My fellow citizens, a disturbing accusation has been made against your country. A so-called Dr. Homo von vander Schnitzel has performed a bit of sacrilege by claiming that the attacks of May 6 were not responsible for the genital warts epidemic that has engulfed our nation.
First, let's look at the so-called Dr. von vander Schnitzel. Did you know he got his medical degree from Harvard University. What happened Doc, couldn't get into Yale? Plus, his name is ridiculous. How can a man named Homo conduct accurate tests about heterosexual sex? It makes sense if you don't think about the logic of that comment too long.
Think about the implications of Homo von vander Schnitzel's accusations. How could I give the entire country genital warts? It's like I devised an intricate plan of systematic mass rape as a means to enter even the most private moments of my citizens in a show of unstoppable state control.
I mean, c'mon! This plays right into the hands of the world's number one terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas.
In unrelated news, Dr. Homo von vander Schnitzel has just been taken into custody for jaywalking.
Today's decrees
All cars with a license plate that has the letters "TJT" please report to the DMV by Tuesday for a new license plate. Otherwise you will be viewed as supporting terrorism.
Jaywalking is now considered a capital offense.
If your restaurant claims it closes at 10pm, it better not close at a quarter of!
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