My fellow citizens, I'm sure you are well aware that we are fighting a vicious terrorist named Taylor Jonathan Thomas and his dangerous network al Bore-Land, who are out to destroy our land until our we offer better nightlife options. Well, we will never succumb to the pressures of deranged maniacs. Instead, we will do what any great nation would do and go way overboard in the other direction.
Today's decrees
We will attack Tajikistan, a nation harboring TJT. Just not now. At this moment, Tajikistan is like the most popular girl in high school and we're like the dorky dimwitted short kid who always wears sweatpants and knows every sports statistic ever conceived. But as soon as the rest of the world is not on Tajikistan's side, we're attacking!
The "I Love My Mother" Act is now law. It includes the following:
All alcohol is banned. If a devious organization such as al Bore-Land wants a more active nightlife, then doing the exact opposite must be the right thing to do.
Dancing is banned. Unless, you're really really good.
An 11pm curfew will be in effect unless you are going out to get a Slurpee or going to the Taco Bell.
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