryland governor's race. (Pat Robertson wins in that event that incumbent Republican Governor Robert Ehrlich retains his position, and I tie the series if Democratic candidate Martin O'Malley wins.)
Recap
Game 1: Pat Robertson's prayers for Fidel Castro's death didn't come into fruition in the allotted time. Me 1-0.
Game 2: Pat Robertson was able to pray to his bigoted lord for my romantic loneliness, for 2 weeks anyway. Series tied 1-1.
Game 3: My Jew G-d didn't help me run the Baltimore marathon in under 4 hours. Pat Robertson 2-1.
I ran the first 10 miles in 1:22 and my halfway split time was 1:50. But I ran the second half of the marathon in 2:35, ending my chance at victory. I will offer no excuses. My G-d didn't come through; Pat Robertson's did, that's all I can say.
Pat Robertson won, no doubt about it. But did he have to pray for my taint to feel like it was on fire? Ugh, it's better today, but my leg muscles are still very tight. I'd like to thank my friend Maggie for lending me her place for the day.
Game 4
I will pray that the Democrats take back the Congress in the 2006 election; Pat Robertson will pray that the Republicans will keep the Congress (or 1 House and a tie in the other for either of us). In the event of a split congress, the tie-breaker will be the Maryland governor's race. (Pat Robertson wins in that event that incumbent Republican Governor Robert Ehrlich retains his position, and I tie the series if Democratic candidate Martin O'Malley wins.)
Recap
Game 1: Pat Robertson's prayers for Fidel Castro's death didn't come into fruition in the allotted time. Me 1-0.
Game 2: Pat Robertson was able to pray to his bigoted lord for my romantic loneliness, for 2 weeks anyway. Series tied 1-1.
Game 3: My Jew G-d didn't help me run the Baltimore marathon in under 4 hours. Pat Robertson 2-1.
Friday, October 06, 2006
The Prayoffs, Game 3
Game 2 ended in disaster for me. Not only did I not find a lady friend to care for, I didn't even talk to a real live woman over the last two weeks! I'm not good with the ladies. So, Pat Robertson won easily to tie our prayoff series at 1-1.
Game 3 will take place Saturday October 14th. I will pray that I run the Baltimore marathon in under 4 hours. Pat Robertson will pray that it will take me longer to complete the marathon.
I injured my neck running last week somehow (looking down for 10 miles), so running it in under 4 hours would be just short of a miracle at this point. I told my 5 year old cousin that I couldn't play with him because my neck hurt from running. He then ran, fell down, and said, "Ouch, my neck hurts," in a real mocking fashion. Thanks Jacob, and after all of the Dora the Explorer presents I gave you (before they began to fiercely market that show to only girls. What, boys can't have female heroes?!)
You would just love me to fail, wouldn't you Pat Robertson? It would fit your stereotype of the effete super-intellectual Jew. Well Pat, I'm not going to be your Jew-monkey; I'll pray and train and try to retake the series lead.
Series recap
Game 1: I won big when Fidel Castro didn't die in the allotted time and Hugo Chavez said some crazy shit at the UN.
Game 2: Pat Robertson grabbed the victory when I hardly talked to a woman in a 2 week span, let alone found a girlfriend.
Game 3 will take place Saturday October 14th. I will pray that I run the Baltimore marathon in under 4 hours. Pat Robertson will pray that it will take me longer to complete the marathon.
I injured my neck running last week somehow (looking down for 10 miles), so running it in under 4 hours would be just short of a miracle at this point. I told my 5 year old cousin that I couldn't play with him because my neck hurt from running. He then ran, fell down, and said, "Ouch, my neck hurts," in a real mocking fashion. Thanks Jacob, and after all of the Dora the Explorer presents I gave you (before they began to fiercely market that show to only girls. What, boys can't have female heroes?!)
You would just love me to fail, wouldn't you Pat Robertson? It would fit your stereotype of the effete super-intellectual Jew. Well Pat, I'm not going to be your Jew-monkey; I'll pray and train and try to retake the series lead.
Series recap
Game 1: I won big when Fidel Castro didn't die in the allotted time and Hugo Chavez said some crazy shit at the UN.
Game 2: Pat Robertson grabbed the victory when I hardly talked to a woman in a 2 week span, let alone found a girlfriend.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
The Prayoffs, Game 2
L'Shana Tova Pat Robertson! It's been a week and as far as I know, Fidel Castro is still alive which means I win this one. In addition, Hugo Chavez said some crazy shit, making it a blowout for me. The Jew G-d is winning 1-0 over Pat Robertson's Jesus.
Game 2
In this contest, Pat Robertson and I will pray our hardest to our respective Lords over the issue of me having a girlfriend. I will pray that I will find a nice lady friend before I leave for Florida for my cousin's Jew wedding on October 6th. Not just any woman (that wouldn't be fair) but someone I truly care about. Pat Robertson, you will pray that I will not find a girlfriend that I care about (that cares about me too) before October 6, 2006.
I know I'm an underdog here. I'm short and shy and have less than two weeks to find someone, and I'm busy. And I have a face for radio and a voice for the internet (which is not a clever pun). It doesn't look good, but I won't give up hope.
Pat, why do you pray for my unhappiness? But you better hope I don't find someone, or you'll be down 0-2 in this best of seven prayoffs!
Game 2
In this contest, Pat Robertson and I will pray our hardest to our respective Lords over the issue of me having a girlfriend. I will pray that I will find a nice lady friend before I leave for Florida for my cousin's Jew wedding on October 6th. Not just any woman (that wouldn't be fair) but someone I truly care about. Pat Robertson, you will pray that I will not find a girlfriend that I care about (that cares about me too) before October 6, 2006.
I know I'm an underdog here. I'm short and shy and have less than two weeks to find someone, and I'm busy. And I have a face for radio and a voice for the internet (which is not a clever pun). It doesn't look good, but I won't give up hope.
Pat, why do you pray for my unhappiness? But you better hope I don't find someone, or you'll be down 0-2 in this best of seven prayoffs!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
The Prayoffs (Pat Robertson vs Me)
I want to determine once and for all: Who is the one true Lord? So, I challenge Pat Robertson to a pray-off.
Over the next week, Pat, you pray as hard as you can for Fidel Castro to die. I'll pray that he doesn't die, not because I'm a big Castro fan, but because I don't think it's morally right to pray for a person's death.
If Castro dies within the next week, you win. I'll admit Jesus is Lord and all that good stuff. If he doesn't die, you have to admit that Jesus is not the only path to salvation and that you're a bigoted douche.
I understand that I'm an underdog here. I am well behind Pat Robertson when it comes to our financial situations. About a billion more people believe that Jesus is divine than believe in my so-called Jew "G-d." Pat Robertson is a far more religious man than I, even if you consider Judaism a religion. And Castro is ill. But still, I have faith that I can pull an upset here.
Over the next week, Pat, you pray as hard as you can for Fidel Castro to die. I'll pray that he doesn't die, not because I'm a big Castro fan, but because I don't think it's morally right to pray for a person's death.
If Castro dies within the next week, you win. I'll admit Jesus is Lord and all that good stuff. If he doesn't die, you have to admit that Jesus is not the only path to salvation and that you're a bigoted douche.
I understand that I'm an underdog here. I am well behind Pat Robertson when it comes to our financial situations. About a billion more people believe that Jesus is divine than believe in my so-called Jew "G-d." Pat Robertson is a far more religious man than I, even if you consider Judaism a religion. And Castro is ill. But still, I have faith that I can pull an upset here.
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