2008 Presidential Debate Update

I missed the first Democratic primary debate. I was able to catch post-debate analysis. Evidently Hillary Clinton looked great in pearls. She also sounded like a man. I understand her hair looked very presidential. Anyway, I did catch some of the Republican debate during the commercials of the NBA playoffs.

I've put the candidates into categories of whether or not they should continue running for president.

Democrats:
Should Keep Running
Barack Obama - He's qualified and charismatic. I like his thoughts on the war. I'd like to hear more.
Hillary Clinton - She's qualified and occasionally wears pearls.
John Edwards - He's also qualified and his wife has cancer.

Let's See How It Goes
Bill Richardson - He's qualified as well. I'd like to know how he's not a fatter, older, Latino-er, and more boring version of Barack Obama.
Chris Dodd - He hasn't fucked up his chances yet.

You're Done
Joe Biden - He's your friendly neighborhood racist. Oh c'mon, he didn't mean it like that!
Dennis Kucinich - He was a poignant anti-war candidate 4 years ago. It's over. Just be happy that you're actually a United States Congressperson, as amazing as that may seem.
Mike Gravel - I've never felt more shame in agreeing with someone. He used to be qualified, like 25 years ago; now, he's just running in order to embarrass his grandchildren.

Republicans:
Got a Good Shot
Rudi Giuliani - He didn't have a good debate, but who cares? He seems to understand that attacking Iran would be an extremely serious, potentially disastrous decision. Don't worry about those Cwazy Cwistian Consweratives and try to win over the rest of the country.
Mitt Romney - He's a more charismatic and likeable version of John Kerry (another flip-flopper from Massachusetts. It's a big thing up there.). But he's Mormon, and Mormons believe that former 49ers quarterback Steve Young is the reincarnation of Jesus. I think.
John McCain - He looks more and more out of touch with each passing day. I just don't want to piss him off, otherwise he might follow me home on his way to the gates of Hell.

Don't Give Up... Yet
Tommy Thompson - I was actually impressed with his thoughtful Iraq plan. He wants the Iraqis to vote on whether or not we should stay. Good idea. He also wants to lynch gay people. Not such a good idea.
Jim Gilmore - A good ole fashion conservative. Until he appears on Dateline trying to get it on with a kid, he should stay in the race.
Ron Paul - He's borderline. He's a fanatical libertarian. But at least he's not Pat Robertson.

Wack Jobs
Mike Huckabee - He almost convinced me that he was a normal person. But I've learned that "culture of life" and being a big "faith" guy are code words for "let's get the Jews and Muslims." Doesn't believe in evolution.
Duncan Hunter - Here are my notes from the debate, "gonna attack Iran. maybe China too? Mexico?"
Tom Tancredo - He hates brown people AND is inarticulate! Doesn't believe in evolution.
Sam Brownback - Who the fuck elected this guy to the senate? I'm never going to Kansas, ever. He scares the shit out of me. There may very well be another Holocaust with this guy in charge. I just hope it's not our turn again. Hey, we just went 60 years ago! Doesn't believe in evolution.