Let me tell you, it's a tough job, this running a country business. Just last week I was enjoying an evening with some lovely women, celebrating the accomplishment of creating a democracy. In one short week, I am in the process of experiencing my second scandal of the past few days.
You may have come across an Assorted Press story implying that I am responsible for the murder of three men. People are calling it Gategate. These accusations are absurd. Why would I have men killed, cut up, and sent to the factory to have their remains be made into a gate? Just because they possibly embarrassed me, endangering the nation? Or because they opposed my policies?
Puh-leeze. This nation is a democracy. I value dissent... as long as it's expressed in an appropriate manner. Now, these men might have been killed by my supporters, but I cannot be expected to control the actions of everyone who supports me. I am a very handsome, intelligent, hygienic, sensual, and wise leader. But I am not a god; I cannot force anyone to do anything. Don't blame me.
Today's decrees
A word of caution to my beloved citizens: Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
The gate industry has been nationalized.
The military will here'n-now adopt a new policy called: Ask, Tell, and Go to Jail. John McCain supports it.
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