Election 2006 News

As part of the HarazQuack Times continuing election coverage, we have breaking news...

In Tennessee, Congressman Harold Ford saved a bunch of children from a burning school bus today. Meanwhile, former Chattanooga mayor Bob Corker claimed that he could beat Jesus in basketball because Jesus is "a girlie man." Jesus could not be reached for comment.

Virginia incumbent senator George Allen hates Indians (both kinds), blacks, Jews (even though his mother is Jewish. Keep in mind Jews do not believe that Jesus is the Lord and do not believe in good Christian family values), soccer moms, NASCAR dads, and people with 20-30 vision or worse. Jim Webb only hates one group- women.

Conrad Burns from Montana once killed a man named Trevor Burbeck, not to be confused with former heavyweight champion Trevor Burbick, who was shot and killed in Jamaica recently. His opponent Jon Tester loves America. When asked what Tester loves most about America, he said, "The people, especially people from Montana [of voting age]."

Senator from Rhode Island, Lincoln Chafee's name sounds way worse than that of his opponent Sheldon Whitehouse.

Missouri incumbent Jim Talent bet on the Mets to beat the Cards in the NLCS. He also has wondered why "a shitty town like St. Louis deserved a football team over Los Angeles?" His challenger, Claire McCaskill has never killed someone who didn't deserve it, I'm guessing.

Rick Santorum, the incumbent senator from Pennsylvania, hates all things gay, but he once had a "gay experiment"- it's called his life. He especially enjoys watching half-naked men wrestle each other for his political ads. Bob Casey supports a strong America.

While incumbent senator Bob Menendez once hid a dead hooker in the trunk of his car, keep in mind that it was Tom Keane's fist that delivered the fatal blow.

Ohio's Mike DeWine downloaded AIM for Mark Foley. DeWine suggested the screen name MAF54 for Foley. He also told him to "hookup with some pages." Sherrod Brown enjoys baseball and apple pie.