The New Terror Alert System

The Department of Homeland Security has done away with the silly color code terror alert system and has come up with a new plan that gives the American public a better indication of what to expect with regards to a given terror alert level.

Terror Alert Level 1: If you see a picture of Charlie Sheen, we are at Terror Alert Level 1, also known as Terror Alert Level Charlie Sheen.

What this means: This means that all hell is breaking loose in the rest of the world, for example, in Japan, the Middle East, and Cote d'Ivoire, but we'd rather not deal with America's role in it all, so we'll focus on making fun of a celebrity experiencing a hard time.

Terror Alert Level 2: If you see a picture of a shark biting Gary Condit's penis, we are at Terror Alert Level 2, also known as Terror Alert Level Shark Biting Gary Condit's Penis.

What this means: This means that America has become so comfortable as to become complacent, which will allow for a history-changing tragedy. Place your bets.

Terror Alert Level 3: If you see a picture of George Bush in full fighter pilot regalia with a huge cod piece, we are at Terror Alert Level 3, also known as Terror Alert Level George Bush in Full Fighter Pilot Regalia with a Huge Cod Piece.

What this means: We are at war and it's going to be a long one, probably with a nation that poses us no threat, but still, your friends and family in the military will likely die. You can take solace in the fact that at least their impending deaths were needless.

Terror Alert Level 4: If you see a picture of Rudi Giuliani's bald spot, we are at Terror Alert Level 4, also known as Terror Alert Level Rudi Giuliani's Bald Spot.

What this means: A terror attack has just occurred. Be vigilant.

Terror Alert Level 5: If you see a picture of clumps of shit running down a leg, we are at Terror Level 5, also known as Terror Alert Level Clumps of Shit Running Down a Leg.

What this means: The world is about to end. Don't be vigilant; it's time to panic! Have sex with your hot relatives, kill your enemies, it doesn't matter anymore, we're all going to die!

See how simple and easy it is to decipher meaning from the New Terror Alert System? Don't you feel better already!

We are currently at Terror Alert Level Charlie Sheen.

Don't watch the BBC, it'll be depressing!