My Sex Scandal

I have recently been caught in a sex scandal. It has been reported (here) that I have engaged in pre-marital masturbation while fantasizing about a woman who is not my wife. Though I was wearing protection, I would like to take this time to apologize for my actions.

Despite my apologies (which can be found here), the fall out has been swift and complete.

Senator David Vitter regarded my actions as, "Those unbecoming of a civilized human being. This sexual exploit is so devious that it will leave a permanent stain on his reputation."

Senator Larry Craig thought my morals were lacking. "Never in my life have I heard of such a despicable act. This is beyond reproach. He should lose his job over this for the sake of the nation."

Former Congressman Mark Foley describes his emotions over my scandal as such, "Rarely does a person commit such a horrible crime against basic human decency that I am moved into a state of shock. This goes even beyond that sentiment. I have no words for how atrocious I find his character to be."

Former Senator Gary Hart asked the question, "Who masturbates with a condom on?"

Former President Bill Clinton remarked, "You call this a scandal? Jerking off is a scandal? Go get tag teamed by a couple of leggy chicks with dicks and then give me a call, " adding, "Seriously, if that ever happens, gimme a call. I'm gonna wanna be there!"

I accept full responsibility for my actions. I only ask for mercy from my adoring fans. If I have upset you with my masturbatory escapades, charge it to my head and not to my heart. My head, so limited in its finitude; my heart, which is boundless in its love for the human family. I am not a perfect servant. I am a public servant doing my best against the odds. As I develop and serve, be patient: G-d is not finished with me yet.