Ryan Seacrest: Welcome to a brand new reality show, War Idol. Each week, you, the audience, will vote which contestants will stay and which will leave. The winner will plan the war with Tajikistan and win a $25,000 recording contract.
Of course, planning this war won't be easy. The Dear and Fearless Leader's country doesn't have any war-ready weapons. So, unconventional ideas are needed. Tonight, our contestants will reveal one idea for the war while performing a hidden talent. Now, let's meet our first contestant. First, we have Precious Ajenta. Precious serves the nation as an accountant. Welcome Precious.
Precious Ajenta: Thanks Ryan.
Ryan: Precious will now hula-hoop while announcing her idea as Friends of Distinction's Going in Circles plays over the loudspeaker. When you're ready, Precious.
Precious [takes deep breath and begins hula-hooping]: We should send hoards of Jehovah's Witnesses over to Tajikistan and have them ring doorbells and preach the wisdom within The Tiny Teal Book.
Ryan: That was wonderful, Precious. A great idea! Was this a fun experience for you?
Precious: It's always fun when I get to please the Dear and Fearless and the nation.
Ryan: Alright, thank you Precious. Next up is Clint Uppenarms. Clint works at McDonald's. How's that job going for you, Clint?
Clint Uppenarms: I live to serve the Dear and Fearless Leader in anyway he sees fit.
Ryan: Alright, Clint. Loosen up buddy. Clint will now present his idea for the war with Tajikistan while performing a walking handstand. Let's see it, Clint.
Clint [walking on his hands]: I propose we send over our women and have them rub their hairy armpits in those ugly Tajik's faces.
Ryan: Interesting idea, Clint.
I decree that War Idol is hereby canceled. Wow, that show was terrible.
I'd rather pick war ideas out of a hat than continue watching that terrible show. I also, decree that host and executive producer Ryan Seacrest will be killed.