My fellow citizens, our war plans have been implemented and, so far, have met with mixed success. Our group of male and female sex tourists, sent to Dushanbe in order to spread genital herpes throughout Tajikistan, has hit a snag. Evidently, the Tajiks don't want to have sex with them. If you've ever seen a Tajik woman, you know what kind of knock to our national pride that truly is.
We sent the bad luck charm, disguised as a good luck charm, from the Amazon Basin. We'll have to see if the corruption-ridden, terrorist-filled, post-Soviet Hades that is Tajikistan will receive bad luck in the near future.
And our polite request for Tajikistan to turn over terrorist # 1, TJT, has been denied. Those dirty Tajik bastards wrote, "We would be willing to help you capture this vicious terrorist, except you have threatened to knee our president in a sensitive area if we should comply. So we will have to respectfully decline in providing your nation any aid at this point."
In all honesty, I should have seen that it was absurd to believe I could plan a war based on callers' suggestions during a one-hour radio program.
I decree that we create a reality show in order to choose the person who is best qualified to run this unconventional war. The show will be called War Idol and the pilot will air next week.
While its exact content is still in development, we know that there will be several contestants vying for the position and you, the beloved citizens of our great land, will have the opportunity to text in your vote each week. Who says my country isn't democratic?
Ryan Seacrest has been appointed as our new Minister of Ceremonies.