I am pleased to announce the results of the first caucus of our presidential race, my fellow citizens. Apparently, I have been declared the winner with 124.6% of the vote. No leader has reached this electoral height since Angola's Jose Eduardo dos Santos garnered 135% in 1992. Here are the full results:
Dear and Fearless Leader: 124.6%
Betty Buxom: 7.8%
Oboto Chiluba:: -32.4%
Since my win in our nation's first vote was so convincing, there really is no need to continue with the election. It's clear, you like me, you really like me!
I am hereby a democratically elected and legitimate leader. I must say, it feels good. First and foremost, I want to thank my god. I'd like to thank the voters. And last but not least, I'd like to thank your god, ME!