Recap of the 2008 Election

It was a historic campaign (aren't they all?). Here are some of the highlights.

The two early favorites for the Democratic nomination were Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Here was analysis of the state of the race on 2/28/07. About Hillary Clinton: Let me first say that I love women. I have friends who are women and I even have women in my family. That being said, a woman cannot be president because they are too feeble and dainty.

About Barack Obama: I was the first to mention that his name rhymes with Iraq Hussein Osama. I won't be the last.

But there were other candidates in the running. John Edwards' attractiveness made me question my sexuality. John McCain spent five years in a North Vietnamese POW camp, which earned him the nickname "Maverick." Eh, it's not worth it if you ask me. Bill Richardson, as you can tell by his name, was the Mexican candidate. Tom Tancredo ran on the platform of shipping Richardson back to Mexico.

By March, the election was heating up. Here's what I had to say on 3/30/07. I was the first to compare Barack to JFK, by wondering if Obama would be the first Irish president since Kennedy. I thought Joe Biden might make another gaffe by saying something racist, but well-intentioned, about Mexicans. I reported that John McCain planned on vacationing in that tourist paradise known as Baghdad. I was the first to mention that Mike Huckabee's face looks like a beaver.

The debates were well on their way by 5/6/07. I was the one guy watching. I felt that Joe Biden and Mike Gravel should drop out of the race by that point. Biden was your friendly neighborhood racist. Oh c'mon, he didn't mean it like that! Gravel only kept running in order to embarrass his grandchildren.

On 7/23/07, I thought that John McCain Wayne's close relationship with George Pubic-Hair might cost him the election.

My analysis of the 463rd Democratic debate was delivered on 7/24/07. Apparently, Joe Biden performed nicely. He was the only one who can tell a joke. There's an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee: You maybe probably shouldn't vote for president based on joke-telling ability. Also, I respected John Edwards' commitment to the poor and his ability to communicate with the dead. That'll come in handy as his wife has cancer.

On 11/1/07, John McCain unveiled a new campaign pledge penned by Tom Petty.

By 1/27/08, there was voting going on. In South Carolina, the question the media asked was: would black women vote for Obama (because he's black) or Clinton (because she's a woman)? And what if black people wanted a president with "experience" or white people wanted a president who would bring about "change?" Those people were forced to kill themselves or vote for John Edwards. It all reminded me of the days when Lincoln and Douglas used to have four-hour debates that usually consisted of more than one word. Although the media did portray the race as "beard" versus "shaved."

On 1/30/08 , I observed that Clinton campaigned like my six-year old cousin plays video games, changing the rules when they start to lose. I mentioned that Romney was slimy and I offered to blow up McCain's house (before I knew he had 6 more) and then build him a new one. I got the idea from his Iraq policy. I also wanted to disenfranchise old people.

I recapped Super Tuesday on 2/6/08. I also reported that Obama's "Change" signs were a big hit in the neo-nazi community. Except they blotted out the first and last letters. Those bastards.

On 2/7/08, I went out on a limb and predicted that Ron Paul would not win the Republican nomination, not least because his record for the biggest one day fundraising push on the internet was marred by the fact that he only he received "Ron Paul dollars."

By May, McCain had clinched the Republican nomination. On 5/2/08, I imagined who might be John McCain's running mate. The 16th most likely candidate on my list was Sarah Palin who is a young woman from Alaska and not a good choice. She would make McCain look old and Alaska is not exactly great preparation for a national campaign.

On 5/26/08, I updated my list of McCain's potential running mates. This time, Palin moved up to 13th most likely: Want to make McCain look like that creepy stalker dude? With her on the ticket, he's one awkward ogle away from going down in flames.

After a hard fought primary season, Barack Obama appeared to be the Democratic nominee. On 6/19/08, I wondered who Obama would pick as his VP. I thought Biden was a bad pick because enjoys making racially offensive statements. And he has a dangerously stupid plan for Iraq that would separate it into three semi-autonomous regions.

By 7/31/08, I was fed up with Obama's message of hope. Whenever I listened to him speak, this weird feeling rushed through my body. It occurred to me that the sentiment I was experiencing is usually called "hope." He gave me a sense of faith in humankind. It's sickening.

Obama apparently had some trouble attracting Jews. On 8/1/08, I asserted that was so because Jews don't like his slogan "Yes We Can." Jews tended to answer back, "But why should we?" And, "Exactly what am I agreeing to do?" And further more, "What can we do? Will there be running involved? Will there be time to stretch before we start running?" Or, "Is the rest of that sentence '... Kill The Jews?' I hope not."

On 8/5/08, I said that McCain likes it short and sweet (so does Cindy! wink wink). Specifically his policies, which he summed up by saying "the surge is working" and "the oil and Middle East crises will be solved through offshore drilling." I used clever analogies to disprove the wisdom of both sentiments.

On 8/23/08, I wrote an open letter to Barack Obama telling him that his pick of Joe Biden for his running mate was stupid. I actually heard Rudy Guiliani making the same points on This Week, which was funny, because some of the criticisms don't work if it's a Republican making them.

On 9/2/08, I talked about Sarah Palin's baby's baby bump.

On 9/5/08, I engaged with the historic nature of this campaign. Did you know that John McCain could have become the 44th ostensibly-straight white Christian man to hold the office of the presidency, especially if you count Grover Cleveland both times.

On 9/13/08, I had a not-so-exclusive interview with Sarah Palin. Do you know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?

I reviewed the VP debate on 10/3/08. That's when I theorized that Sarah Palin was catchphrase -spewing robot, albeit an adorable one.

On 10/11/08, I realized that McCain was actually a secret genius when it came to the issue of the economy.

Did you know that black people can't make up their own minds when it comes to voting? I discussed the subject on 10/19/08.

On 10/20/08, I gave you 7 1/2 reason why your man voted for McCain. #4) You're married to Joe the Plumber.

On 10/28/08, John McCain made his last pitch to the nation. It read in part, "Senator Obama's surrogates have said that my supporters are racist. They've said some pretty nasty things about you and you know, I couldn't agree with them more."

So there it is. A ridiculously long review of a ridiculously long campaign. I trust that you found this review misinformed, offensive, and self-indulgent. But it should hold you over for a few days while I'm out of town. Thank you.