Reasons Why Ron Paul Won't Win

Ron Paul, Republican congressperson from Texas, never had a chance to win the presidential nomination. Here's why:

• His slogan was the "Ron Paul Revolution." America's not so big on Revolutions. It's more of a one-and-done country.
• He's not sure of his own platform. In interviews it seems like he decides on the spot which government agencies to get rid of.
• Though he set the record for biggest one day fundraising on the internet, he only he received "Ron Paul dollars."
• At 6 feet tall, he's too short.
• His fervent supporters are not persuasive. Largely because they're crazy.
• Being the "Republican version of Dennis Kucinich" is never good.
• He was against the war and vastly underestimated the extent to which Republicans love the taste of blood.
• I know more about alleged Dutch murderer Johan Van Der Sloot than I do about Ron Paul thanks to the media.
• When you make Dan Quayle look like a good debater and make Ross Perot look sane, it's not a good thing.
• House Reps generally don't get either nomination.
• Officer R.L. Hancock from Virginia is a douchebag.
• Ron Paul's face looks like my balls.
• He belongs to the most persecuted group on the planet, white Protestant males.