December 24, 2006
To whom it may concern,I know what you think of me. When my time on earth has passed, you will think of two things: my pardon of Richard Nixon and the Saturday Night Live sketch where Dana Carvey impersonates Tom Brokaw announcing my death. I'm ok with that.
I'm the twentieth century version of Rutherford B. Hayes. In 20 years, I will be the answer to an obscure trivia question. Who was the 38th President of the United States? Most will answer: Nixon? Reagan? Only the truly nerdy will know it's me. And I hope that knowledge gets somebody some action with their lady friend sometime.
The 38th President of the United States. The number 38 is tied with any subsequent even number for the honor of being the least divisible even number above 36. That sums up my presidency: not very divisible. What? What does that even mean?
I'm accused of not being so coherent just because I fell down quite often and pledged that Poland would not succumb to the communists several decades after it had already done so. But I know enough to assert that Iraq was a mistake. Of course the Iraq I'm talking about refers to a Scrabble game with Betty back in 1987. Iraq is a proper noun and thus is an illegal play in Scrabble. Betty lost her turn, but doggone it, she won in the end.
I think I'm about done here. I would just like to end by saying that I never intended to be president and my term in office proves that. As a president, I was a great football player.
God Bless,
Gerald R. Ford
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