2008 Presidential Candidates Update

I've had a lot of trouble getting this post up, but I'll try again.

Democrats:
Barack Obama - Could be the first Irish guy elected since Kennedy. Oh, he's not Irish?
Hillary Clinton - I liked her policies better when they were Joe Lieberman's. She said that she'll leave troops in Iraq and she still won't admit that her vote for the war was a mistake. Will she admit that taking us into Iran was a mistake ten years from now?
John Edwards - Wife has cancer. As long as he doesn't have cancer, there's still a chance I'll vote for him.
Bill Richardson - He's Latino. Pleeeease believe him, he is!
Chris Dodd - Syllables in his name say yes, everything else says no.
Dennis Kucinich - This generation's Ross Perot should give it up. He's a congressperson and has a nice tall wife, that should be good enough.
Joe Biden - I'll give him one more slur until he drops out of the race. My prediction, he'll say something racist, but well-intentioned, about Mexicans.
Mike Gravel - Retired from the senate before I was born. He's the grandson of Flintstone's character Mr. Gravel.

Republicans:
Rudi Giuliani - I think he may have had another scandal, but did you know that he was mayor of New York during 9/11. And it was the 9/11 that counts, not some shit like 9/11/1986 (take that Ed Koch).
John McCain - Considers Baghdad a tourist paradise. He used to be a Maverick and now is a Hawk. He's giving up a lot of wins with that trade.
Chuck Hagel - Called a meeting to say he likes the show American Idol. He votes regularly by text message.
Mitt Romney - His ancestors were reportedly polygamists. Mitt is a poly-masturbator. What a great country!
Duncan Hunter - I'm sticking with the gay rumor. Hey, I've got a 10% chance of being right. That's what he gets for being against gay rights.
Tommy Thompson - Sorry buttercup, no repeating names.
Tom Tancredo - He really hates Mexicans. But is it enough to win the nomination? You gotta respect that kind of passion and dedication to a single issue. I'd love to see a Richardson-Tancredo matchup, but alas, we may have to leave that one to the imagination.
Fred Thompson - Sorry, I don't watch Law and Order.
Mike Huckabee - Face looks like a beaver. Even more than William McKinley.
Ron Paul, Jim Gilmore - I still have no idea who these people are and I looked them up!