President Cult-personality

The former president of Turkmenistan, Saparmurat Niyazov a.k.a. the Turkmen Wayne Newton, has made me wonder: what if I was president-for-life and able to impose my cult-personality on my country?

Here's what I would do:

• Similar to Niyazov, I would name every day, month and street after my mother.
• I would name every illness or ailment and it's medicine or surgery after my brother.
• My entire cabinet would be made up of women who I am attracted to; they like me and could potentially go for me, but given the choice they'd rather not.
• The make up of my cabinet would provide the necessary sexual tension to result in good governance. Or maybe the necessary sexual tension to result in catastrophic governance. Either way, it would make a great reality show.
• I wouldn't crack down on dissenters. But if you criticized me or my cabinet, you would be labeled an anti-Semite or a sexist (or both!)
• I would have to sign off on whether a college player could leave school early to enter the NBA Draft.
• Religious freedoms would be upheld, but at every Christian funeral, someone is required to say, "I guess Jesus isn't so powerful after all."
• I would ban all vegetables and torture underground vegetable-pushers by shoving lettuce up their ass until they died.
• More Reggaeton!