- Take Tajikistan off all of our maps and relabel it "Palestine"
- Have our kids engage in a canned food drive at their schools. Have them bring the worst canned foods you've got. Dented cans encouraged. Then we'll send them over to Tajikistan
- Make it so that when you google Tajikistan President Emomali Rahmon, the first result comes up, "The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex"
- Buy lots of tupperware from the Container Store and have our most virile men continuously jerkoff in them. Then we'll Fed Ex the unmarked containers of jizz over to Tajikistan and let them figure out what it is
- Dress up like a pimp with a hidden camera and try to get their leaders to say something incriminating
- Write insensitive tweets about those filthy Tajiks and their reputedly slutty mothers
- Send a guy over there to buy up all their dates. That way when Ramadan rolls around, they won't have dates to break their fast
Today's decrees
Here are some of the better ideas from yesterday's radio show that we're going to go with:
- Send state-sponsored tour groups to Dushanbe to have sex with the Tajiks, thereby giving them genital warts
- Mail them good luck beads from an indigenous tribe located in the Amazon Basin. In reality, they will be bad luck beads from said indigenous tribe located in the Amazon Basin
- Ask Tajikistan nicely to turn over notorious terrorist TJT. Tajikistan agrees. At the meeting where TJT is to be turned over to us, run up and knee the Tajik president in that area right above his penis but below his stomach and run away laughing
I wonder if it's sound policy to publicly announce your war plans in decree form. I know! I decree that our enemies cannot read the above decree.
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