Wow, what a seven months it's been! Late last August, I was grocery shopping. I forgot to pay for a few thousand dollars worth of groceries I had picked out and a policeman came and stopped me. As it turns out, I apparently "fit the description" of a local rapist.
Let me explain what happened. I read an article online that it is very important in America to avoid falling into the "friendzone" with a woman. You can tell that's you're in the friendzone if a woman talks to you about her issues with other men, if she says, "You're such a good friend," or if she asks you for a ride to the airport. So, every time a woman would try to put me in the friendzone, I did everything I could to avoid that horrid area. The jury said that I was- unbeknownst to me- committing rape. I also embezzled $400 million dollars. This very journal was used as evidence to show my "infatuation and desire to rape."
But I have an amazing lawyer. His name is Don West. In his opening statement at my trial, Mr. West began, "Let me, at considerable risk, let me say, I’d like to tell you a little joke. I know how that may sound a bit weird, in this context, under these circumstances, but I think you’re the perfect audience for it. As long as you don’t, if you don’t like it, or you don’t think it’s funny or appropriate, that you don’t hold it against the former Dear and Fearless Leader. You can hold it against me, but not the former Dear and Fearless Leader."
He continued, "Here’s how it goes: Knock knock. Who’s there? The former Dear and Fearless Leader. The Former Dear and Fearless Leader who? All right. Good, you’re on the jury.”
Everyone was in stitches. The judge, the jury, the prosecution, the audience, everyone fell over laughing. There was a ten minute delay until everyone could catch their breaths. I think that was part of the reason why I only received six months for serial rape and massive embezzlement.
While in prison, I dispersed the fraudulent funds creating havoc in the U.S. Mass shootings, bombings, the NRA were all funded by me and my dirty money. As you might imagine, this created some tension between myself and the U.S.
Instead of holding a huge public hearing in which the U.S. would have to admit that it gave a deposed "vile dictator" refuge, I was deported from the country. I'm not welcomed home because my brother, the Feared and Peerless, would have me killed.
So, now I'm stuck in an airport in Moscow. No country will offer me asylum, not even Ecuador. A person can only eat so much borscht in a week. I'm going to have to think of a way out of this predicament. Bye for now!!!!!