China's Battle Royale

16 competitors. Single elimination tournament. 4 wins to ultimate glory.

The Column 1 bracket includes:
Mao Zedong vs Dai Jitao (Communist leader against an early influential Nationalist)
Zheng He vs Chiang Kai-shek (15th century naval admiral battling Head Nationalist)
Zhou Enlai vs John Chinaman (Mao's #2 facing off against the West's stereotypical Chinaman)
Deng Xiaoping vs Yao Ming (Communist leader squares off against NBA player)

The Column 2 bracket:
Sun Yatsen vs Puyi (Father of modern China goes toe-to-toe with the last Qing emperor)
Hu Jintao vs Leader of the Boxer Uprising (China's current leader faces, well, you can read)
Yen Fu vs MC Hotdog (Late 19th century intellectual battling current emcee)
Liang Qichao vs Wang Xiaonong (Both late 19th century, intellectual against actor)

Let's get it on....

Round 1
Mao Zedong vs Dai Jitao
In the beginning this one looked even. The prize was there for both of them to take. But which one would resonate with the Chinese people: Communism or Nationalism? Dai tried to argue that class consciousness had nothing to do with China becoming a strong nation, but Mao shot all of Dai's friends dead. Suddenly, Dai starts accepting that class conflict plays a role. But he's still hanging on by a thread. That's when Mao uses his charisma to draw Dai in close. Mao implements the "Spit For Class Consciousness" and Dai drowns in a puddle of Mao's saliva. It's all over. Communism will prevail in China for now. And Mao advances to the quarterfinals.

Zheng He vs Chiang Kai-shek
Chiang Kai-shek knows he has to act quickly and violently if he wants to win. He runs up to Zheng He (pronounced Chung Her) and kicks the great admiral in the balls. Zheng feigns pain then turns around and slaps Chiang. Chiang gets up and continuously kicks Zheng in the crotch. It has no affect of Zheng. Zheng He takes Chiang out to sea and starts drowning him. An inch from death it occurs to Chiang, Zheng He is a eunuch! Chiang forced himself out of the water and gave Zheng He some Leninist party action to the throat. The Chiang purges the shit out Zheng He until the "Ball-less Wonder" relents. It's all over. Chiang wins and will face Mao next.

Zhou Enlai vs John Chinaman
Zhou Enlai was walking by when he saw John Chinaman, the Western perception of the stereotypical average Chinese person during the early 20th century, shitting in the middle of the street. After shitting, John grabs a woman and sneezed on her, while his pants were still down. Then he pulls them up without wiping. Zhou Enlai, Mao's number 2, runs up behind him and shoves John down onto his own poop. John then takes a fist-full of the poop and flings it at Zhou. But Zhou's diplomatic talents negotiate the poop past his face. Zhou has John in an embarrassing position when John lets off some gas in Zhou's face. Zhou then talks to John Chinaman until the latter was shamed. John Chinaman changes his name to something more Chinese sounding and now works in a factory to fulfill his revolutionary duty. It's all over. Zhou wins.

Deng Xiaoping vs Yao Ming
Deng, the leader of the Communist party towards the end of the 20th century, walks up to the center for the Houston Rockets, Yao Ming, with confidence. Yao then grabs Deng by the head and dunks him. Reeling, Deng pulls himself together and convinces Yao that the only reason he plays in the NBA in America is because of the former head of the CCP's exploits. Deng economically opened up China to capitalist investment. That's the only reason why Yao is so big, filling every billboard in China. Deng reverses history and closes China back up. Instantly, Yao shrinks from 7'5" to 4'9". Deng punches Yao in the face until Yao dies. It's all over. Deng wins. He'll face Zhou next.

Sun Yatsen vs Puyi
Sun Yatsen, in the name of resurrecting a strong China, revolts against Emperor Puyi, he's known as the last Qing emperor for a reason. Sun ousts the young Puyi from power and continues his quest for empowering the Chinese nation. It's all over. Sun is victorious.

Hu Jintao vs the Leader of the Boxer Uprising
Hu Jintao is a bit worried. Internet voting has put him as a decided underdog to win it all. As he waits, his nerves increase, but he stands still. His feet begin to hurt and he sits down. After much time, the match is called. The Boxer Uprising of 1900 never had a true leader in order to combat the "kill the head and the body will fall" policy of the Qing. It's all over before it starts. Hu stays alive for another round and will face Sun.

Yen Fu vs MC Hotdog
First MC Hotdog busts a few rhymes. Yen Fu bops his head a bit, with a quite confidence. MC Hotdog delivers a few verbal jabs at Yen Fu, but Yen remains steady. Then it's Yen's turn. The late 19th century scholar and textual translator lectures MC Hotdog on principles of democracy and how MC Hotdog should rap about that, its a wicked punch to Hotdog's gut. Then Yen talks about liberalism and Hotdog can't challenge him there either. It's turning into a route. MC Hotdog comes back with the fact that Yen's ideas are all Western-based, but Yen blocks that attempt, claiming that it doesn't matter where the ideas come from as long as it helps the Chinese nation. Anyway, Yen's beliefs are rooted in Chinese tradition more than MC Hotdog's music. MC Hotdog is on the ropes after that wicked counter. Then Yen finishes him off with Social Darwinist theory. "The Chinese man eats the hotdog and is thus a higher form of species." BLAW! it's all over. Yen wins.

Liang Qichao vs Wang Xiaonong
Liang is a smart guy. He knows medicine and political theory. But his fellow late 19th century contemporary, Wang, can act and write plays. He writes a play that nearly convinces Liang of his position. The play compares the destitute situation of China at the turn of the century with that of Poland. If China does not become a strong state, then it will be partitioned just like Poland. Liang is knocked outside of the ring and to the ground. Wang raises his fist in triumph. But here comes Liang with a turkey, the country that Wang inaccurately portrayed as Poland's partitioner in his play. BAM! Liang smacks Wang with a turkey to the face. It's all over. Liang will matchup against Yen Fu in the next round.