Hello and welcome to the first round of the Tournament of Nonviolent Heroes, sponsored by Tide. We are preparing for our opening death match on our way towards determining the greatest nonviolent hero of all time. First up is an 8/9 contest between Petra Kelly and Kwame Nkrumah. The two competitors are...
Oh my word, what's this? All hell is breaking loose. I have never seen such a disgusting display of diplomatic discourse in all my days. This is a disaster! Martin Luther King and Oscar Romero are over in one corner discussing the Gospels. There is Gandhi and Rigoberto Menchu making light-hearted jokes at the expense of their oppressors. The empathy and compassion is palpable in this arena right now. It is impossible to hold a series of death matches in this kind of environment.
My career is ruined! I've lost my investors money. Now Harriet Tubman is trading harrowing stories with Nelson Mandela. No, don't do that! Fight each other to the death! How can this get any worse? What's that?
Someone just asked me if the proceeds from ticket sales will go to help Afghan orphans. Of course not! Get away from here. Oh, the humanity! I almost feel like dropping everything and moving to Zambia to help widows afflicted with AIDS. Almost. I think I'm going to wretch...
So that's the story from the aborted Tournament of Nonviolent Heroes, sponsored by Tide. The combatants have decided to band together to encourage peace and love for the entire human family. And as for me, I will be forced back into promoting celebrity boxing matches featuring Jose Canseco and Tonya Harding. Good night.
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