Friends! Three years of tyranny ends tonight! We have overthrown the Dear and Fearless Leader and, in the process, liberated our nation from his dictatorial and arbitrary rule. A new dawn is upon us.
Our list of grievances is long. The Dear and Fearless Leader stole an election, provoked and eventually went to war with Tajikistan, gave us all genital warts, forced us to buy his terrible book, and changed our nation's currency to chest hair just to name a few.
We need new leadership. That's why I, your former Minister of Defense and the Interior, the Feared and Peerless Leader will lead a cabal of military chiefs until we are ready for fair and free elections. We will not commit the sins of my brother, the Dear and Fearless Leader. We renounce his corruption, dictatorship, and nepotism.
We support capitalism, democracy, and freedom. We will not antagonize the world, as did my brother. We will act as partners with the rest of the world. Privatization of the economy, elections, and laws granting our countrymen liberty will come as fast as is humanly possible.
I understand our people want justice. But we must show compassion for my brother. Yes, he led us down a dark alley. But we must not revisit the sins of the past and, instead, we must focus on the future. We can make our nation great. Follow our lead and we will all enjoy the fruit of prosperity!
The military junta, led by the Feared and Peerless Leader, now runs our great land.
The Dear and Fearless Leader will be granted a pardon and will be asked to leave our nation.