Rocky VI

Rocky is my favorite movie. Rocky II is my second favorite movie. Rocky III is my third favorite movie. Rocky IV is my fourth favorite movie. Rocky V was ok, but we don't speak of Rocky V in my presence.

I saw the trailer for Rocky VI. Of course, I'm going to go see the movie anyway. But what's with Rocky's opponent Mason "The Line" Dixon? The Rocky movies have always been meaningful. The first two were, well, very good. Rocky III taught us about overcoming racism and anti-Semitism. Rocky IV ended the Cold War. Rocky V, uh, I don't know, explored the toll that AIDS can take. Mason Dixon? The Civil War's been over already for a little while.

Rocky should have fought the much feared and little understood Muhammad Islam. Islam is known for his power punches that leave him open for counterattacks; a style that garnered him the nickname of (sigh) "Suicide Bomber." Rocky travels to Iran to box Muhammad "Suicide Bomber" Islam. Instead of simply counterpunching Muhammad's fearsome punches, Rocky attempts the impossible, out-punching him. There they are for 12 rounds, stubbornly wailing on each other, until Rocky's heart and determination pulls him to victory. After the fight, he announces his love and respect for Muhammad Islam and they become friends, ending the War on Terror.

or

Rocky takes on the muscle-bound gay fighter, Lance Julian. Pauly says that Rocky shouldn't fight Lance Julian because he might catch gay, but Rocky knows that he must fight and beat Julian if he wants to cement his name as one of the all-time greats. In the ring, Julian pounds Rocky all night long. Rocky blocks his advances and begins beating Julian off of his game. Rocky triumphantly brings Lance Julian to his knees. After the fight the two warriors hug shirtless and heterosexism ends.