Tuesday, February 24, 2015

New Mental Disorder Discovered

A scientific study finds that parking illegally in handicap spots is associated with a newly discovered mental disorder. The illness is called Narcissistic Psychopathic Douchebag Disorder and it affects roughly 75% of Americans.

The disorder apparently comes in several different forms. There's the "Wait in the Car" version, the mildest discovered. Next is the "I'll Just Be a Minute" version where the sick soul thinks that inconveniencing a disabled person briefly is acceptable. This is most common in delivery people.

There's also the far more serious "Park and Leave" version in which the ill individual has no regard for anybody but themselves. The side effects are utter laziness, a complete lack of empathy, and acute anal resemblance.

The final and most frightening version is the "Curb Cut Blocker." This person not only parks illegally in a handicap spot, but also parks their vehicle in such a way that wheelchair users cannot get onto or off of a sidewalk. Jeffrey Dahmer was allegedly a "Curb Cut Blocker" and so is Mel Gibson.

There are no known treatments to those who suffer from the disorder. Scientists have tried instilling the affected with doses of compassion and empathy, but that hasn't seemed to work. Researchers are now experimenting with providing sufferers with a daily pill called AyKlew.  If all else fails, another proposed alternative is prolonged electrocution to the genitals until the mentally ill person parks literally ten feet away in a legal space.

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