We have a near-epidemic in our land. People who disagree with the government seem to be suffering from depression and ultimately committing suicide in droves. So, in an effort to remedy the problem, I've decided to ban a number of methods of suicide that have become prominent.
These forms of suicide are now banned:
- Shooting yourself in the head 41 times.
- Stabbing yourself in the back 17 times.
- Shooting your taxi driver in the head so that he drives off a cliff.
- Shoving your rectum down your own throat, forcing you to continuously eat your own shit.
- Cutting off all of your limbs and then tying yourself to the railroad tracks in time for the 5:15.
- Placing your still-attached head on a tee at Fenway Park and having David Ortiz take a whack at it.
- Going to jail on trumped up charges and being mysteriously murdered while incarcerated.
In other decrees, I have won the first annual Champion of Mental Health Award for my actions concerning our nation's increased suicide rate. Me, your Dear and Fearless Leader! It's quite an honor.