the new star on the Animal Planet Network. It's true, I'm not a big fan of animals. In my life, I've only liked 2 dogs, 1 fish, and a few tortoises. With the rest of the animal kingdom I have a deal: you don't bother me, I don't bother you.
If I were the star of Animal Planet, I wouldn't take the nickname of, say, "The Crocodile Hunter" and then pretend that I'm "saving" the very same crocodiles that my nickname suggests that I'm hunting.
I wouldn't wrestle with gators, claiming that I needed to jump on the animal and tie it up, because we have to move it to a pond five feet to the left otherwise it might die. I wouldn't piss off a snake for ratings, though I say it's for the sake of the snake's well-being. I have more respect for the viewer and the animal than that. I also wouldn't continuously prove myself a fraud, even in death, by receiving a sting ray slash to the heart, even though sting rays don't attack unless they feel threatened. And I wouldn't talk with a stupid-ass Australian accent.
Instead, my show would consist of true acts of compassion towards animals. "The Puppy Tolerater" would stop his car when a squirrel jumped in front of his moving vehicle. He would reluctantly pet a friend's dog. He would slip outside when his cat allergy acted up, instead of jumping on the cat to save it like some other deceased so-called animal activists.
I feel for Steve Irwin's family and friends, but the animals are safer.
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