Wednesday, November 14, 2007

From the Salvation Army

Today I received a card from the Salvation Army. Here it is:

Dear Christmas Friend, (is that real thing?)
Could you open your heart and share your blessings this Christmas? (of course I could. I won't).
With your donation, we can give the less fortunate in our community holiday meals, warm clothes, toys, and Christmas joy. (what if they're a Jew or Muslim?)
A gift of any amount is very much appreciated!! (how about none?)
Thank you and God Bless. (They wrote out "God," now I can't throw out the stupid card)

On the other side:

May you have...
The Spirit of Christmas which is peace. (I'm a Jew)
The Gladness of Christmas which is hope. (I'm a Jew)
The Heart of Christmas which is love (I'm a Jew)

Have a truly blessed Christmas! (still a Jew)
-your local Salvation Army

I've written my own letter to the Salvation Army:

Dear Fuckface Friend,
Could you leave me the fuck alone this Christmas? I'm sick of this shit.
I would prefer to give a donation devoid of a proselytizing message, religious imperialism, and "Christmas joy." I give when I feel like it, not during some stupid ass commercialized holiday.
If you never contact me again, that would be greatly appreciated!!
Fuck you and go to Hell

May you have to...
Put up with tons of people wishing you a Merry Christmas which is annoying because I'm a Jew.
Confront unbelievably tacky Christmas decorations in early November which is ostentation, arrogant, and often nonsensical.
Watch the NBA and eat Chinese food on Christmas which is true, because I'm not a big movie-goer.

I hope something terrible happens to you on Christmas, like a Holocaust or a Spanish Inquisition.
-your local Kike Navy

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