War

My fellow citizens, when our nation was savagely attacked back on May 6, we all knew this day would come. As a matter of national security, our nation has declared war on the infamous terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas, and his murderous network, al-Boreland. Since al-Boreland is not a state, but an organization largely located on one of those internet web forums, we will attack Tajikistan, which is where TJT is harbored.

No one says this war will be easy. As a nation, we must sacrifice. War demands it. For starters, all of our nation's Tajik restaurants must change the name of their osh to "freedom osh." There will be other, more difficult, sacrifices to come once I think of them.

This will not be a conventional war. Mostly because we don't have any war-ready weapons. Not a one. It also doesn't help that the entire world is on Tajikistan's side. So we're a little short on ideas about how exactly to run the war. We thought about hacking into Tajikistan's government website and drawing stupid-looking mustaches on their leaders. But all of Tajikistan's leaders already have stupid-looking mustaches and none of my minions knew how to hack into a website anyway.

So, I'm opening up to any suggestions that you, my fellow citizens, may have. I'll be on The Randy and Sammy Radio Hour tomorrow at 10am, only on WDFL 103.7, taking your calls on how to run this war. Any and all thoughts are welcomed.

Today's decrees
That's 103.7 at 10am. This is your chance to be the next Donald Rumsfeld.

This war is dedicated to all those who lost their loves as a result of the attacks of May 6, 2011. And Colombo. Oh, Colombo, we really could have used your disheveled ingenuity in planning this war against mastermind terrorist TJT and the nation of Tajikistan. Why did you have to leave us during our hour of discontent?

Our top scientists are undergoing research which seems to suggest that Mountain Dew shrinks your balls. This could very well be the miracle treatment to cure our nationwide genital warts epidemic. Smaller balls = Smaller genital warts. I would encourage all male citizens to drink copious amounts of Mountain Dew.