Hello fellow citizens. It has been a long time since we've spoken. I've been on vacation for the past few months. The rumors- that my hot Tajik nurse Delruba was actually a spy only sleeping with me in order to get her ideas implemented, ideas that would ultimately severely weaken our nation in retaliation for my bellicose rhetoric and the resulting breakup has crushed me to the point where I've just been in my room crying, listen to Common's Lovin' I Lost, and raping my servants in order to gain back control over something, anything- are not true.
On my vacation, I decided what my nation needs. To the citizens camping out in the streets in protest, I hear you. That is why I am calling for elections. We'll hold them in the American form.
First, there will be a series of primaries to determine the candidates in the general election. All are welcomed to run for the leadership of our great land. In fact, I dare you.
I will begin campaigning as of this moment. My campaign slogan is "GOD help you if you HOPE for CHANGE." Vote Dear and Fearless Leader!