Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Inaugural Address

My fellow citizens, I sincerely thank you for your vote. You have made your voice heard and the world is listening. You have told the world that, regardless of what they think, you support innovative ideas and creative solutions to our nation's profuse troubles. He rebuked the naysayers who accuse your leader of dictatorship, authoritarianism, and other neo-colonial euphemisms. We, as a people, are free from outside domination. We are a self-determined people and act in no nation's interest save our own.

When a leader does not have legitimacy in the international community, it can be difficult to fulfill one's promise and to provide his populace with the fuel they need to thrive. This conundrum has caused some of the difficulties that have dotted my rule thus far, such as the various Tajikistan crises, the strange suicide epidemic among critics of my regime, and many others. Now that I am a democratically elected leader, the international community will  hopefully remove the obstacles to our progress.

My new term will feature a reshaping of our society into a blissful utopian that will satisfy our deepest desires, passions, and grant us everlasting happiness. But I don't want to oversell it. Let our path towards the "New Society" begin.

Today's decrees
Dairy products are hereby deemed fresh a month beyond the "sell by" date.

To celebrate our nation's diversity we will promote a different ethnic group each month and persecute them because they are responsible for our coming up short of this new utopian vision I've espoused. First up, the Druze. Next month, the Circassions. Then the Kurds.

Ay man caught with slick-backed hair will have the slick-backed part shaved off by our vaunted Fashion Police.

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