Jesus Speaks!

My name has been used to justify many different political causes. I'm here to set the record straight and I was told that this is the most popular site on the internet with nearly 7 readers. I trust that the proprietor of this webpage is an honest man.

The Christian conservative agenda is completely and totally correct. I personally selected George W. Bush to be President of the United States because I knew he would institute my vision of this great country that I constantly bless.

I believe that the SPs (secular progressives) have taken G-d out of American public schools and it is ruining the country. There needs to be a place to focus one's energy towards praying to my dad, like a school or a churc... oh. I guess churches suffice. Let me try this from a different angle. G-d is everywhere. So saying SPs take G-d out of schools then would, well, grant them a power that they don't have. And I guess there's really no need to reinforce the dominant religion at the expense of the rest of the populace. Hmmm, perhaps I haven't thought this one through.

One thing I do know is that abortion is wrong. It's right there in the Ten Commandments: Thou shall not kill. That makes sense. As far as the death penalty, you are allowed to kill people who you judge worthy of dying. Well, except G-d is supposed to be the only judge, so that doesn't really work. When you kill someone, even one deemed a criminal, you are acting as if you were G-d and, well, that's wrong. Damn it. Well the Iraq war is right, because it's a justified war.

Hold on. Again, that's judging whether or not someone's death is justified and thus playing G-d. That Commandment is pretty blunt. Thou shall not kill. There are not footnotes on that one. I guess the only possible loophole would be if one was not a human, but instead just a collection of cells combined at conception. Shit. I thought I had it all figured out there for a minute.

I tell you one thing, G-d hates fags! My dad just really despises them. I mean, G-d is a G-d of love, but hating fags is an act of love. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding. G-d doesn't hate anyone. In fact, I have a feeling G-d won't appreciate using language that belittles others. That one never had a chance, I suppose.

I favored Bush's tax cuts though. They help people who have already worked hard to become wealthy. Sure I said that a rich man has about as much chance to make it into Heaven as a camel has of passing through the eye of a needle, but I didn't mean financially rich. I meant spiritually rich. No, that doesn't make any damn sense.

Maybe my views don't really match up with those of Christian conservatives. I really should have had definitive viewpoints before I broke my 2,000 year silence. I humbly apologize.

With Love For Every Human Being,
Jesus H. Christ